Guinness Recognizes Man With ‘World’s Smallest Penis’

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A Miami man, Mike Carson, has been officially recognized by Guinness World Records for having the smallest penis. According to Carson and his doctors, his fully-functioning penis is only 1/16th of an inch, the smallest for a fully-grown, adult male.

“For a long time, I was very embarrassed by my penis, but now, I pretty much just go with it,” said Carson. “I’m 29 now, and I’ve had girls who have come up to me, after they found out about it, and said they ‘just had to try it out,’ so I can’t even tell you how many women I’ve been with because of it.”

Carson says that he was picked on in high school locker rooms for years, because most of his classmates thought he might actually be a girl.

“For a long time, it got so bad [the teasing] that I thought I might be a girl, too,” said Carson. “The guys would laugh at me, and tell me it looked like I had a big clit, and they are right, it totally does. But it’s okay, because a lot of those guys died since high school. Heroin is a hell of a drug, and I’m climbing the ranks at a Fortune 500 company, so hey, you win some, you lose some right?”

Carson says he takes his record with pride, and has “no desire” to have surgery to enlarge his penis.

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

A Flint resident, Mitchell Royale, 28, has set a new, unsanctioned world record for most time spent awake, at a total of 19 days, 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.

“The record is only unsanctioned because it’s too dangerous for Guinness to keep a record of anymore,” said timekeeper and friend Kenneth Foyer. “Mitchell really went hard on this challenge. He tried once a year ago, but only made it 7 days, not enough for a record.”

The previous record, held by Randy Gardner and set when he was only 17, was just over 11 days. Royale beat that time by over a week.

“He didn’t take any drugs at all, no coffee even, no caffeine. He just sat here binge watching shows on Netflix,” said Foyer. “I can’t believe he went as long as he did. When I was taking my shift sleeping, we had another time keeper, Gail, here with us. She says that Mitchell never even looked tired. He just kept hitting the ‘yes I’m still watching’ option on the remote, and caught up on like 7 different TV series.”

After setting the new record, Mitchell celebrated by instantly dropping dead of heart failure. He would have been 29 in June.

Minecraft World Record Holder Naively Thinks He’ll Have Kids to Brag To One Day

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STUBENVILLE, Kentucky –

Minecraft world record holder Stanley Gordon naively believes he’ll have children one day to brag to about his conquest of the virtual universe. The 20-year-old, who says he spends his nights playing the popular game and his days sleeping and masturbating in his basement room, dreams of the family he’ll clearly never have.

“I’m gonna marry someone who loves the gaming world as much as I do,” he gloats, almost endearing in his belief that he’ll have a choice in any woman who hasn’t immediately rejected him. “We’re not gonna be a conventional family, where the parents are boring and always telling the kids what to do. Our parenting will be based on a shared love of fantasy and fun.”

In his deluded mind, Gordon has decided to have only two children because, “it gets lonely if there’s only one, and when there’s three one can get left out.” The wife and two children he’ll never have are going to live in the mansion he’ll design when his Minecraft blog eventually makes it big.

His best friend, known as fartdick69, encourages the Gordon’s sad belief that he’ll find love by suggesting that his own imaginary family will join him for barbecues, where all their mythological family members will enjoy Minecraft together. This, of course, once they live in the same city as each other and have met in person.

“Stan’s a good dude,” wrote fartdick69 from his own basement room. “I can’t wait to finally meet the man who conquered the Minecraft universe. He must be the coolest guy in the world. His future wife will be the luckiest girl around. And maybe she has a friend she’ll introduce me to.”