American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has released their latest journal, and it is causing an uproar in the psychiatric and medical communities. The APA, which is responsible for classifying and normalizing mental and sexual proclivities, has stated in their latest journal that pedophilia is a “natural, and ‘okay'” response.

“Ever since the government began its quest to “normalize” homosexuality and other perverse sexual behavior, conservatives have been saying it’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Greg Carson of the APA. “Since children are reaching puberty earlier than ever before, sex with 11 to 14-year-olds should not be considered wrong. We found that at least a sizable minority of normal males would like to have sex with children, and normal males are aroused by children. With this information, we went ahead and published our study.”

The “Classifying Sex: Debating DSM-5” conference that happened in February in Washington featured speakers who condoned pedophilia as “natural and normal for males.” DSM-5 is short for the 5th volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which classifies disorders as provided by the APA.

Lawmakers are currently deciding whether pedophilia should still be illegal, as homosexuality was also once an illegal activity, until it was later discovered – and condoned – by the APA to be part of a normal, healthy mental state.

American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

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The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”

Homosexuality To Be Placed Back On APA List Of Mental Disorders

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LAKE SAINT LOUIS, Missouri – 

In 1952, the American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ in their official guides to psychiatric medicine. It remained on the books for over 20 years, being removed in 1973. Now, 40 years later, the APA has decided, after decades of study, to place homosexuality back on the list of mental disorders.

“We removed the ‘diagnosis’ in 1973, because we were just coming out of the 60s. You know, free love, everyone was screwing everybody, and a lot of the APA members back then, they’d done a lot of acid and a ton of ecstasy, and they had just had sex with anything,” said APA president Joseph Goldsmith. “APA men were doing other APA men, and it was a trying time. Because of the experimentation of the 60s, we removed homosexuality as being a mental illness. Mostly because none of these APA members wanted to be thought of us mentally unstable.”

Goldsmith says that they have decided to place homosexuality back into their official list of mental disorders, because new research has determined that it is, in fact, not ‘normal’ to be gay.

“People think it’s genetic or something, but it’s definitely not,” said Goldsmith. “We know they’re not born that way, and we know that no one in their right mind would choose to be gay…and if they’re not in their right mind, then they are, in the simplest of terms, mentally ill.”

Goldsmith says that although ‘all the gays’ will now be technically classified as mentally ill, there are some upsides.

“Now they can score medical marijuana, as a possible relief from their mental illness, so that’s a big plus,” said Goldsmith. “Sadly, they will no longer be able to marry, because they don’t have the mental capacity to sign anything, regardless of federal rule. But hell, you win some, you lose some, right?”

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