First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

black metal


First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Causes Riots, $250k Damage


A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”


Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With His Ukulele

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With Ukulele

A punk musician in southern New England is being called a hero this morning, after he reportedly saved a young girl from a violent attack outside a concert venue in Providence, Rhode Island. The musician, who would not give his real name to police, but is known in the local scene as “Wolfman,” said that he was just doing what any other good samaritan would have done.

“I had just gotten off stage after playing my final song, Last Fellatio, and I had packed up my ukulele and was walking outside,” said Wolfman. “When I rounded the back of the building, I saw a girl struggling with a man. He hit across the face really hard, and she fell to the ground in tears.”

Wolfman says that he’s not normally a confrontational person, but that he was raised, like most good little punk rockers, not to hit or disrespect women.

“I walked over to the guy and told him to leave the girl alone,” said Wolfman. “He pulled out a knife, and he knocked my uke case out of my hand. The thing popped open, and I just saw red. The only thing worse than hitting a woman is to hit a man’s instruments. So I picked up my uke, and I proceeded to beat this guy in the face with it. I think the guy was really surprised, because when I hit him, his eyes bugged right out of his head, and he went down like a sack of bricks.”

Police were called by several punks who were there for the show and had gathered nearby, and the assailant was taken into custody.

“They considered taking me in, too, because I have all these buttons and this leather jacket and this crazy damn beard and all, and I basically look like a crusty ol’ fucking hooligan. Thankfully, the girl that I saved was the police chief’s daughter, and she told them what happened, so I wasn’t brought up on assault charges.”

“Man, I saw the whole thing, and that Wolfman, he’s one crazy dude,” said Gil ‘Garbageface’ Jones, lead singer of headlining act The Suck Ficks. “I travelled all over with my band back in the 80s, and this was the most hardcore thing I’ve seen happen at a show in years. Dudes used to get loaded and do coke straight off the necks of their guitars and smash bottles in their eye sockets, but I ain’t never seen a mother get beaten down with a uke before. Crazy shit, yo. Crazy shit.”

“We are so proud to have this punk named Wolfman as part of our community,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith, speaking to reporters while wearing a leather jacket and ripped jeans. “I am so thankful that he saved my beautiful daughter from harm. He is a hero, and should be a welcome part of this, or any, city. Punk’s not dead!”


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