Boy Finds Rare Stone In Backyard; Estimated To Be Worth $10M

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ASTONIA, California –

A boy who was playing in his sandbox in the backyard of the family home has just made a discovery of a lifetime. Alan Rodriguez, 5, was digging through the sand when he happened upon one of the world’s rarest gems, a small piece of Tornimite. The stone is estimated by geologists to be worth well over $10 million dollars.

“Tornimite is one of the most rare, and most collected stones on earth,” said geologist Mike Hardin. “Think of it this way – diamonds are precious, but not at all rare, yet sell for hundreds or even thousands. Tornimite is approximately 10,000 times more rare than a diamond. It’s what a diamond would buy if if was out shopping for an engagement ring.”

The stone, which measures little more than a 1/3 of an inch across, was almost initially discarded by the Rodriguez family, but on a whim Maria Rodriguez, Alan’s mother, looked it up on Google.

“I was astounded! It couldn’t be Tornomite, could it?” Maria said she had never previously heard of the stone, but that her research led her to believe that it was, indeed, an extremely rare find.

The Rodriguez family have entrusted the stone to a local bank, or have it stored away in their vault. An auction for the stone is being set up for December; experts say it could fetch as high as $15 million in an auction setting.

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With His Ukulele

Posted on January 21, 2015 by skullman

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

A punk musician in southern New England is being called a hero this morning, after he reportedly saved a young girl from a violent attack outside a concert venue in Providence, Rhode Island. The musician, who would not give his real name to police, but is known in the local scene as “Wolfman,” said that he was just doing what any other good samaritan would have done.

“I had just gotten off stage after playing my final song, Last Fellatio, and I had packed up my ukulele and was walking outside,” said Wolfman. “When I rounded the back of the building, I saw a girl struggling with a man. He hit across the face really hard, and she fell to the ground in tears.”

Wolfman says that he’s not normally a confrontational person, but that he was raised, like most good little punk rockers, not to hit or disrespect women.

“I walked over to the guy and told him to leave the girl alone,” said Wolfman. “He pulled out a knife, and he knocked my uke case out of my hand. The thing popped open, and I just saw red. The only thing worse than hitting a woman is to hit a man’s instruments. So I picked up my uke, and I proceeded to beat this guy in the face with it. I think the guy was really surprised, because when I hit him, his eyes bugged right out of his head, and he went down like a sack of bricks.”

Police were called by several punks who were there for the show and had gathered nearby, and the assailant was taken into custody.

“They considered taking me in, too, because I have all these buttons and this leather jacket and this crazy damn beard and all, and I basically look like a crusty ol’ fucking hooligan. Thankfully, the girl that I saved was the police chief’s daughter, and she told them what happened, so I wasn’t brought up on assault charges.”

“Man, I saw the whole thing, and that Wolfman, he’s one crazy dude,” said Gil ‘Garbageface’ Jones, lead singer of headlining act The Suck Ficks. “I travelled all over with my band back in the 80s, and this was the most hardcore thing I’ve seen happen at a show in years. Dudes used to get loaded and do coke straight off the necks of their guitars and smash bottles in their eye sockets, but I ain’t never seen a mother get beaten down with a uke before. Crazy shit, yo. Crazy shit.”

“We are so proud to have this punk named Wolfman as part of our community,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith, speaking to reporters while wearing a leather jacket and ripped jeans. “I am so thankful that he saved my beautiful daughter from harm. He is a hero, and should be a welcome part of this, or any, city. Punk’s not dead!”

Jay-Z Collaborates With Avenged Sevenfold Guitarist, Ex-Slipknot Drummer On New Metal Project

Posted on July 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

He has sold over 75 million records, won 17 Grammy Awards, he is a certified agent in Major League Baseball and the National Football League, operates Roc Nation Music Group, owns a clothing line and is married to the one and only Beyonce. His net-worth is believed to be somewhere in the $500 million dollar range. So what exactly can Jay-Z do that he has never done? Whatever he wants.

Sunday afternoon in a brief press release by his newly acquired publicist, Shannon Pryor, it was announced that Jay-Z has been collaborating with rockers such as guitarist Synyster Gates (Avenged Sevenfold) and drummer Joey Jordison (ex-Slipknot, Scar The Martyr, Murderdolls) and the trio will release an album in early 2015.

During Friday’s briefing in Manhattan, Pryor announced that Jay-Z was extremely excited about the project and described the upcoming album by saying “Extreme metal with an aggressive flow”. The album, not yet titled, will also feature various rockers such as Deftones vocalist Chino Moreno, Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan, and…wait for it… the one and only Ozzy Osbourne. The album will be produced by iconic music producer Rick Rubin who has worked with Jay-Z in the past on several occasions, while also producing ground-breaking efforts by the Beastie Boys, Slayer, Johnny Cash, Slipknot, Eminem, and even Adele.

“Rap and metal have been done, meshed into super-sonic artistry of mixed hardcore musical cultures, but never quite like this.” Pryor said. “Just because he is one of the greatest rappers of all time does not necessarily mean he will be rapping on the album. We believe that fans will be pleasantly shocked upon the albums release, until then, material previously written and recorded, will be tightly kept under wraps. It is an exciting venture and Jay-Z and Roc Nation cannot wait for the albums groundbreaking release in early 2015.”

Fans have taken to the internet by storm, Tweeting and posting about this intriguing mashup. A game changing hip-hop artist working with heavy metal icons on a not-necessarily-generic-rap-metal effort. One thing we do know, is when Jay-Z does something, he does it big. Love him or hate him, the man has power and major influence in today’s modern American and International music culture. Even if the people do not love the music and strange new vocal approach by Jay-Z, one thing is certain, and that is the project will sell, and it will sell big. Seemingly a win/win situation for all involved.

So far, everyone involved has been tight-lipped on a release date, but inside sources are saying the album could be released as soon as October.