Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

kroger

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

 

Woman Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars – You’ll Never Guess How

CINCO RANCH, Texas – Coupon Queen Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars - You'll Never Guess How

For years, retail stores have used coupons as a mostly successful means of attracting customers to their stores. Usually, additional purchases will offset any possible loss, and it works out for the best. This was simply not the case, however, for the Kroger stores that were recently shopped by Madeline Huffman, an extreme couponer from Cinco Ranch, Texas. Jack Destin, Kroger’s Regional Manager, estimates that Ms. Huffman has cost the store upwards of a half million dollars in the past year.

“Coupons are designed to lose money. That’s just how they work,” said Destin in a phone interview. “Normally the cost is offset. People come in, buy things using coupons, but they buy lots of other things, too, and no customer walks out actually costing us money. But Ms. Huffman is different. She was finding every coupon she could get her hands on, doubling them up, bringing in price matches, getting the maximum allotment of every item that she could. She was using the coupons in a way that allowed her to buy from our stores for less than our cost for those items. She then created a resale market both locally, and on the internet. She found a loophole in the system, and she used it to strangle our profits. People like her are a bane on the free market. Needless to say, we will drastically changing our coupon policy here at Kroger. And you all have Ms. Huffman to blame.”

Madeline Huffman isn’t concerned. “Kroger is just one fish in the pond. He didn’t have to be so rude though,” She said in response to Mr. Destin’s comments. “You see, I don’t feel bad at all. These big chains put these deals out there thinking that society is too fast paced or too stupid for someone to take advantage. This time they got burned. But it was them that started the fire. Kroger actually threatened a lawsuit against me. I laughed and told them to go ahead, so I could take some more of their money. You can’t stick your dinghy in a light socket and sue the electric company when you get electrocuted.” She chuckled. “Sounds like they won’t be putting it in the light socket anymore.”

Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name ‘Michael,’ The Reason Why Will Shock You

ATLANTA, Georgia – Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name 'Michael,' The Reason Why Will Shock You

Coca-Cola spokesperson Gabriella Sanchez announced in an impromptu press conference this morning that the iconic cola company is urgently recalling all twenty-ounce size bottles of the drink with the name ‘Michael’ on them due to “compromising of ingredients”. She went on to say that several customers had returned their drinks to stores and/or called the Coca-Cola customer service hotline after noticing their personalized bottles, with the name ‘Michael’ on them, had an odd taste.

“Several calls began to come in on Friday afternoon with customers complaining that their bottles of cola had an odd taste, all of which were part of our ‘Share a Coke With…’ campaign, and had the name Michael on them.” Sanchez announced to the unassuming press. “Naturally, we immediately launched an investigation on the issue and after thorough lab testing we discovered that the ingredients of a particular series of batches were compromised. Our investigation and research found a disgruntled employee, who is not being named due to criminal investigation,  had been adding literal top soil – dirt – into her batches. If consumed, these bottles of cola are not necessarily considered dangerous so there is not cause for panic, but of course we do not want our very loyal and longtime Coke lovers ingesting this foul-tasting soda.”

Sources close to the situation, which requested to remain anonymous, leaked the story to a reporter about the case as early as Sunday morning, saying that a female employee, who was claiming sexual harassment by her supervisor, who just happened to be named ‘Michael,’ had ‘spiked large batches of the drink with top soil she had been bringing to work,’ via her purse.  She did so after discovering that all batches she was put in charge of would be added to two-million 20-ounce bottles which would be labeled “Share a Coke with…Michael.”

Coca-Cola said that the unidentified employee had filed harassment documentation against the supervisor, whose name is also being withheld due to the ongoing criminal investigation, and told co-workers that her complaint had been ignored. Another Coca-Cola employee, also female, stated anonymously that the women in the Atlanta, Georgia bottling plant ‘are treated like objects on a regular basis.’

“The young woman who had contaminated the drinks, in my opinion, deserves to be fired and face criminal charges, even though she was wrongfully driven to commit the act,” said the employee. “The people, the customers, do not deserve to drink dirt, that was absurd. That being said, we should be thankful it wasn’t something more dangerous she put into the bottles.”

“We encourage all who have the ‘Michael’ bottles to call our customer service hotline immediately. Do not throw the bottles away, you will be asked for the bar code number, your name, address, the store where you purchased the items, and we’ll also ask that you mail us back, at your cost, the remaining soda in the bottle. We will be refunding your purchase price via gift certificate, which can be redeemed anywhere Coca-Cola is sold, as long as that store does not also sell Pepsi. We apologize to all who have been affected by this inconvenience, and we want the world to know that this matter has been fully resolved. Increased security measures are already in place that will prevent any possibility of future attempts of corrupt, bitchy employee tampering.”

Sanchez added, “To those who have already drank the bottles of soda but didn’t notice there was dirt in it, do not worry. It is no worse than breathing dust on a hot, dry, American summer day while drinking a cold, crisp, refreshing Coca-Cola.”

 

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.