American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has released their latest journal, and it is causing an uproar in the psychiatric and medical communities. The APA, which is responsible for classifying and normalizing mental and sexual proclivities, has stated in their latest journal that pedophilia is a “natural, and ‘okay'” response.

“Ever since the government began its quest to “normalize” homosexuality and other perverse sexual behavior, conservatives have been saying it’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Greg Carson of the APA. “Since children are reaching puberty earlier than ever before, sex with 11 to 14-year-olds should not be considered wrong. We found that at least a sizable minority of normal males would like to have sex with children, and normal males are aroused by children. With this information, we went ahead and published our study.”

The “Classifying Sex: Debating DSM-5” conference that happened in February in Washington featured speakers who condoned pedophilia as “natural and normal for males.” DSM-5 is short for the 5th volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which classifies disorders as provided by the APA.

Lawmakers are currently deciding whether pedophilia should still be illegal, as homosexuality was also once an illegal activity, until it was later discovered – and condoned – by the APA to be part of a normal, healthy mental state.

Scientists Discover Gene That Causes ‘Psychotic’ Behavior

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Scientists and researchers at Harvard University have discovered the gene that creates psychotic and startling, violent behavior, according to reports.

According to the report, the research team was actually looking to manipulate another set of genes in the human body, when they discovered the “psycho gene” by accident.

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“The amazing thing about this gene is that it’s easily manipulated and controllable,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard. “If someone has violent or psychotic tendencies, we can find and isolate this gene in their body, and we can, essentially, remove it. It’s a miracle of modern science, if I do say so myself.”

Doctors agree that the ability to completely remove or even slightly warp the gene would mean an end to violence and erratic behavior in many individuals.

“The only problem, really, is that we have to get near this people with sharp needles and possibly scalpels to even make any changes,” said Dr. Brown. “And who the hell wants to get near a psychopath with a needle?”

Homosexuality To Be Placed Back On APA List Of Mental Disorders

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LAKE SAINT LOUIS, Missouri – 

In 1952, the American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ in their official guides to psychiatric medicine. It remained on the books for over 20 years, being removed in 1973. Now, 40 years later, the APA has decided, after decades of study, to place homosexuality back on the list of mental disorders.

“We removed the ‘diagnosis’ in 1973, because we were just coming out of the 60s. You know, free love, everyone was screwing everybody, and a lot of the APA members back then, they’d done a lot of acid and a ton of ecstasy, and they had just had sex with anything,” said APA president Joseph Goldsmith. “APA men were doing other APA men, and it was a trying time. Because of the experimentation of the 60s, we removed homosexuality as being a mental illness. Mostly because none of these APA members wanted to be thought of us mentally unstable.”

Goldsmith says that they have decided to place homosexuality back into their official list of mental disorders, because new research has determined that it is, in fact, not ‘normal’ to be gay.

“People think it’s genetic or something, but it’s definitely not,” said Goldsmith. “We know they’re not born that way, and we know that no one in their right mind would choose to be gay…and if they’re not in their right mind, then they are, in the simplest of terms, mentally ill.”

Goldsmith says that although ‘all the gays’ will now be technically classified as mentally ill, there are some upsides.

“Now they can score medical marijuana, as a possible relief from their mental illness, so that’s a big plus,” said Goldsmith. “Sadly, they will no longer be able to marry, because they don’t have the mental capacity to sign anything, regardless of federal rule. But hell, you win some, you lose some, right?”

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