CHICAGO, Illinois –
Local father Benjamin Straub has cut off his own nose in order to spite his wife’s face. Mrs. Straub apparently has an aversion to her face directly touching her husband’s, and relied on the appendage serving as a boundary between them. Now that it is gone, there is nothing to stop the very essence of the spiteful man’s visage from touching her.
“He cut off his nose to spite my face,” the distraught woman told reporters. “Who does that? What are people going to think when they see my face? They’ll think, ‘there goes the woman whose face is in constant contact with her husband’s skull. She’s disgusting.’”
Straub’s psychiatrist however, thinks there were alternate reasons that the man went to such lengths.
“He’s always wanted to do it,” said Dr William Peters. “The first time I saw him, he said to me, ‘I hate my face. I want to hurt it.’ We worked really hard on this hatred and I thought we were getting somewhere. But when he no longer wanted to spite his own face, he found an excuse to cut it off anyway. Seems like it’s just a weird fetish. We’ll get to sorting it out at some point – just as soon as we’re done with his daddy issues and fear of the government.”
Friends say that Straub has always seemed rather off to them, and that his latest irreversible incident does not surprise them in the least.
“Benjamin’s always had a thing for cutting off body parts,” said former college companion Richard Porter. “When we were freshmen he cut off his left ear, sophomore year he cut off his left. A few years later he gouged both his eyes out, and then after his marriage he moved on to the bigger limbs. I mean, since he cut off his left arm and both his legs, all he had left was his nose and mouth. I’d worry for his more intimate parts if I was Jennifer [Straub].”
As of press time, Mrs Straub had reportedly cut off her husband’s penis as an attempt to preempt further actions he might regret.