New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Mariah Carey Says She Is Pregnant With Michael Jackson’s Baby Thanks To Artificial Insemination

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TRIBECA, New York –

Mariah Carey has issued a shocking announcement this morning via her publicist Antoinette Peterson. “Mariah would like all of her fans and friends know that she is in fact pregnant after successfully being artificially inseminated by the sperm of the legendary Michael Jackson,” Peterson said in an email sent out to various media outlets.

In the years since Jackson’s death in June of 2009, there had been rumors and speculation amongst peers of the music industry that Jackson had routinely had his semen stored and frozen in a secret location. Just recently, his ex-wife Debbie Rowe stated in an interview that she, in fact, knew that Jackson had a dream of creating a ‘super group’ consisting of his unborn children with famous female singers.

“He would always talk about it, and commissioned a firm to collect and store his semen, so he could ‘hire’ his favorite female singers to be inseminated with it,” Rowe said.

It is believed that Carey was asked by Jackson in 2005 to be the mother of his child. Peterson said that Carey was paid a lofty sum by Jackson at an undisclosed time before his death to mother the child before the year 2017, as was agreed upon within the terms of the contract.

Rowe said that she believes there is a lot more of Jackson’s sperm available, and that now that the first mother-to-be has come to surface, that others should begin to come forward as well. “He wanted to re-create his own version of the Jackson 5, but he wanted them to be perfect and to have the right pedigree,” Rowe said. “It would not surprise me if Ms. Carey was signed on for more of these children, as Michael was a huge fan.”

Rumors speculate that other singers Jackson wanted to have father his children include Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and curiously, Janet Jackson.

DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Vladimir Kershov, publicist of R&B singer Bruno Mars, has been fired today after he revealed a shocking secret regarding the pop and R&B singer. Kershov leaked private information that revealed that Michael Jackson is Mars’ biological father.

In a statement emailed to news and media outlets across the world, Kershov revealed that he was told by the singer that DNA testing had proven that Jackson, known across the world as the King of Pop, was without a doubt his biological father. After pleading with Mars, born under the name Peter Hernandez, to go public with the revelation, Mars refused to do so. Kershov insisted that it be made known to the public, and that the news would catapult the singer’s fame and boost record sales. Mars remained adamant that the information not be released. According to Kershov, he then took it upon himself and emailed the shocking news to media sources all over the world.

“DNA testing has proven that Michael Jackson is the biological father of Bruno Mars,” Kershov said in the statement. “Against his wishes, I have decided to relay this message for the greater good and betterment of Bruno’s life and extravagant music career.”

In a statement released by Mars’ new publicist, Jacqueline Pryor, it has been announced that Kershov was immediately fired by the singer, and may seek legal action against his former publicist. “The job of a publicist is indeed to better the career of their clients by persuading them to take part in things that cause their popularity to grow, however, the client must trust their publicist. The artist has the final say, no matter what.”

When asked about the validity of Kershov’s statement, Pryor surprisingly made it clear that the information is accurate. “It is true. Doesn’t mean he was right in saying so, but it is true. When it comes to 29-year-old Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson is the father!”

Jay-Z May Have Cheated on Beyoncé With Oprah Winfrey, Says Sister Solange Knowles

Posted on August 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Last May the entertainment industry was rocked by Solange Knowles’ now infamous elevator attack on hip-hop icon Shawn Carter, known by fans by his stage name Jay Z. Knowles, the sister of tremendously popular and highly respected R&B singer and Carter’s spouse, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, was caught via security camera footage attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after-party.

Surveillance video footage showed Solange, also an R&B singer, yelling at Carter and wildly attacking him physically as she punched and kicked at him. The video made its way to public eye thanks to celebrity gossip website TMZ, and it immediately went viral. In the months since the incident, no reason has ever been clearly given on why Jay Z’s sister-in-law went to the extreme to attack him in front of Beyoncé and a security guard. This past weekend at the MTV Video Music Awards, Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy were seated in separate sections as Beyoncé performed at the event. Despite the family of three gathering on stage after an emotional performance by Beyoncé, the fact that Solange was seated so far away from the family raised speculation even more.

Yesterday Solange decided to come clean and tell the world why the incident occurred, and why she wants nothing to do with Jay-Z.

“He is a lying, no good, unfaithful playa, and I busted him. I know now that he had been sleeping with another woman; I had suspected it for a long time and then I finally began to notice that he and Oprah Winfrey had been spending a lot of time together. I didn’t think anything of it at first, she didn’t seem like his type and vice-versa. I had a friend-of-a-friend look into his comings and goings around the country, and found out the two were meeting secretly at various hotels in Chicago and Manhattan. They always got separate rooms, but that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s very fishy. I was shocked to find out that Shawn was cheating on my sister, such a beautiful, amazing woman. And with Oprah? Don’t get me wrong, she is an amazing woman, but her beauty faded long ago, don’t you think”

Solange says that she wishes that Beyoncé had never married Jay-Z, and she expected the worst right from the beginning.

“I have always had the highest amount of respect for Oprah, but never much for Shawn [Jay-Z]. I have slightly changed my mind about Oprah since discovering what my investigative work has unearthed. It made me feel sick inside and I just wanted to beat [Jay-Z] down after I found out. So when we were finally all together that night in the elevator, I confronted him, he called me a selfish, non-talented bitch. I just went crazy. It really hurt, it hurt badly.”

The allegations are sure to create quite a wild stir in the wild world of American entertainment and its publications. Attempts to contact the management of Oprah Winfrey, who is 60-years-old and one of the richest women in the world, went unacknowledged. However, a call to the office of Jay Z’s Roc-A-Fella Entertainment was replied to in a voice message from Carter himself, where he simply said, “I got 99 problems but Oprah ain’t one.” No further comment was given. Beyoncé has not spoken about her sisters allegations, except to say that Jay-Z definitely liked it, and the ring he put on it isn’t going anywhere.