Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

Posted on April 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

Death Row Inmate Requests Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl For Last Meal

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PUTNAM, Florida –

The Florida Department of Corrections offers death row inmates the option of requesting a final meal on the day of the scheduled execution. Guidelines specify that food items must be purchased locally, and the cost cannot exceed $40.

Del Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, asked prison officials for something they had never seen before. He wrote down “Unlimited Pasta Bowl” as his last meal, the first request of its kind. “I love me some Olive Garden,” Berkley said. The meal only costs $29.99 at the local restaurant.

“I wasn’t sure it was something we could accommodate,” said Prison Warden Raymond Jeffries. “If the meal was never-ending, then we would never be able to do the actual killing of the inmate. It was an odd request, but we are required by law to fulfill it.”

Manager of the local Olive Garden, Ken Fisher, says that he welcomes Berkley to enjoy their never-ending pasta dish, and says that they are “overjoyed” that he has chosen their restaurant as their last meal.

The last meal’s monetary cap mentions nothing about off-site meals. “That’s something we should have thought about, looking back on it,” said Warden Jeffries. “Then of course, there’s the issue of finding people willing to eat their meal next to a convicted criminal, and the fact that we’d have to do a headcount once an hour. We’ll figure it out.”

The request was submitted to Florida Governor Rick Scott, who convened a special meeting with officials from the Florida Department of Corrections, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and family members of Berkley’s victim -convenience store owner Martin Fales – killed during the 2008 robbery.

It is precisely because of this reason that many correctional institutions have done away with the last meal request for death row prison inmates.

Death Row Inmate Allowed To Choose Method Of Execution Picks ‘Old Age’

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHMOND, Virginia –

A Virginia man, Charles Demar, on death row since 2001 for the murder of his wife and two sons, was recently allowed the option of choosing his method of execution by the state supreme court. A statement, released by Demar’s lawyer, says that he has chosen the option to die of ‘old age.’

“Mr. Demar, when given the opportunity to choose the manner in which he would be executed, chose to die by ‘old age,'” said Demar’s attorney, Richard Cheatum. “The state, forced to accept this request, have no choice legally but to let my client go free, so that he may die at the same natural rate as any other person.”

The laws in Virginia appear to be written in such a manner that a request of this nature is perfectly acceptable, with one supreme court judge quoted as saying that he “couldn’t believe” that no one had ever thought to choose that option previously.

“It would be one thing if we were just going to keep him in prison, maybe move him from death row and place him in general population, but with the way our laws are currently written, this particular inmate was able to find a loophole in the system that would grant him the ability to be executed by ‘old age,’ with that time being lived outside of the prison,” said Judge George Morris. “It’s safe to assume that we will be keeping a close eye on Mr. Demar as his time in prison comes to an end and he is allowed to merge back into society.”

“This is an amazing feat that we’ve been able to accomplish, and I am very proud of the work that we have put in to ensure that my client is afforded his ‘perfect ending,'” said Cheatum.

“Fuck yeah, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here,” said Demar. “I have some scores to settle with the sonsabitchin’ jury that put me in here in the first place.”

Demar is set to be released May 1st.

Death Row Inmate Who Escaped From Prison In 1947 Found, Executed

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN, Texas –

Greg Ferguson was 26 when he was sentenced to death for the murder of his brother and sister-in-law, and was sent to a federal correctional facility just outside of Harlan, Texas. That was in 1946. In 1947, Ferguson successfully escaped from prison, and had been on the run ever since.

Last month, authorities in Dallas arrested Ferguson, who is now 95-years-old, as he sat drinking coffee in a small diner. The waitress serving him said that he had been coming into the diner every morning for as long as she could remember.

“I can’t believe that nice old man was an escaped convict!” said Marissa Fuller, 28. “I’ve been waitressing here since high school, and Mr. Ferguson was always so nice. He always left a good tip, and he always took his coffee with cream and sugar. Why, every killer I’ve ever met only drank their coffee black. Just goes to show you, I guess.”

Police say that they had received an anonymous tip that Ferguson may still be residing in Texas, and that he had been seen in Dallas.

“As it goes, Mr. Ferguson went with us very peacefully, and didn’t try and run,” said Police chief Mark Hamlin. “Of course, it would be hard for him to have run anyway, as he was barely able to stand on his old legs.”

Hamlin says that Ferguson was returned to a cell at the same correctional facility in which he was originally sent, and was executed a week later.

“We don’t screw around in Texas when it comes to killing people,” said Hamlin. “We missed out on our chance to fry this ol’ boy for the last damn near 70 years. As soon as we could, we put him down.”

Ferguson leaves behind a wife of 45 years, 3 sons, and 11 grandchildren – none of whom say they were aware that he was a violent killer.

Death Row Inmate Survives Execution; Released From Prison

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DICKSON, Tennessee –

A Tennessee death row inmate has been released from prison today after two attempts to execute him have failed. Peter Farmington was convicted of 3 counts of murder in the first degree when he pled guilty to murdering his wife and their two young children in March of 2006.

The prison warden, Joseph Goldsmith, called Farmington’s survival “a divine intervention.”

“We have two methods of execution in the state of Tennessee.” said Goldsmith. “It is has always been our tradition to let the inmate choose how they want to go. Mr. Farmington is the first person to try their hand at both options. We are taking it as a sign from God that this man is just not meant to die.”

Farmington had his first execution scheduled in late 2013 via lethal injection. At that time, his body did not react to the sodium thiopental, which is the first in a series of three drugs given to someone being executed. Sodium thiopental is designed to render a person unconscious before they inject bromide, which causes paralysis, and finally potassium chloride, which induces cardiac arrest.

Dr. Robert Liston was the medical examiner on staff for the state prison during Farmington’s first execution.

“I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a medical doctor.” Said Liston. “Sodium thiopental is not something someone can generally be ‘immune’ to, but Farmington’s body did not react. The drug should have hit him within 30 seconds. We waited over ten minutes, then dosed him again. Nothing.”

Doctors and prison staff had no choice but to postpone the execution, and the governor granted temporary reprieve for Farmington, giving him another six months on death row, while he awaited his second execution date.

Last week, the prison again tried to execute Farmington, this time via electric chair.

“Farmington chose to not go through lethal injection a second time, and opted for electrocution.” Said Goldsmith. “We hadn’t fired up ol’ sparky since 2007, but it was his choice and we honored it.”

Prison officials were stunned when, for a second time, Farmington was spared death, this time when the electric chair failed to operate.

“We threw those switches, and on the third flip, you’re supposed to see sparks fly, but we saw nothing.” Said Goldsmith. “We got Farmington out of the chair, hooked everything back up, fired it up, and it worked like a charm. We didn’t even try putting him back in again.”

Per federal law, Farmington was immediately released from prison, as any inmate who survives his execution twice is automatically allowed a full pardon.

“We wish Farmington all the best in his new life outside prison walls.” Said Governor Bill Haslam as he signed Farmington’s release forms. “This man may be a bloodthirsty, violent individual, but some higher power has given him a second chance at life. We certainly hope he uses it for something better this time around.”

Attorneys for Farmington could not be reached for comment.

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Texas Judge Sentences Man To Death For Marijuana Possession

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

An Austin Superior Court judge sentenced 34 year old Joseph Goldsmith to death row yesterday, after Goldsmith was picked up on his third offense for marijuana possession.

Judge Martin Churchill said during the trial that he had “already seen [Goldsmith] twice” and that “the third time was the charm.”

“If a man cannot get his act together, and he is arrested multiple times for the same crime, then I have no choice but to hand out the swiftest and harshest punishment I can.” Said Churchill. “In this case, the public needs to know how the state of Texas deals with repeat offenders, especially when they are drug-related crimes.”

Goldsmith, who has no other arrests on his report other than the previous two convictions for misdemeanor marijuana possession, was visibly upset when the verdict was read.

“I cannot believe it. This is like a nightmare.” Said Goldsmith, in tears after the hearing. “It was just a couple of joints. This isn’t right.”

Goldsmith was arrested this third and final time with around a gram of marijuana in his possession. In several states throughout the U.S., this amount would get him a small fine. In others, he would be let off with a warning. The state of Texas has the toughest laws on marijuana possession in the country.

“We will definitely be appealing the court’s decision.” Said Matthew Klein, Goldsmith’s attorney. “A sentence of death does not fit this crime. There is no way that we are going to let this stand.”

Goldsmith was sent to the Texas State Correctional Facility in Austin after the trial. Per his conviction, he will be required to remain on death row until an appeal can overturn the judge’s decision.