New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

Ad

implant

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

tampon

IRVING, Texas – 

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark.  “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees.  Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code.  When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon.  Spit-spot!  It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*).  An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval.  It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval.  “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it!  It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting.  I like having my own code number – it’s neat.  It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#).  Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated.  When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security?  Can my tampon be hacked?  Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall.  No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain?  Is there a risk of an electrical shock?  Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm.  You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval.  “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped.  Today, we’re much more open between the legs.  Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning!  There’s nowhere to go but up!”

Former Child Star Amanda Bynes Rushed To Hospital With Migraines – What Doctors Discover Is Unbelievable!

THOUSAND OAKS, California – Former Child Star Amanda Bynes Rushed To Hospital With Migraines - What Doctors Discover Is Unbelievable!

Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes was rushed to the Los Robles Regional Medical Center after complaining of severe migraines to her roommate and live-in boyfriend. Both stated that they had not seen her take any medications or drugs before the headaches began, but began acting in a ‘crazy, erratic’ manner.

“She was saying crazy, insane things,” said Bynes’ roommate, who wished to remain anonymous. “It was just like she was acting back in October, when she went off on Twitter talking about her dad sexually abusing her, and how her parents put a chip in her head to control her and make her say and do crazy things. Except this time, the behavior also came with these extreme headaches. We’re all so scared for her.”

Upon her assessment with hospital staff, doctors found that Bynes’ would try desperately to rip open the skin on her head, digging her nails into her scalp. When doctors were able to perform a CAT scan, they were shocked to discover a small, plastic, MicroSD card inserted into her scalp.

Bynes’ family released a statement following Amanda’s admittance to the hospital:

Amanda, our sweet daughter, is finally getting the help she needs. We as a family would only like our privacy in this sensitive time. We also would like to abolish any rumors, as we do not condone abusing or putting microchips in your children. Thank you.

After the families press release, Mary Boherh, a case manager for state of California’s Department of Health and Human Services was called by the hospital. She has stated that there was, indeed, a microchip found implanted inside Bynes’ head, and that it has since been removed. Ali Belair, a doctor at the facility where Bynes’ is being treated, said that Amanda is ‘doing extremely well,’ and she is expected to be released to an outpatient program within the next few weeks where she can continue being cared for and observed.

Police investigators are looking into the allegations that Bynes’ parents may have had her under a form of mind-control by implanting the chip inside her head.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.