Homosexuality To Be Placed Back On APA List Of Mental Disorders

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LAKE SAINT LOUIS, Missouri – 

In 1952, the American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ in their official guides to psychiatric medicine. It remained on the books for over 20 years, being removed in 1973. Now, 40 years later, the APA has decided, after decades of study, to place homosexuality back on the list of mental disorders.

“We removed the ‘diagnosis’ in 1973, because we were just coming out of the 60s. You know, free love, everyone was screwing everybody, and a lot of the APA members back then, they’d done a lot of acid and a ton of ecstasy, and they had just had sex with anything,” said APA president Joseph Goldsmith. “APA men were doing other APA men, and it was a trying time. Because of the experimentation of the 60s, we removed homosexuality as being a mental illness. Mostly because none of these APA members wanted to be thought of us mentally unstable.”

Goldsmith says that they have decided to place homosexuality back into their official list of mental disorders, because new research has determined that it is, in fact, not ‘normal’ to be gay.

“People think it’s genetic or something, but it’s definitely not,” said Goldsmith. “We know they’re not born that way, and we know that no one in their right mind would choose to be gay…and if they’re not in their right mind, then they are, in the simplest of terms, mentally ill.”

Goldsmith says that although ‘all the gays’ will now be technically classified as mentally ill, there are some upsides.

“Now they can score medical marijuana, as a possible relief from their mental illness, so that’s a big plus,” said Goldsmith. “Sadly, they will no longer be able to marry, because they don’t have the mental capacity to sign anything, regardless of federal rule. But hell, you win some, you lose some, right?”

Man Cuts Off Own Nose To Spite Wife’s Face

Man Cuts Off Own Nose To Spite Wife's Face

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

Local father Benjamin Straub has cut off his own nose in order to spite his wife’s face. Mrs. Straub apparently has an aversion to her face directly touching her husband’s, and relied on the appendage serving as a boundary between them. Now that it is gone, there is nothing to stop the very essence of the spiteful man’s visage from touching her.

“He cut off his nose to spite my face,” the distraught woman told reporters. “Who does that? What are people going to think when they see my face? They’ll think, ‘there goes the woman whose face is in constant contact with her husband’s skull. She’s disgusting.’”

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Straub’s psychiatrist however, thinks there were alternate reasons that the man went to such lengths.

“He’s always wanted to do it,” said Dr William Peters. “The first time I saw him, he said to me, ‘I hate my face. I want to hurt it.’ We worked really hard on this hatred and I thought we were getting somewhere. But when he no longer wanted to spite his own face, he found an excuse to cut it off anyway. Seems like it’s just a weird fetish. We’ll get to sorting it out at some point – just as soon as we’re done with his daddy issues and fear of the government.”

Friends say that Straub has always seemed rather off to them, and that his latest irreversible incident does not surprise them in the least.

“Benjamin’s always had a thing for cutting off body parts,” said former college companion Richard Porter. “When we were freshmen he cut off his left ear, sophomore year he cut off his left. A few years later he gouged both his eyes out, and then after his marriage he moved on to the bigger limbs. I mean, since he cut off his left arm and both his legs, all he had left was his nose and mouth. I’d worry for his more intimate parts if I was Jennifer [Straub].”

As of press time, Mrs Straub had reportedly cut off her husband’s penis as an attempt to preempt further actions he might regret.

Doctors To Classify ‘Binge-Watching’ As Severe Mental Disorder

Doctors To Classify 'Binge-Watching' As Severe Mental Disorder

 

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Eager to re-watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the April release of the next chapter? Well, your urges may be cause for concern. Binge watching has in the past year been clinically verified as an addiction, and now doctors are saying it might be in line for classification as a ‘severe mental disorder’.

“We all know that television gives us an escape from the harsh realities of life. It also allows us to dissociate from our bodies into a state of mental inaptitude,” Dr John Wallans, editor of psychiatric diagnostic handbook, DSM-V, explained on his YouTube channel. “What it can do is turn our brains off and make us sink into depression and apathy. Some people do not recover as quickly after watching one episode, and they are drawn into watching two or three at a time. The habit slowly develops into a disorder, in which they are never free from the psychological disintegration, and use excessive television marathons as a distorted coping mechanism.”

The public at large remains unimpressed.

“I coulda toldja that,” said chronic watcher Jim Bellic. “I know what’s wrong with my head, and I know why I binge watch. Doctors just wanna make everything into an illness ya know. It’s so they can make money on drugs. They’re in it with the pharmaceutical companies. I think it’s called pharming.”

Television personality Dr Oz has jumped onto the mental illness bandwagon, using the latest episode of his show to spread terror of this “terrible malady” and promote BingeKiller, a so-called “wonder-drug which cures tv induced depression in mere seconds.”

For more information about the symptoms of the disorder and how to treat it, stories of diagnosis and cure, and fear-mongering by irate Googlers, WebMD has added binge-watching to its catalogue, and has already built up over ten million comments sharing non-expert advice.

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