Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

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Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.

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