Guinness Recognizes Man With ‘World’s Smallest Penis’

MIAMI, Florida –

A Miami man, Mike Carson, has been officially recognized by Guinness World Records for having the smallest penis. According to Carson and his doctors, his fully-functioning penis is only 1/16th of an inch, the smallest for a fully-grown, adult male.

“For a long time, I was very embarrassed by my penis, but now, I pretty much just go with it,” said Carson. “I’m 29 now, and I’ve had girls who have come up to me, after they found out about it, and said they ‘just had to try it out,’ so I can’t even tell you how many women I’ve been with because of it.”

Carson says that he was picked on in high school locker rooms for years, because most of his classmates thought he might actually be a girl.

“For a long time, it got so bad [the teasing] that I thought I might be a girl, too,” said Carson. “The guys would laugh at me, and tell me it looked like I had a big clit, and they are right, it totally does. But it’s okay, because a lot of those guys died since high school. Heroin is a hell of a drug, and I’m climbing the ranks at a Fortune 500 company, so hey, you win some, you lose some right?”

Carson says he takes his record with pride, and has “no desire” to have surgery to enlarge his penis.

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”