Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

U.S. Filmmakers Arrested After Releasing ‘Extremely Obscene’ Horror Movie

film

NEW ENGLAND, United States – 

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.