South Carolina Man Burns Himself Alive After Trump Victory In Primaries

COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

Mark Jacobs, 27, was found dead in the front yard of his home yesterday, after police say he burned himself alive over Donald Trump’s win in the primaries.

According to a post left on Jacobs’ Facebook page Saturday afternoon, he was “extremely distraught” over the fact that Trump was leading in the elections, and that he “didn’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

“If I have to live in a world where Donald Trump is not only winning elections, but also has an extremely good shot of becoming our next president, I don’t even want to be alive,” said the Facebook post. “It’s absurd and insane that anyone with a rational, thinking brain would vote for him, and it’s time I sacrifice myself to show the world how horrible of a decision voting in Trump would be.”

According to police, Jacobs covered himself in Bernie Sanders bumper stickers and flyers, dumped a gallon of gasoline over himself, and lit a match.

“The fire was super intense,” said Mary Lambert, a neighbor. “I started smelling something burning, and then I saw the flames through my living room window. I ran outside, and I saw poor Mark all ablaze. It’s sad that he had to die to show the world how horrible Trump really is. I guess, though, that no one is ‘feeling the Bern’ like Mark.”

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

A St. Louis man was lucky enough to attain something almost everyone in the world dreams about when last Wednesday he hit the jackpot on a state-sponsored scratch-off ticket. Robert Henry, age 43, won a whopping one million dollars on a scratch off ticket he purchased at a Puff-N-Stop gas station.

“He is obviously a huge gambler with a serious addiction,” said store clerk Charles DeWitt. “He always has been as far as I can tell, since he comes in two, sometimes three times a day to buy scratchers. He’s been doing it for as long as I’ve owned the store, which is about 11 year or so now. I’m not surprised he won big, but I am surprised it took this long.”

Sadly, things seemed to take an immediate turn for the worse, as Henry, despite winning more money in that one moment than he’d ever had in his life, curiously took all the winnings and used the money to buy more scratch tickets.

“We were pretty stocked on scratch tickets here, and when Robert came in and asked for every scratcher we had, I laughed for a good while,” said Joe Perry, a clerk at a St. Louis Cumberland Farms gas station. “It wasn’t until I realized [Mr. Henry] was serious that I sold him the tickets. All-told, he spent about $50,000 alone just in my shop.”

According to Henry’s now soon to be ex-wife, he bounced around from store to store throughout the entire city, until all his winnings were spent. After buying several hundred thousand tickets, Henry’s winnings ended up being approximately $325.

“That’s why I left the dumb sumbitch,” said Charlene Henry, Robert’s wife of 20 years. “I didn’t even know he’d won the million. He didn’t tell me until afterwards. He collected won, drove to the state lottery offices, collected the winnings, and went right back out. I never saw a penny of that money, and neither did he, the stupid-ass.”

“Well, they say hindsight is 20-20,” said Henry from his room at a local addiction clinic. “Next time maybe I’ll save some of that money instead. But hey, it’s winning that counts, right?”