Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

kroger

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

 

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