Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

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Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

 

Woman Arrested After Shoplifting Turkey From Grocery Store By Hiding It In Her Vagina

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An Atlanta women was arrested after allegedly shoplifting a turkey from a Kroger grocery store by hiding the bird inside of her vagina.

Police were called by the store manager to the location on Delaware Ave. Thursday evening after security cameras caught the woman taking a full-sized frozen turkey from the refrigerator section, lifting her skirt, and attempting to insert the Butterball “Plump & Juicy” turkey product inside herself.

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“It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “This woman must have had balls of steel to try and pull this off. Well, actually, in retrospect, I suppose she must not have had any balls at all, otherwise she’d have had nowhere to put it.”

The woman, Shaniqua Rogers of 345 Elm Plaza, was arrested and taken into police custody. She is being charged with theft and public display of indecency. She is scheduled for arraignment on November 1st. According to police, Rogers claimed she was trying to get an “early jump” on Thanksgiving turkeys.

‘Turkey Drought’ Expected To Cause Prices To Skyrocket This Thanksgiving

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 'Turkey Drought' Expected To Cause Prices To Skyrocket This Thanksgiving

An official statement has been released this morning by the Department of Agriculture, confirming that the United States is in the midst of what could only be called a ‘turkey drought.’

According to the spokesperson, the United States receives the majority of its turkeys manufactured for consumption from various states throughout the Midwest. The spokesperson confirmed that turkeys have been dying by the thousands over the last 4 months from a virus that only affects land birds, and has been appropriately dubbed The Foul Flu.

The flu has been claiming the lives of turkeys since late July 2014, however the epidemic has not been brought to the public’s attention until now because the Department of Agriculture did not want to cause a massive panic before the biggest turkey-eating holidays of the year.

“Look, the bottom line is that if your family typically eats turkey for Thanksgiving you may want to plan on foregoing the classic holiday bird this year,” USDA spokesperson Larry Carmichael said in a statement this morning. “Turkey prices are going to skyrocket as the holiday approaches. We’re going to be looking at prices upwards of 7 times higher than what we are used to, so it won’t be out of question to see Butterball Turkeys going for $100 – $120.”

The Department of Agriculture is warning citizens to be highly cautious if they decide to purchase a turkey this month, as they are concerned some unscrupulous stores may decide to sell counterfeit turkeys.

“If the price appears to be too good to be true, it probably is,” said Carmichael.

In response to this morning’s news surrounding the upcoming turkey shortage, the government has released an official statement asking lower-class citizens to just plan on eating chicken this Thanksgiving.

“We can’t make it mandatory that our citizens within the lower tax brackets eat chicken instead of turkey this year, however the reality of the situation is that a with the supply dwindling, a warm turkey dinner is a luxury that should be reserved for the elite, wealthy, and worthy,” said Carmichael. “We plead with our citizens to leave the purchasing of turkeys to those that can comfortably afford it.”

Experts speculate that the classic Thanksgiving turkey dinner should be able to happen again by 2016, once they have eradicated the disease.

 

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