Billionaire’s Yacht Destroys Coral Reef; Claims It’s ‘No Big Deal’

Ad

yacht

CAYMAN ISLANDS –

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen’s yacht is allegedly responsible for the destruction of 14,000 square feet of protected coral reef. After beating a battle with cancer in the 1980’s, Allen started living large, buying extremely high-priced toys, beautiful women, and excessively big boats. The 300-foot luxury yacht, the Tatoosh, dragged its anchor through the delicate reef, obliterating the delicate habitat.

Allen was not on board at the time, and responded that if he is responsible he can afford to make amends. “This is no big deal. What’s a few billion dollars to me?” He says he also plans to sell the boat for charity, which includes features such as a gym, cinema, swimming pool, and two helipads.

The Cayman Islands’ Department of Environment could not be reached for comment, but coral reef activists say the damage done to the reef is immeasurable. The damaged reef also destroyed two popular scuba diving locations, which means a long-term loss in tourist revenue. Under Cayman law, any vehicle that damages the reefs will be fined.

Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

weed

BOULDER, Colorado – 

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

tampon

IRVING, Texas – 

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark.  “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees.  Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code.  When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon.  Spit-spot!  It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*).  An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval.  It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval.  “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it!  It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting.  I like having my own code number – it’s neat.  It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#).  Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated.  When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security?  Can my tampon be hacked?  Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall.  No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain?  Is there a risk of an electrical shock?  Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm.  You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval.  “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped.  Today, we’re much more open between the legs.  Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning!  There’s nowhere to go but up!”

Meet Microsoft’s New Browser, ‘Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer’

Meet Microsoft's New Browser, 'Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer'

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

The whole world – even Microsoft – came to realize that Internet Explorer was a useless old relic, burying it alongside its old cousin, Netscape. With this, however, they sought to create a new browser that would capture the hearts and fingertips of internet users everywhere. Meet the newest contender from the oldest name in the arena: DeNIE, or “Definitely Not Internet Explorer.”

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella spoke briefly about its improvements over its notorious predecessor:

“Basically, there are a few cool new gadgets which could have been just added in to Internet Explorer in an update, but the real change is the name. DeNIE is a new brand that people can explore with fresh eyes, whereas Internet Explorer was something that most people immediately steered away from.”

Microsoft’s analysts conducted extensive research on the existing browser giants to determine what made them popular in the first place. The result was simple: they weren’t Internet Explorer.

We had the pleasure of test-driving their new software during an interview; when it was mentioned that it felt and even looked exactly like the old browser, Nadella agreed.

“Again, as long as we deny that it is Internet Explorer, people will use it. To be honest it’s the same exact browser, just rebranded – same security issues, slowness, and clinginess to legacy features.”

DeNIE is planned to release with Windows 10, which the company is considering renaming to “Not Made by Microsoft” to pull in users from the ever growing Apple and Android fan crowd who once again, according to Microsoft’s researchers, only made the switch because of the name.

Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

MEDINA, Washington – Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

In a bizarre kidnapping incident, billionaire co-founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, paid a reported $12 Million ransom for the safe return of his beloved pet, a 45-year-old Australian Lungfish named Buster. The suspect, who warned Gates not to contact police after stealthily kidnapping the fish, remains at large.

After the fish was safely returned to his Medina, Washington residence, it was then that Gates contacted police. According to Medina Police Department spokesperson Lester McShay, Gates did not contact police during the incident out of fear that the suspect would go through with his threat to kill Buster.

“Mr. Gates made an emotional judgement call in not contacting police out of fear of retaliation, and decided that the twelve-million dollars meant nothing compared to the life of Buster, a fish he has owned since he was a young boy,” McShay said in an early morning press briefing. “It remains unclear whether or not the assailant acted alone, or with a team of bandits.”

Gates has stepped up security at his Medina estate by hiring off-duty police officers, as advised by Medina Police chief Leonardo Roscorelli, a close friend of his.

McShay stated that Gates never actually saw the suspect on his property, and surveillance cameras captured images of a man wearing a blackout suit, in which the entire body, including face and eyes, are covered.

“It is like something out of a movie, this guy really knew what he was doing. What we have not figured out is how he knew about the loving relationship between Buster and Bill Gates. This may have been an inside job, committed by someone he has befriended,” McShay explained. “Surveillance cameras located outside Mr. Gates’ residence only showed the man running away while carrying a large plastic container of the Rubbermaid brand. No getaway vehicle was spotted on any of the video surveillance, unfortunately.”

Buster is said to be healthy and in good spirits following the traumatic incident.

 

Microsoft Founder Bill Gates ‘Comes Out’ As Homosexual

SILICON VALLEY, California – Microsoft Founder Bill Gates 'Comes Out' As Homosexual

At the end of October, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in an interview that he was homosexual, and that he felt that being gay was the ‘greatest gift God had given [him.]’ The acknowledgment made Cook the first CEO of a Fortune 500 company to ever ‘come out’ publicly as homosexual. Not to be outdone by Apple, Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates announced today that he, too, was gay.

“Yes, I’ve been married for many years, and I’ve got a great, loving family,” said Gates. “But in reality, I’m gay. I’m actually extra, super gay. I’m at least twice as gay as Tim, and God gave me this gift first, I just didn’t want to brag about it. Yup – gay gay gay.”

The announcement came as no shock to Gates’ family, who said that over the years he had always been driven to be better than his competitors, no matter what the topic at hand.

“Bill has always wanted to be the best. If he couldn’t be the best, he borrowed from the best, bought out the best, or just stole from the best – and then improved on it,” said wife Melinda Gates. “I think that’s what he’s doing here, with this whole ‘coming out’ thing, and announcing his ‘extra gayness.’ Tim [Cook] is a friend and a colleague in the industry, but Bill can’t let anyone beat him at anything, no matter what. I support him, regardless.”

“Right now, I’m actually discussing options for changing the name of the XBox systems to something else, because ‘box’ is slang for women’s genitalia, and I’m just so gay that I don’t even want to think about that,” said Gates. “Personally, I’m leaning towards calling it the XBoner, but we might just call the console ‘GayPenisGayGayGay.’ I think it will work either way. Marketing and development are working on going over the changes as we speak. Gay!”

Reportedly, Gates is spending several million dollars to have his mansion painted in hues of pink and purple, as well as installing Greek marble statues of naked men throughout the grounds, just to prove how much ‘more homosexual’ he is than Cook.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.