‘Hobo-ing,’ Pretending To Be Homeless, Latest Trend Among Privileged Youth

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BEVERLY HILLS, California – 

An odd new trend has been started in high-end and rich cities across the country, and it seems to have started with a group of teens in Beverly Hills. “Hobo-ing,” or sometimes “hoboing,” is what the kids are calling it when they leave their extremely nice homes and mansions, and spend a night on the street begging for change.

“It started out as a mockery of the homeless, because they’re a disgusting, shitty people,” said Brian Jones, 16. “A few of us were out in LA one night, and we saw a homeless man dead on the street. It was sad and pathetic. But, he had a cup full of change, and we realized that pretending to be a bum was an easy way to supplement our incomes.”

Although Jones’ family owns one of the largest construction companies in the United States, worth an estimated $3.9 billion dollars, he says he gets a huge thrill out of pretending to be a bum.

“It’s kind of cool. I don’t shave for a few days, I throw on some old, torn jeans, and I get to hang out in extremely seedy parts of the city,” said Jones. “It’s hilarious, really, because the old jeans I wear when I go out are designer; they cost about $600. It makes me laugh a little whenever I slip them on to go out into the alleys.”

Teens across the country have begun dressing like homeless people and going out, late at night, to pretend to be poor and filthy.

“I have a little bit of a heroin problem now, like a lot of the other homeless people out there, but it’s all good,” said Jones. “I mean, the great thing about pretending to be homeless is that I still have a real bed to go sleep in, and my family can send me to the best rehab. I feel bad for those homeless fucks out there. But hey, I made almost $30 bucks begging the other day. What a damn hoot!”

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a bid to make placebos more convincing, doctors are reportedly now prescribing morphine as a cure-all from phantom headaches to imagined cancer symptoms. The move comes as a result of the increased publicity the so-called “sugar-pills” have received, causing their psychological effects to be dampened.

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“Research has shown that placebos work even when the patient is told it has no medicinal content,” said pharmaceutical expert Harry Flaubert. “However, their success is limited – there’s only so much you can do to trick a human body into thinking it feels better. Now with the public becoming more and more sceptical of pharmaceuticals as a whole, placebos are convincing almost no one.”

Doctors around the country have therefore been moving onto opiates to ensure the patients can actually feel the pills working, even if their effects have nothing to do with the symptoms reported. Simply by virtue of the fact that the patient feels a pleasant numbing in his or her head, s/he presumes the placebo is working and is satisfied.

Television personality, Dr. Mehmet Oz, has hailed morphine as a “miracle drug.”

“It’s everything you’ve been waiting for, folks,” he enthused on his eponymous show. “These drugs are the true panacea. They work almost exactly like heroin, and can cure all your problems, whether physical or psychological.”

Local old hag, Penelope Tudor, has for the first time in her life praised her doctor for work well done.

“He’s wonderful,” she said, referring to the browbeaten doctor, Dr. Charles Matic. “These new tablets he gave me are flm avaz herrummmmph…”

Dr. Matic said of the drowsy and disoriented Miss Tudor, that the morphine is really working for her, and he’s looking forward to her willing acceptance of his constant assurances that she won’t become addicted.

Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

A St. Louis man was lucky enough to attain something almost everyone in the world dreams about when last Wednesday he hit the jackpot on a state-sponsored scratch-off ticket. Robert Henry, age 43, won a whopping one million dollars on a scratch off ticket he purchased at a Puff-N-Stop gas station.

“He is obviously a huge gambler with a serious addiction,” said store clerk Charles DeWitt. “He always has been as far as I can tell, since he comes in two, sometimes three times a day to buy scratchers. He’s been doing it for as long as I’ve owned the store, which is about 11 year or so now. I’m not surprised he won big, but I am surprised it took this long.”

Sadly, things seemed to take an immediate turn for the worse, as Henry, despite winning more money in that one moment than he’d ever had in his life, curiously took all the winnings and used the money to buy more scratch tickets.

“We were pretty stocked on scratch tickets here, and when Robert came in and asked for every scratcher we had, I laughed for a good while,” said Joe Perry, a clerk at a St. Louis Cumberland Farms gas station. “It wasn’t until I realized [Mr. Henry] was serious that I sold him the tickets. All-told, he spent about $50,000 alone just in my shop.”

According to Henry’s now soon to be ex-wife, he bounced around from store to store throughout the entire city, until all his winnings were spent. After buying several hundred thousand tickets, Henry’s winnings ended up being approximately $325.

“That’s why I left the dumb sumbitch,” said Charlene Henry, Robert’s wife of 20 years. “I didn’t even know he’d won the million. He didn’t tell me until afterwards. He collected won, drove to the state lottery offices, collected the winnings, and went right back out. I never saw a penny of that money, and neither did he, the stupid-ass.”

“Well, they say hindsight is 20-20,” said Henry from his room at a local addiction clinic. “Next time maybe I’ll save some of that money instead. But hey, it’s winning that counts, right?”

 

7-Year-Old Hooked On Phonics, Refuses To Kick The Habit

CALDWELL, New Jersey – 7-Year-Old Hooked On Phonics, Refuses To Kick The Habit

Learning to read is one of the greatest milestones in a child’s early development.  For the family of 7-year-old Peter Hall, what started off as a blessing quickly turned into a curse.

Peter was reading by the age of 2, with the help of the popular Hooked on Phonics series of informational workbooks and DVDs, but now the youngster refuses to learn or do anything else.

“His grandmother bought him the first set of books,” says Peter’s mother, Monica Hall.  “Thank God she’s dead and gone so she doesn’t have to see the monster she created,” she says.  “I know she meant well, but I thank the Lord above that she’s in a place where she can’t see the hell she’s put us through.  I lost my job, my husband, and I ‘bout near lost my mind!”

“We started off by following the directions,” Monica continued.  “They said to do the lessons for 20 minutes a day, 2 to 3 times a week, which seemed fine and was good for our schedule.”

Peter instantly took to the workbooks, cards and DVDs, begging for more when the end of one learning segment was reached.  Temper tantrums and hunger strikes resulted if the books were taken away.

“At the end of the first week, I kept hearing these scratching noises in the middle of the night,” said Monica.  “I’d go into Pete’s room and there he’d be with a flashlight under his covers, reading another book, turning another page, skipping ahead to another lesson – if we tried taking the book away from him, he’d holler and scream like we were stickin’ pins in him!  Eventually we just let him keep going.  Now I see we made a huge mistake.”

“He won’t eat, won’t sleep – we were advised by a doctor to hook him up to an intravenous so that he won’t dehydrate, and we had to install a feeding tube in him last month so he wouldn’t starve to death,” Monica explained through sobs.  Even the child welfare officer threw her hands up and … and she walked out.”

“It was a living hell on Earth,” says Peter’s father and Monica’s estranged husband, Bill.  “I moved out 8 months ago.  I couldn’t take it no more – the books, the lessons, the DVDs, the sound of pages turnin’ – I quit drinkin’ 20 years ago, but I fell off the wagon by the time Petey started askin’ for biographies.  That was the limit!  Books were like crack cocaine to him, or even maybe meth – it was that bad.  I’ve been around addicts, but I never seen anything like this before!”

“The commercial says more than 3 million families have used the program and are happy with it,” says Monica.  “Well, what about us?” They don’t show people like us in those commercials.  They don’t show the people whose lives have been ruined by this evil!  It’s not fair!  It’s just not fair!”  She burst into tears.

Monica’s cries eventually subsided; the only sounds the can be heard when there’s no other noise in the house always come from Peter’s room; the turning of pages and the constant click and whirr of the feeding tube mechanism advancing a steady stream of mashed nutrients into the child’s abdomen.

“It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even talk anymore.  He just gets up, plugs in another bag of mush, loads up the machine and starts another book.  I want to die.  Dear Lord, how I pray each night for death’s sweet embrace.  Why me, oh heavenly Father, why me?”

Hooked on Phonics representatives were unable to explain the extreme circumstances surrounding the Hall’s plight.

“They’ve been in touch with us,” said Monica.  “All they said is, they can keep sending us more books and cards and DVDs with their prayers and good wishes.  They said they were working overtime just to keep up.  I know just how they feel. Lord only knows, I know just how they feel.”

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