LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –
Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”
“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”
Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.
“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”
MIAMI, Florida –
A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.
“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”
The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.
“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”
According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.
“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”
HOUSTON, Texas –
Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body.
”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”
“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life; you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”
”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”