Scientists Discover Gene That Causes ‘Psychotic’ Behavior

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Scientists and researchers at Harvard University have discovered the gene that creates psychotic and startling, violent behavior, according to reports.

According to the report, the research team was actually looking to manipulate another set of genes in the human body, when they discovered the “psycho gene” by accident.

“The amazing thing about this gene is that it’s easily manipulated and controllable,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard. “If someone has violent or psychotic tendencies, we can find and isolate this gene in their body, and we can, essentially, remove it. It’s a miracle of modern science, if I do say so myself.”

Doctors agree that the ability to completely remove or even slightly warp the gene would mean an end to violence and erratic behavior in many individuals.

“The only problem, really, is that we have to get near this people with sharp needles and possibly scalpels to even make any changes,” said Dr. Brown. “And who the hell wants to get near a psychopath with a needle?”

Shocking DNA Results Revealed: Body Of Elderly Homeless Man Identified As Elvis Presley

Shocking DNA Results Revealed- Body Of Elderly Homeless Man Identified As Elvis Presley

 

SAN DIEGO, California –

Earlier this month, an 80-year-old, homeless, white-bearded man was found deceased under an overpass in San Diego, California. Nobody knew the man’s name, but friends referred to him as Jessie, so investigators decided to try DNA testing with hopes that something would pop up in the nationwide DNA database. What popped up on the computer screen in the high-tech lab stunned everyone. The DNA results of ‘Jessie Doe’ were an exact match to the one and only, Elvis Aaron Presley.

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Lab technician Robert Brensdale said he and his lab assistant, Madeline Hedgespeth, laughed when the name popped up. “We thought somebody, somewhere, somehow in the system pulled the greatest and most elaborate prank on us ever, we both laughed with hysteria for about an hour,” Bresndale told Jerry Hardin of the Hollywood Word, a new entertainment publication based out of Los Angeles.

Brensdale and Hedgespeth then went to their superior with laughter, as if he were the one behind this “prank”. They were told to simmer down and stay quiet, that this was no laughing matter. From there, the results went up the ladder to the FBI and CIA.

Now, weeks later, FBI spokesperson Philip Hunter has revealed that the deceased man’s body was actually the body of Elvis Presley, who had been in the witness protection program since 1977.

“Mr. Presley was placed in the program under a voluntary basis. He was not a witness to any crime or anything like that. Once he had met President Nixon, the two became great friends, and Mr. Presley wanted out of his life, he wanted to be an unknown, so President Nixon made this possible. Yes, it is official – Elvis Presley was really alive all that time, and only a handful of people knew it, most of which are no longer with us.

>> NEXT >> “Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction” >>

DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

NEW YORK, New York – DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

Vladimir Kershov, publicist of R&B singer Bruno Mars, has been fired today after he revealed a shocking secret regarding the pop and R&B singer. Kershov leaked private information that revealed that Michael Jackson is Mars’ biological father.

In a statement emailed to news and media outlets across the world, Kershov revealed that he was told by the singer that DNA testing had proven that Jackson, known across the world as the King of Pop, was without a doubt his biological father. After pleading with Mars, born under the name Peter Hernandez, to go public with the revelation, Mars refused to do so. Kershov insisted that it be made known to the public, and that the news would catapult the singer’s fame and boost record sales. Mars remained adamant that the information not be released. According to Kershov, he then took it upon himself and emailed the shocking news to media sources all over the world.

“DNA testing has proven that Michael Jackson is the biological father of Bruno Mars,” Kershov said in the statement. “Against his wishes, I have decided to relay this message for the greater good and betterment of Bruno’s life and extravagant music career.”

In a statement released by Mars’ new publicist, Jacqueline Pryor, it has been announced that Kershov was immediately fired by the singer, and may seek legal action against his former publicist. “The job of a publicist is indeed to better the career of their clients by persuading them to take part in things that cause their popularity to grow, however, the client must trust their publicist. The artist has the final say, no matter what.”

When asked about the validity of Kershov’s statement, Pryor surprisingly made it clear that the information is accurate. “It is true. Doesn’t mean he was right in saying so, but it is true. When it comes to 29-year-old Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson is the father!”

Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

SAN JOSE, California – Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

The most infamous blue dress in the world, associated with the most sensational Presidential scandal in recent history, has reared its ugly head once again.

The garment, stained with the DNA provided by former President Bill Clinton, was originally purchased by Lewinsky from the GAP clothing store, and showed up on the online auction site BetMe.net last week.  An online bidder known only as ‘William J. Slickton’ of New York, entered the winning bid of $288,050.10.

“Slick Willie” was the nickname given to Bill Clinton, a reference to his deal-making skills while Governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and from 1983 to 1992.

The question of the day is, could William J. Slickton actually be William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States?  Although BetMe.net does not disclose personal member details beyond those provided by the user in his or her profile, what is known so far offers clues as to the identity of the winning bidder:

William Slickton has been a member of the BetMe community for 3 years.  Previous winning bids have been for golf equipment, a vintage saxophone case, several crossword puzzle books, and an antique pre-Civil War hand-drawn map of Arkansas.  The items link to hobbies, activities, and interests enjoyed by the former President.

Professional Hacker ‘LindaTrippster@safecrack.net’ obtained the unique IP address of William J. Slickton’s computer in order to determine the location where the auction transaction took place.  The locale was Chappaqua, New York, site of the Clinton’s home.

Will this disclosure hurt former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s chances to become the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee?  Empire News asked presidential historian Hedda Parsons to offer insights.  “There’s always a risk of damage when bringing up a scandal,” said Parsons.  “The question remains, would the former President actually be so bold as to use an online identity so closely related to his own nickname?  And why would he want a dress with his DNA all over it in the first place?  Everyone knows that in Washington you can’t wear the same outfit twice – let alone re-wear a dress that someone has … well, we all know the mess that was made all over that dress.”

Questions about Clinton’s judgment are indeed valid.  Many feel that the choice to initiate a liaison with a 22-year-old intern in the Oval Office demonstrated a severe lapse in judgment, and it lead to Clinton’s impeachment in 1998.

As to who put the dress up for auction in the first place, Monica Lewinsky remains tight-lipped.  In a statement provided by her attorney, Ms. Lewinksy said “The dress was used as evidence during Prosecutor Ken Starr’s trial and was no longer in my possession.  The events in question occurred during a very dark period in my life.  Since then, I have washed my hands of the whole affair and have continued to move forward.”

No comment has been issued by the former President.

Crazy DNA Test Results Reveal Maury Povich Is The Father Of His Adopted Son

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Crazy DNA Test Results Reveal Maury Povich Is The Father Of His Adopted Son

Since 1991, daytime talk show host Maury Povich has shocked hundreds of young men and changed the lives of an equal number of young women by revealing DNA paternity test results on The Maury Povich Show, later renamed Maury.

Povich’s dramatic declaration of You are NOT the father! is typically followed by exuberant dancing and somersaults from recently ruled-out fathers, to humiliated screams of desperate, truth-seeking mothers who run offstage, often followed by cameras recording every anguished scream and tear.

During a show taping last week, the tables were turned on Povich himself, when he volunteered to undergo a DNA test after being issued a challenge from an angry viewer.

In an email laced with obscenities, ‘professional blogger’ Mark Satterfield accused the show of staging its paternity show results.  “I emailed them and said I know for a fact that you ass—– fake all those shows just to get the ratings.  All there [sic] shows are crap and so then I said listen up you motherf——, I’m going public with what I know.  I said I dare you to print this, and then that ass—- Maury Povich emailed me in person to invite me to be on the f—— show.”

“I believe in the integrity of the Maury show, so what better way to put my credibility and professional honor on the line?” asked Povich.  “I personally invited Mr. Satterfield to be a part of the studio audience, and I wanted him to read the test results himself.  I asked my adopted son if he would volunteer a sample of his DNA, which he agreed to do.  “It was a hole-in-one,” remarked Povich, an avid golfer.

The day of the taping arrived.  The audience was told why Povich was seated on the guest’s couch rather than in the host’s chair.  Taping began.  Satterfield was handed the now familiar manila envelope.  He opened it and announced to Povich and the audience:  “In the case of your adopted son, … Maury, … You … ARE the father!”

The studio audience erupted in wild screams and chants of “Aw, Snap!” “Damn Mo Po!” “What the F—?” “For real?” and “Wait…what?”  Several audience members, including Povich’s wife, journalist and former CBS News co-host Connie Chung, remained frozen in their seats — too stunned to react.

“I was like, ‘well this s— has gotta be fake, too,’” said Satterfield.  “I know for a fact that your adopted son can’t turn out to be your natural son, because he’s adopted! Heck, I’m adopted, and my adopted father was more of a real father to me than my natural father, that rat b—— who I never even met once!” he explained.

“But then,” continued Satterfield, “I saw the audience screaming and pointing at Maury and jumping up and down, so it hit me me what was going on, so I said ‘Oh, s***!  I threw the envelope down and did my own f****** dance.”

Povich ran off the stage covering his mouth and threatening his camera crew.  “Do NOT follow me backstage, do you understand? DO NOT follow me with that damn camera!” he demanded.

Several television show hosts were quick to offer reaction to the news, which sent ripples throughout the television hosting community.

“The test result was the most shocking event that I’ve ever witnessed in the history of my entire journey,” commented Oprah Winfrey, from her OWN Studio Headquarters.  “My best friend Gayle and I were watching the show, and Steadman too, and the DNA result was even more shocking and unbelievable than what I used to do on my show back in the day!  It was shocking!  We were shocked!  So was Steadman.  He was there!”

Judith Sheindlin, outspoken host of the nationally syndicated program Judge Judy remarked, “That’s outrageous! Case dismissed!”

Povich initially said he had no explanation for the 99.99 per cent probability that he and his son were directly related, but later, when interviewed for a segment yet to be aired, Povich admitted that he donated sperm several years ago when he needed quick cash during a ratings slump.

“This revelation has strengthened the relationship between my son and me, which has always been strong,” said Povich.  “I’ve said from the moment [Connie and] I saw him, that he’s always felt like my own son, and as it turns out, he is.”  When asked if he was aware of any other children he has fathered, Povich chuckled, “Not as far as I know, but maybe we’ll find out a different truth on a future episode.”

Povich announced he would devote the next several shows to determining the identity of the mother.

Calls to Connie Chung were not immediately answered.

Kanye West’s DNA Used To Clone and Breed Guinea Pigs

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-news-kanye-west-dna-used-to-clone-and-breed-guinea-pigs

The proposed business merger between Kayne West and biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics came to a grinding halt Tuesday, when the first of a brood of cloned guinea pigs were found to have a nearly 90% mortality rate. Of the original 86 live births from a synthetic womb, a full 77 were found to possibly be suicidal.

While initially confused by the trend, science has found an explanation to the phenomenon, although a confusing and disturbing one.

The facility where the cloned animals were to be housed had been equipped with watering systems made of hypoallergenic, germ and virus resistant and highly reflective polished steel cages. According to lab personnel, the guinea pigs were found in groups of three or four a day, drowned in the watering troughs they shared. At first, lab management states, they were confused. Further investigation using low-light cameras revealed that the animals were, in fact, voluntarily placing their heads in the trough and staying underwater, apparently only surviving if they passed out and fell over before brain death set in.

Several attempts to alter the water with mood suppressants had failed, and the facility was beginning to lose hope on solving this puzzle. Finally, in an act of mercy, one employee removed one of the suicidal animals, which is strictly against lab policy. Planning to give it a happy home in it’s final days, the nameless employee placed it in an unused fish tank. Providing it with a plastic bowl of water and some fresh hay daily, the employee was amazed to find that the guinea pig was dry and alert every morning, in contrast to the wet and stunned symptoms they had all displayed daily. Upon alerting facility staff to the find, experimentation started and quickly found the source of the lemming-like behavior.

“We were able to narrow the issue down to one of housing,” stated a lab PR agent. “In the facility’s case, we have water troughs with highly reflective surfaces on the bottom, which allow the rodents to gaze at their own reflection. They were failing to come up for air and had shown an alarming tendency towards self-destruction. Upon covering the trough bottoms with non-reflective surfaces, the remaining specimens lost all interest in death, and enjoyed their nice hay and snuggles.”

“We know now that playing God with Kayne West’s genetic material may have been too bold a step for us. There are powerful drives in his genes, chief amongst which is the desire to stare at one’s reflection to the point of ignoring all pain and disorientation.”

The research company has refused to issue comment on the proposed cross of a lobster with Lindsey Lohan to create a lifeform prone to voluntarily throwing itself into a pot of boiling water.

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