American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”

Man Cuts Off Own Nose To Spite Wife’s Face

Man Cuts Off Own Nose To Spite Wife's Face

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

Local father Benjamin Straub has cut off his own nose in order to spite his wife’s face. Mrs. Straub apparently has an aversion to her face directly touching her husband’s, and relied on the appendage serving as a boundary between them. Now that it is gone, there is nothing to stop the very essence of the spiteful man’s visage from touching her.

“He cut off his nose to spite my face,” the distraught woman told reporters. “Who does that? What are people going to think when they see my face? They’ll think, ‘there goes the woman whose face is in constant contact with her husband’s skull. She’s disgusting.’”

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Straub’s psychiatrist however, thinks there were alternate reasons that the man went to such lengths.

“He’s always wanted to do it,” said Dr William Peters. “The first time I saw him, he said to me, ‘I hate my face. I want to hurt it.’ We worked really hard on this hatred and I thought we were getting somewhere. But when he no longer wanted to spite his own face, he found an excuse to cut it off anyway. Seems like it’s just a weird fetish. We’ll get to sorting it out at some point – just as soon as we’re done with his daddy issues and fear of the government.”

Friends say that Straub has always seemed rather off to them, and that his latest irreversible incident does not surprise them in the least.

“Benjamin’s always had a thing for cutting off body parts,” said former college companion Richard Porter. “When we were freshmen he cut off his left ear, sophomore year he cut off his left. A few years later he gouged both his eyes out, and then after his marriage he moved on to the bigger limbs. I mean, since he cut off his left arm and both his legs, all he had left was his nose and mouth. I’d worry for his more intimate parts if I was Jennifer [Straub].”

As of press time, Mrs Straub had reportedly cut off her husband’s penis as an attempt to preempt further actions he might regret.

Creed Vocalist Scott Stapp Confesses Recent Crazy Acts All An Elaborate Publicity Stunt To Promote New Band

TAMPA BAY, Florida – Creed Vocalist Scott Stapp Confesses Recent Crazy Acts All An 'Elaborate Hoax', Publicity Stunt For New Band

Just when you thought his conduct could not get any more bizarre, former Creed vocalist Scott Stapp, who has been in the news the last several weeks for what was believed to be the result of mental illness and/or massive drug and alcohol abuse, has confessed to his antics all being an elaborate hoax.

Today in a press conference in a downtown Tampa Holiday Inn, the singer announced that the crazy series of events were all made up to promote the debut of his new band, The Pig Head Conspiracy.

“I’m here to announce to you today that all the terrible news about me, my family, and my financial ruin was all a huge lie. Somehow we were convinced it would help put my name out there again, and would lead to a spike in album sales once my new band released our album,” said Stapp.  “I really just assumed that people had forgotten about me, and that this would bring me back into the spotlight. Nobody has bought a Creed album since 1999.”

“That dude sounds crazy as shit,” said Mark Calloway, a 14-year-old ‘metal head’ from Fresno, California. “I mean, I saw his name trending on Facebook, and that’s where I get all my news, so I was looking him up on Wikipedia. I had no idea who Creed was, so I gave them a listen on Spotify. Turns out they suck, so I guess this dude probably did the right thing trying to make himself look like a psycho to sell his new band. It actually makes me want to download his new CD when it comes out. I mean, like, not pay for it, but download it, you know?”

“We fired our promotions manager yesterday,” said band member Aaron Silver. “I’m sorry that we made it seem like Scott had a mental illness or whatever just to promote a band. I mean, he’s definitely off a bit, but he’s not that crazy. Not really. Well, I mean, sort of. But does it matter? He was famous in the 90s, so even if he was completely out of his goddamned mind, the public would forgive him. We always forgive second-rate celebrities, right? I mean shit, Vince Neil killed a guy, and we all still love Motley Crue!”

According to Stapp, the new band, named The Pig Head Conspiracy, is a metal band with its primary theme being politics, unmonitored corruption of the government by way of Satan, and the greed of the Catholic church – a far cry from his former band Creed, which was very pro-biblical.

“The new self-titled album comes out in February, and a national tour is currently being constructed,” said Stapp. “At least a small stint of the tour will be in support of Slipknot. It’s going to be really fun.”

 

New NRA-Backed Bill To Place 3 Day Waiting Period on Becoming Mentally Ill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – empire-news-NRA-backed-bill-would-place-three-day-waiting-period-on-becoming-mentally-ill

In a press conference this weekend, a group of house Republicans led by representative Joe Wilson announced a forthcoming bill which would place a three day waiting period on becoming mentally ill. The bill has the support of the NRA and has been praised by many gun-rights advocates as a common-sense step towards decreasing gun violence.

The bill would introduce a procedure whereby any American seeking to become mentally ill would have to announce their intentions to local law enforcement. From the time of their decision, citizens would then have to wait a full 72 hours before actually becoming mentally ill, giving law enforcement and local support systems plenty of time to prepare to deal with the issue.

Representative Wilson says this bill could help prevent most, if not all, of the gun violence which has plagued our nation for years.

“We’ve known for a while now that America has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem.” Said Wilson. “Well, it’s time we start taking concrete steps to help fix this.”

Later in the press conference, Wilson elaborated on the reasoning behind the bill, saying that people need to better understand the impact that becoming mentally ill can have on their lives.

“This waiting period might not be the perfect solution, but I think forcing people to sit and really think about whether or not they want to become mentally ill could help a lot of folks.” Said Wilson.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre has thrown the full weight of the NRA behind the bill already. In a written statement to the press, LaPierre said that this was an important step towards preventing future gun violence in this country.

“It would be too difficult and expensive to attempt to regulate guns through legislation, so we must begin to regulate mental illness.” Said LaPierre. “It’s time to start keeping mental illness out of the hands of people who could cause harm with it.”

Not everyone is excited about the new effort to impose regulation on mental illness, though. Eric Fontaine, a mental illness rights activist, says that the government has no business coming between a person and any mental illness they might want. Fontaine says the bill, “… would place an undue restriction on my ability to become mentally ill. What if I’m at a mental illness show and I decide I want to come down with schizophrenia right away? I shouldn’t need to get the government involved in that transaction, I should just be able to decide to hear voices and then start hearing them right away.”

“Besides,” Fontaine added, “Most mentally ill people are law abiding citizens. It doesn’t make sense to punish all of us just because of a few bad apples.”

While the bill would be a major step forward for mental illness regulation, some are already complaining that Congress must do more. Steve Winthrop, a mental illness regulation advocate, said that he wants a universal background check for anyone seeking to become mentally ill.

“We need to make sure that the people becoming mentally ill aren’t convicted felons, violent offenders or, even worse, mentally ill.” Said Winthrop.

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