Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

Bill Gates Lobbies To Have His Face Put On U.S. $20 Bills

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MEDINA, Washington – 

Billionaire businessman and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is lobbying to have his face put onto U.S. $20 bills. The move comes in response to a growing desire to see “more original” money in circulation, and aims to replace President Andrew Jackson. Jackson has been the face of the $20 bill since 1928, but the 7th President of America is controversial in some circles and many want him off their money.

“I’ve worked hard my whole life to get to where I am today,” Bill Gates told the press. “I’m really rich so, technically, I should be able to get anything I want. I want to be on the $20 notes, and that should be granted to me. I have lots and lots of money. Since I own more money, and ergo, more twenty dollar bills than anyone else on the planet, I should be able to have my face on them.”

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But critics say that, just because he has so much money, does not mean he owns the actual concept.

“Yes, he owns lots of currency,” said Lupel Troon. “But he doesn’t own the currency. That is the possession of the American people, and won’t change, even if he manages to possess most of it.”

Other pundits have been more amenable to Gates’s demands.

“He is the greatest manifestation of the American dream. It only stands to reason that he should be honored for this, and what more appropriate way than to put him on the money?”

Communist group, Equality For All (EFA), have rallied against Gates, saying he represents “everything that is wrong with America.”

“This is why capitalism does not work! It’s just another word for greed. Every American citizen should be represented on the currency, because we all work hard, and everyone deserves equal. Imagine no possessions – it’s easy if you try.”

Gates responded dismissively, saying, “Screw the commies. How do they even still exist? Anyway, they’re not gonna get in the way of big money.”

The bulk of our great capitalist nation tends to agree.

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