Man Dressed as Clown Arrested After He Was Found Eating a Live Cat

Posted on September 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GREENSBURG, Iowa –

At around 2:30 a.m. on September 30th, Greensburg police received a phone call from a worried resident saying that she heard very concerning sounds coming from an alleyway near her house.

Officers who arrived on the scene say they found a twenty-something male dressed as a clown, eating a live cat whose legs were zip-tied together. The cat was still crying for help as the individual was seemingly eating around the vital spots, prolonging it’s death.

“When the individual noticed us approaching, he started petting the cat and said ‘curiosity killed the cat, I wanted to see if it tasted like Chinese food,'” said Officer Mark Hanlan, who was first on the scene. “He was non resistant during arrest, however he did not have identification, and when asked his name he only replied ‘Furball The Clown.'”

In the holding cell, police say the clown kept calling to a female officer, saying “here, kitty kitty,” and was trying bite the cell bars. He was transferred to a high security prison while awaiting trial, which is disturbingly scheduled for October 31st – Halloween day. Police were unable to determine the clown’s true identity.

Purina To Release Dog Food Made With Cat Meat

Posted on March 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

Purina Brand Dog Food has announced today that they plan on releasing a new line of wet dog food that will be predominantly made of cat meats. The company, one of the largest pet food companies in the world, said that the new line is “exactly what dogs want.”

“It’s no secret that dogs and cats are natural enemies, and dogs love the taste of kitty flesh,” said Purina spokesman Ryan Shepherd. “We have made a deal with the FDA to allow the importation of cats from around the world. The animals will be euthanized safely and will be made sure to be free of diseases. Dogs will love this new product.”

According to Shepherd, the new Purina line of dog chow will be called Kitty Bits, and will also feature other mixed in meats, such as tuna and beef.

Woman Pushes Wife Down Stairs, Blames It On Cat; Later Arrested For Strangling Cat To Death

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

House Cat Wanted By Police After Robbing Massachusetts Liquor Store

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LYNN, Massachusetts –

A white and black house cat and his owners are wanted in connection with a robbery of Loomos Bros. Liquor on Boston Street in Lynn. The cat was strapped with what appeared to be explosives, a GoPro camera, and a fanny pack.

The cat was also equipped with a microphone. “The cat wandered in, and at first I thought it was cute,” said store owner Joe Lewis. ” Then I heard a voice saying the pussy was armed, and to put the money from the register in the fanny pack.”

In the 911 recording, the operator at first informs the owner of the penalties for abusing 911, but reluctantly dispatches police. Investigators say the owner’s story has been backed up by store surveillance videos.

Edward Rogers, lead investigator, says, “We expect the perpetrators are local. Someone had to know someone was training a cat in this neighborhood, and there will be a leak. I have no doubts.”

Police say the cat is a black and white tabby, with spots on his back. He was last seen wearing a green fanny pack. People in the area of Boston Street who have seen the cat are encouraged to contact police.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

Internet Sensation ‘Grumpy Cat’ Dies After Losing Bout With Feline Depression

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tardar Sauce, best known as the internet’s “Grumpy Cat,” has reportedly died after committing cat suicide, say sources from within the cat’s entourage. Tardar, the most loved pessimist in the world, had suffered from a severe case of cat depression, and could reportedly no longer handle the pressures of being a meme.

“I am very sad to announce that Tardar Sauce, better known as Grumpy Cat, has died after purposely inhaling and overdosing on an extremely large amount of catnip,” said the cat’s manager, Joey Jones. “There was no note left, because like all cats, Grumpy had no opposable thumbs, but we know she was depressed, and often meowed about taking her own life. It’s sad, as she was so young. I only wish we had gotten her the help she needed.”

“Tardar was a joy to look at, as her face had that great look for anyone who wanted to use a picture of it to make a meme about their crappy day,” said Grumpy Cat superfan Joanne Joyce. “I have Grumpy stuffies, pictures, toys, t-shirts…all sorts of things. It’s sad that she’s gone, but she’s in cat hell now, where all cats go when they die. She’s probably complaining about something as we speak, and that’s beautiful.”

Tardar Sauce rose to popularity after a picture posted of her online went viral, people dubbing her “Grumpy Cat” due to her face, which appeared to be in a perpetual frown due to a case of dwarfism. She would have turned 4 this coming April.

Ebola Virus Making U.S. Resurgence As Virus Spreads Through Tainted Cat Feces

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

The U.S. may be finding itself back in the face of a massive Ebola pandemic. The dreaded disease has found another way into your home, putting cat owners and their families at the most risk.

Makers of bottom shelf cat food, like Special Cat and Furry Friend brands, have long been using the remains of sick Africans to add crude protein and filler to their cat food. While their representatives insist they use the highest quality, disease free remains, at least one person in the U.S. has already been affected from coming into contact with their household cat’s poop.

Jim Reynolds, 29, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is the first confirmed case of cat-contracted Ebola in the United States. “I always bought cheap canned cat food for my cats. Not because I don’t love them, but I figured it didn’t matter. They eat their own shit sometimes, so I figured a can of cat food is a can of cat food. Never thought I’d end up in quarantine. Not even a good TV to watch the game on in here. This sucks a fat one.”

Jim’s neighbor, Jenny Newport, says the increasing fear of cats has caused much tension in her neighborhood. “We’ve got a neighborhood watch for cats now. Everyone’s afraid of cats crapping in their back yards. Personally I like that our town was rat and rodent free from all the feral cats, but for now keep your cats well fed on a high-end food diet, and keep their shit-asses inside for God’s sake! I’m not catching Ebola cause you’re to cheap to spring an extra damn dollar for Friskees.”

Wal-Mart has already begun pulling Special Cat brands, as well as several other ‘dollar brand’ cat foods from their shelves, and millions more cans are expected to be recalled nationwide.

Pregnant women and children are urged to stay away from cat litter and sandboxes, due to an increased risk of exposure to the virus. Cat owners should buy dry food for their cats, and take special precautions when changing litter boxes or handing feces from cats who ate any cheap cat food in the last thirty days.

Man Uses Crowd Funding Website To Get ‘Ransom’ For Cat

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An unknown man has created a Kickstarter page where he claims he is holding a stray cat for ransom. The anonymous page went up to the Kickstarter website, which has its offices in Brooklyn, New York, on Thursday morning, with the goal of “I Won’t Kill This F—— Cat.”

The Kickstarter page features a man, his face blurred out, holding a gun to the head of a cat. The anonymous man has posted that if he doesn’t hit his goal of $60,000, then he is going to shoot the cat in the face and post a video of it online.

“There are no perks with this Kickstarter,” the page says. “You send me money. I don’t care if it’s a dollar or a thousand dollars. You’ll all get the same perk – and that perk is saving the life of this cat. If I don’t hit my goal, then I’m going to shoot this cat, film it, and post it online. Then everyone who saw this post, or heard about it, and didn’t donate any money, can know they had a hand it murdering an animal.”

According to Kickstarter, they are keeping the page up while they work with members of the FBI to track down the individual who posted the page. At this time, they are not sure if the page is a legitimate threat towards the animal, or if it is someone trying to capitalize on the fact that no one wants to see an innocent animal harmed, and may be willing to fork over their own money to make sure it doesn’t happen.

“It’s entirely possible it’s all a joke, and he’d never hurt the animal. He may just want to score easy money,” says Aaron Silver, lead investigator for the FBI’s Animal Crimes and Abuse unit. “At this time, though, we are treating it as if he is being serious, and working hard to track down the poster.”

Representatives for Kickstarter could not be reached for comment, but a person at their offices ask that all inquiries about the anonymous account or the page itself be directed to the FBI as they investigate.

“Kickstarter has been used for some good things,” said Silver. “We’ve seen great technology and even great movies get made with crowd funding. Granted, we’ve also seen a man collect almost $50,000 to make potato salad, but in the end this sort of ‘come-together-with money’ attitude can be great. Unfortunately, it can also be used by sickos who are preying on the internet population, hoping for an easy payday, notoriety, or both.”

At the time of this writing, the Kickstarter page had only managed to earn $27.