Got A Terrible Song Stuck In Your Head? 5 Ways To Relieve A ‘Musical Hangover’

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Every once in a while, a song becomes so popular or is played so repeatedly, that you can’t turn around without hearing it, and once you do, it’s in your head for hours, days, or weeks. It’s the earworm at it’s finest (or its worst, really) and sometimes it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it. If you’re anything like me though, random songs will pop into your head even when you haven’t heard them lately, and then it drives you even more crazy. So crazy, that you’ll try anything to get it out of your head. Here’s some handy tips on how to relieve the musical agony.

1. SEEK OUT THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG, AND TWEET THEM ABOUT THEIR HORRIBLE MUSIC

This is always the first thing I do whenever I get song stuck in my head. Finding the singer on social media and letting them know that their abysmal, shitty song is taking up valuable space in your brain is a great way to beat the tune right out of you. You’re already angry that you can’t stop humming ‘Hello,’ so tell Adele exactly what you think of her terrible pop song. This is also a great way to get support from other people who read your tweet, and also hate having shitty songs stuck in their head.

2. LISTEN TO ANOTHER, MORE CATCHY, MORE TERRIBLE SONG

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’ll have a song stuck in my head that I haven’t heard for years. Let’s say it’s Hanson’s ‘Mmmbop.’ There are few things in life worse than that terrible, half-scat pop, but there are a few songs that, when sang out, and really loud, will easily make you forget about the tragedy stuck in your lobes. Try screaming WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?! or the jumbled lyrics to The Macarena while staring in the mirror. That first tune will be gone faster than you can say “one hit wonder.”

3. COMMIT SUICIDE

This one might be a heavy-handed way to go, but let’s look at this logically. Say you’re driving down the road, and you stop at a read light. The person next to you is blaring the radio, and you hear them screeching along to ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ by Rednex. There is no way possible to escape that pain and agony. Just reading the title right now, you’ve probably already looked around for the nearest rope or gas oven, longing for the days before you knew that song existed. There are those songs out there so bad, and such horrible earworms, that the only way out is by taking your own life. I’m sorry, it’s a harsh coarse, but I’m just being realistic.

4. KILL THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG

Unlike suicide, this option is a lot easier on your own life, in that it keeps you breathing. Much like example number one, this option really lets the artist who created that shitty song you can’t get out know exactly what you think of them. There are some drawbacks, such as not being able to live a life of freedom for very long, but there is also the notoriety level that comes along with the murder of a famous person. I mean hell, everyone knows who killed John Lennon, right? Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that you will be able to forget the song, but it does help in at least making sure whoever sang it never gets that opportunity again.

5. DO HEAVY DRUGS

This one really should have been number one, because when it comes down to it, nothing is going to make you feel as good, and relieve more tension, stress, and bad earworms, than doing copious amounts of great, hard drugs. Try to steer clear of cocaine or meth, as they will just make you want to get up and dance to the music in your head, whether you like it or not, and stick to the psychedelics. Mushrooms would be great, because you’ll start hearing the songs in your brain on a whole new level and hey, maybe they were never that bad to begin with.

Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

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“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

Teen Commits Suicide After Reading Fake News Story About Favorite Band Breaking Up

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CARLSON, Kansas – 

A 14-year-old teen has reportedly committed suicide after reading about his favorite band breaking up on a spoof entertainment news website. The teen, Mark Simpson, had reportedly read on News 14 Now! that the group, Imagine Dragons, would be breaking up following one final tour.

“We told him that the news wasn’t real, that it was definitely a hoax,” said Simpson’s mother, Tammy. “You could tell by the other articles on the website that the whole thing was fake, but Mark kept telling me how all his friends were sharing the article on Facebook, and they wouldn’t share it if it wasn’t true. He was depressed for a week; he wouldn’t even eat or leave his room.”

Mrs. Simpson says that both she and her husband tried to convince Mark to seek help from a psychiatrist, but he wouldn’t budge.

“We even went so far as to message the band directly on their social media pages, just so we could get them to say that they weren’t breaking up, and it was all a hoax,” said George Simpson, Mark’s father. “Unfortunately, by the time they responded, Mark had already died.”

Police were called by Mrs. Simpson after she found Mark dead in his room. He killed himself by turning the volume on his stereo up to the highest volume, and listening to the popular Imagine Dragons song ‘Radioactive’ on repeat with a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.

“The song was so loud, and the bass so heavy, that on repeated plays, it gave him an anuresym,” said Mrs. Simpson. “He left a note that just simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t take it.’ We are extremely upset, because in the end, Imagine Dragons is only okay at best, anyway.”

The band did not immediately respond to comment about the incident. Mrs. Simpson says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Facebook for allowing the fake content to be shared on its website.

Actress Stacy Dash of ‘Clueless’ Fame Accused of ‘Turning Against Race’

stacy dash

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Actress Stacey Dash’s recent controversial remarks have made many say she has “turned against her race.” Dash recently denounced BET network and Black History Month, saying these institutions segregate instead of integrate, and criticized double standards that benefit black people.

Rapper Bun B made remarks on his Instagram accusing Dash of hating her black skin and heritage. He says Dash is “as whack as those white kids who couldn’t spell nigga right in their school photo.”

African-Americans who were surveyed said BET and Black History month are here to stay. “We fought for double standards like affirmative action and the BET awards. They’ll pry take Black History Month from my cold dead hands,” said Bun B.

Others say, “Wasn’t that the actress from Clueless? How is what she has to say even relevant? And who the fuck is Bun B?”

Celine Dion To Start Cancer Foundation, Wants Your Money

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HALIFX, Nova Scotia, Canada – 

Within two days of each other last month, Celine Dion’s husband and brother died in battles with cancer. Throngs of fans were gathered outside of the funeral homes during each funeral, and security guards doubled as donation collectors passing around a hat so they could show their support. Dion says the money she has collected and future donations will go towards cancer research in Canada.

Dion reportedly came up with the idea while she was performing “My Heart Will Go On” as a tribute to her brother during a drunken karaoke session after he passed. “The song made me think of Titanic, which always makes me think of the boatload of money I made from that song. It also makes me think of how all our ships are going down in the long run, and I wanted to leave a legacy behind. Something my family could be proud of.”

The Daniel Dion Foundation will be based in Celine’s hometown of Charlemagne, Quebec. Dion says she hopes fans will redirect their fan mail there, and remember to include a check or money order.

“I had the choice between paying my rent, or sending Celine Dion a check, and I went with Dion,” said superfan Jamal Francis. “I have been in love with that woman’s voice since I could remember, and this is a good cause. I know she could give her own money, but my money is just as good.”

Subliminal Messages Found in Beatles Tracks on Spotify

spotify

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin – 

According to Illuminati watchdogs, Spotify didn’t just release the Beatles back-catalog to make some money, they did it to mess with your mind.

“A subliminal message can be overlain with music so it is inaudible to the conscious mind, but still has an effect on the subconscious,” said professor John Gold at Boston’s Harvard College. “The actual effectiveness of subliminal advertising is in question, but according to conspiracy theorists, that’s just what they want you to think. In fact it is very effective, used in advertisements and propaganda all the time.”

Burnt out old hippie Harry Brown warns, “As tempting as it is to tune in, don’t do it. Big brother just wants to keep you pacified. Think about it. Everyone likes the Beatles. Almost everyone has Spotify. If I was trying to control the population, that’s what I’d do. They just want everyone to be mindless little sheep. But hell no, man. Not me. That’s why I’m sticking with my vinyl, man. Face it, MP3 sound will never be as real. You gotta stay real no matter what you do.”

Spotify did not comment on the Beatles subliminal messaging, but it has been noted that subscriptions to the paid service have gone up substantially since the catalog was released on Christmas eve.

First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

black metal

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Justin Bieber Says He’s Retiring From Music, Wants To Focus On Writing Novel

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After storming off stage after only one song during his last concert, Justin Bieber has announced that he is retiring from music and performing to work on a novel he has been “tinkering with” for the last few years.

“I’ve been writing a historical fiction novel, set during World War II,” said Bieber in a recent interview. “It’s something I’m very passionate about. It’s a love story, a story of war and of peace, and it’s a story of traditional values and family, and I think it’s one that needs to be told.”

The pop singer, best known for making trash songs such as “Baby,” shocked fans when he announced his intentions of writing a book.

“I know there will be lots of people, especially young, naive girls, who think that I am giving up on them, but I’m not,” said Bieber. “Actually, what I’m doing is giving them a new creative avenue to explore. If you love my music, then you’ll love my novel.”

Bieber reportedly has a publishing deal worth over $1 million with Penguin/Random House Publishing. The book is due in late 2016.

New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Ryan Adams Forgets Who He Is, Performs Song By Bryan Adams

ryanadams

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Ryan Adams, a pop singer who has a few fans, apparently, kicked a man out of his concert in 2002 after the patron yelled out a request for the popular song Summer of ’69, made famous by Canadian Bryan Adams. Ryan, apparently having no sense of humor, asked for the man to be removed because he can’t handle any sort of reference to another musician named Adams.

Now, 13 years later, it seems that Ryan Adams has forgotten all about that incident, as at a concert in Nashville last week, Ryan went on to perform the hit made famous by Bryan, as he did actually perform a cover of the song Summer of ’69.

“I think he forgot who he was, or something,” said fan Mary Lambert. “All 14 fans who were at the show, we just got really confused, and for a minute, I thought I was at a Bryan Adams concert by accident. I really didn’t like what was happening.”

“It was bizarre. I knew I’d bought tickets to Ryan Adams, and I was already kicking myself for that as it was,” said Miranda Jones. “But then Ryan came out and he did that song about kinky foreplay, and I got so worried I was in the wrong place. Bryan…Ryan…it sounds the same, you know?”

According to Ryan Adams’ manager, Rick Jameson, he knew precisely what he was doing when Adams went out on stage.

“He didn’t forget who he was, I don’t think, anyway,” said Johnson. “I’m pretty sure that he just wanted to play a popular song and give something to the people that they might enjoy. God knows no one knows any Ryan Adams songs, anyway.”

Bryan Adams, who has been pushed into obscurity since the 90s, said that he was “flattered” that someone would cover his song.

“Now give me my damn royalty check,” said Bryan Adams.

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