Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

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IRVING, Texas – 

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark.  “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees.  Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code.  When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon.  Spit-spot!  It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*).  An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval.  It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

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“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval.  “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it!  It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting.  I like having my own code number – it’s neat.  It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#).  Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated.  When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security?  Can my tampon be hacked?  Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall.  No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain?  Is there a risk of an electrical shock?  Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm.  You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval.  “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped.  Today, we’re much more open between the legs.  Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning!  There’s nowhere to go but up!”

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