Philanthropist Offers ‘Apple Picking’ To Local School Kids; Puts Macbooks In Trees

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A wealthy philanthropist has opened up his apple farm to a group of local school children, but there is a twist to this day of apple picking – Bangor businessman Joe Goldsmith has had over 2,000 Apple Macbook Pro computers put into the trees around his property, letting the children ‘pick’ as many as they would like.

“I like to give back to the community once in a while,” said Goldsmith, who in past years has donated more than $2 million dollars to local schools, churches, and charities. “This year, I wanted it to be something fun. Cost me about $4 million or so to do this, but shit, kids need computers, and so I put some in the Apple trees. Made me laugh, and pretty much everything I do in life is to amuse myself, really.”

Goldsmith says that along with each computer, the children are certainly allowed to fill up as many bags of actual, edible apples as they would like.

“Oh, yeah, they can eat those, whatever,” said Goldsmith. “I think they’re too busy trying to grab as many computers as they can, though.”

Goldsmith reportedly made his money over a very long career of drug dealing, money laundering, and prostitution, before turning to real estate – a fact that seems to not bother any of the parents who brought their children “Apple picking.”

“Oh, I don’t care where the money came from, all I care about is getting a free computer or two,” said father Marc Jones, whose son, Kenny, had already picked 9 computers from the trees. “This is the most fun Kenny has had in ages. I’m hoping he gets at least another 4 or 5 computers down – we can sell them and make a killing!”

Meet Microsoft’s New Browser, ‘Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer’

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Justin Birch

SILICON VALLEY, California –

The whole world – even Microsoft – came to realize that Internet Explorer was a useless old relic, burying it alongside its old cousin, Netscape. With this, however, they sought to create a new browser that would capture the hearts and fingertips of internet users everywhere. Meet the newest contender from the oldest name in the arena: DeNIE, or “Definitely Not Internet Explorer.”

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella spoke briefly about its improvements over its notorious predecessor:

“Basically, there are a few cool new gadgets which could have been just added in to Internet Explorer in an update, but the real change is the name. DeNIE is a new brand that people can explore with fresh eyes, whereas Internet Explorer was something that most people immediately steered away from.”

Microsoft’s analysts conducted extensive research on the existing browser giants to determine what made them popular in the first place. The result was simple: they weren’t Internet Explorer.

We had the pleasure of test-driving their new software during an interview; when it was mentioned that it felt and even looked exactly like the old browser, Nadella agreed.

“Again, as long as we deny that it is Internet Explorer, people will use it. To be honest it’s the same exact browser, just rebranded – same security issues, slowness, and clinginess to legacy features.”

DeNIE is planned to release with Windows 10, which the company is considering renaming to “Not Made by Microsoft” to pull in users from the ever growing Apple and Android fan crowd who once again, according to Microsoft’s researchers, only made the switch because of the name.

Man Commits Suicide After Losing Wi-Fi Connection For 25 Minutes

Posted on March 7, 2015 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

A Laredo family is in mourning today after a young man took his life late Friday evening. Tom Brink, 24, hung himself from the rafters of his home, leaving behind a note for his loved ones detailing his spiral into depression.

“I can’t believe this I spend so much money on my internet and it goes down all the time. I can’t take it anymore, it has been about 25 minutes now, and still no connection. I lived a great life, but I don’t want to live in a world were I can’t come home and watch my favorite TV shows on Netflix, or check my Facebook feed and just unwind a bit. I just got to the end of Breaking Bad and my connection kicked off right during the cliffhanger. I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.”

Brink’s mother Mary remembers Tom as an easy going person who never let drama get into his life. She told us that she was completely blind-sided by his death and would never expect her son to do such a thing because he had a lot of things going his way.

“He just got a new job, and he was going to be making over 6-figures,” said Mary. “He had the whole world at his fingertips. His girlfriend was beautiful and smart, he had a new puppy named Gremlin, and he even was looking into buying a home. I cannot believe that he’s gone. The internet is a foul, evil place, but not having it is even worse.”

Mary Bring is urging parents to make sure their children are raised with strong Wi-Fi connections, and to make sure that their kids know that there are more options in life than just watching videos on the internet, such as TV on DVD or even old VHS tapes.

Representatives for Brink’s internet service say that there was no issue with the service on their end, and Brink more than likely would have been able to reset his connection by unplugging his router, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in.