Doctors To Classify ‘Binge-Watching’ As Severe Mental Disorder

Doctors To Classify 'Binge-Watching' As Severe Mental Disorder


BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Eager to re-watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the April release of the next chapter? Well, your urges may be cause for concern. Binge watching has in the past year been clinically verified as an addiction, and now doctors are saying it might be in line for classification as a ‘severe mental disorder’.

“We all know that television gives us an escape from the harsh realities of life. It also allows us to dissociate from our bodies into a state of mental inaptitude,” Dr John Wallans, editor of psychiatric diagnostic handbook, DSM-V, explained on his YouTube channel. “What it can do is turn our brains off and make us sink into depression and apathy. Some people do not recover as quickly after watching one episode, and they are drawn into watching two or three at a time. The habit slowly develops into a disorder, in which they are never free from the psychological disintegration, and use excessive television marathons as a distorted coping mechanism.”

The public at large remains unimpressed.

“I coulda toldja that,” said chronic watcher Jim Bellic. “I know what’s wrong with my head, and I know why I binge watch. Doctors just wanna make everything into an illness ya know. It’s so they can make money on drugs. They’re in it with the pharmaceutical companies. I think it’s called pharming.”

Television personality Dr Oz has jumped onto the mental illness bandwagon, using the latest episode of his show to spread terror of this “terrible malady” and promote BingeKiller, a so-called “wonder-drug which cures tv induced depression in mere seconds.”

For more information about the symptoms of the disorder and how to treat it, stories of diagnosis and cure, and fear-mongering by irate Googlers, WebMD has added binge-watching to its catalogue, and has already built up over ten million comments sharing non-expert advice.

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing



In a bid to make placebos more convincing, doctors are reportedly now prescribing morphine as a cure-all from phantom headaches to imagined cancer symptoms. The move comes as a result of the increased publicity the so-called “sugar-pills” have received, causing their psychological effects to be dampened.

“Research has shown that placebos work even when the patient is told it has no medicinal content,” said pharmaceutical expert Harry Flaubert. “However, their success is limited – there’s only so much you can do to trick a human body into thinking it feels better. Now with the public becoming more and more sceptical of pharmaceuticals as a whole, placebos are convincing almost no one.”

Doctors around the country have therefore been moving onto opiates to ensure the patients can actually feel the pills working, even if their effects have nothing to do with the symptoms reported. Simply by virtue of the fact that the patient feels a pleasant numbing in his or her head, s/he presumes the placebo is working and is satisfied.

Television personality, Dr. Mehmet Oz, has hailed morphine as a “miracle drug.”

“It’s everything you’ve been waiting for, folks,” he enthused on his eponymous show. “These drugs are the true panacea. They work almost exactly like heroin, and can cure all your problems, whether physical or psychological.”

Local old hag, Penelope Tudor, has for the first time in her life praised her doctor for work well done.

“He’s wonderful,” she said, referring to the browbeaten doctor, Dr. Charles Matic. “These new tablets he gave me are flm avaz herrummmmph…”

Dr. Matic said of the drowsy and disoriented Miss Tudor, that the morphine is really working for her, and he’s looking forward to her willing acceptance of his constant assurances that she won’t become addicted.

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