Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

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“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.

Bill Cosby Confesses: ‘I Was Abused As A Child By Buckwheat’

HOLLYWOOD, California – Bill Cosby Confesses-  ‘I Was Abused As A Child By Buckwheat’

In a shocking confession, Bill Cosby admitted that he was abused by Our Gang childhood actor William ‘Buckwheat’ Thomas. Cosby says he blames his own misconduct on the abuse he himself faced.

“Buckwheat was my idol, I watched Our Gang all the time. I just thought he was so funny,” said  Cosby. “When I was 7 I finally got my chance to meet him, when my parents took me to the studio where they filmed a lot of the shows. He was my idol, he was a groundbreaking actor for my generation. I don’t want to go into exact details because it’s upsetting, but I will tell you some of the parts I remember. I think this may explain the demons that plague me still.”

Cosby said that although he has blocked out a lot of the traumatic memories, he feels that now is the time to share what he can recall, in hopes that people will get a better understanding of his own life.

“Buckwheat invited me to go back to his house and play, and my parents let me go. I was so excited! I was young, and Buckwheat told me that he could talk to producers, maybe get me on the show. It was amazing! I didn’t know any better. I remember Buckwheat giving me a glass of Coca-Cola, and I started feeling woozy. Then he was whispering to me as I fell asleep, and he was saying,’ It’s Otay, it’s Otay lil’ Bill.’ A couple hours later I woke up, and my underwear was on backwards. That’s all I remember. I think that explains a lot and you see, I’m a victim too. So can we please just forget about all this ugliness and move on with our lives, now? A life without lawsuits and possible criminal charges?” 

“That’s bullshit,” said Buckwheat’s daughter Mary Thomas. “How dare Bill Cosby try to ruin my Father’s memory?! My father was a great man, and Bill is just trying to deflect his rape problems onto my father. He’s obviously a liar, as he’s denied every allegation against him. One person, sure, maybe she’s a fame-seeker. When, like, 40 women come forward…ugh. I know I shouldn’t get upset, my Father was a peaceful man and a forgiving man, I’m sure if he was alive today he would tell me ‘It’s Otay Mary, it’s Otay. Cosby is just a little bitch.'”

 

New NRA-Backed Bill To Place 3 Day Waiting Period on Becoming Mentally Ill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – empire-news-NRA-backed-bill-would-place-three-day-waiting-period-on-becoming-mentally-ill

In a press conference this weekend, a group of house Republicans led by representative Joe Wilson announced a forthcoming bill which would place a three day waiting period on becoming mentally ill. The bill has the support of the NRA and has been praised by many gun-rights advocates as a common-sense step towards decreasing gun violence.

The bill would introduce a procedure whereby any American seeking to become mentally ill would have to announce their intentions to local law enforcement. From the time of their decision, citizens would then have to wait a full 72 hours before actually becoming mentally ill, giving law enforcement and local support systems plenty of time to prepare to deal with the issue.

Representative Wilson says this bill could help prevent most, if not all, of the gun violence which has plagued our nation for years.

“We’ve known for a while now that America has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem.” Said Wilson. “Well, it’s time we start taking concrete steps to help fix this.”

Later in the press conference, Wilson elaborated on the reasoning behind the bill, saying that people need to better understand the impact that becoming mentally ill can have on their lives.

“This waiting period might not be the perfect solution, but I think forcing people to sit and really think about whether or not they want to become mentally ill could help a lot of folks.” Said Wilson.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre has thrown the full weight of the NRA behind the bill already. In a written statement to the press, LaPierre said that this was an important step towards preventing future gun violence in this country.

“It would be too difficult and expensive to attempt to regulate guns through legislation, so we must begin to regulate mental illness.” Said LaPierre. “It’s time to start keeping mental illness out of the hands of people who could cause harm with it.”

Not everyone is excited about the new effort to impose regulation on mental illness, though. Eric Fontaine, a mental illness rights activist, says that the government has no business coming between a person and any mental illness they might want. Fontaine says the bill, “… would place an undue restriction on my ability to become mentally ill. What if I’m at a mental illness show and I decide I want to come down with schizophrenia right away? I shouldn’t need to get the government involved in that transaction, I should just be able to decide to hear voices and then start hearing them right away.”

“Besides,” Fontaine added, “Most mentally ill people are law abiding citizens. It doesn’t make sense to punish all of us just because of a few bad apples.”

While the bill would be a major step forward for mental illness regulation, some are already complaining that Congress must do more. Steve Winthrop, a mental illness regulation advocate, said that he wants a universal background check for anyone seeking to become mentally ill.

“We need to make sure that the people becoming mentally ill aren’t convicted felons, violent offenders or, even worse, mentally ill.” Said Winthrop.

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