Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With His Ukulele

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With Ukulele

A punk musician in southern New England is being called a hero this morning, after he reportedly saved a young girl from a violent attack outside a concert venue in Providence, Rhode Island. The musician, who would not give his real name to police, but is known in the local scene as “Wolfman,” said that he was just doing what any other good samaritan would have done.

“I had just gotten off stage after playing my final song, Last Fellatio, and I had packed up my ukulele and was walking outside,” said Wolfman. “When I rounded the back of the building, I saw a girl struggling with a man. He hit across the face really hard, and she fell to the ground in tears.”

Wolfman says that he’s not normally a confrontational person, but that he was raised, like most good little punk rockers, not to hit or disrespect women.

“I walked over to the guy and told him to leave the girl alone,” said Wolfman. “He pulled out a knife, and he knocked my uke case out of my hand. The thing popped open, and I just saw red. The only thing worse than hitting a woman is to hit a man’s instruments. So I picked up my uke, and I proceeded to beat this guy in the face with it. I think the guy was really surprised, because when I hit him, his eyes bugged right out of his head, and he went down like a sack of bricks.”

Police were called by several punks who were there for the show and had gathered nearby, and the assailant was taken into custody.

“They considered taking me in, too, because I have all these buttons and this leather jacket and this crazy damn beard and all, and I basically look like a crusty ol’ fucking hooligan. Thankfully, the girl that I saved was the police chief’s daughter, and she told them what happened, so I wasn’t brought up on assault charges.”

“Man, I saw the whole thing, and that Wolfman, he’s one crazy dude,” said Gil ‘Garbageface’ Jones, lead singer of headlining act The Suck Ficks. “I travelled all over with my band back in the 80s, and this was the most hardcore thing I’ve seen happen at a show in years. Dudes used to get loaded and do coke straight off the necks of their guitars and smash bottles in their eye sockets, but I ain’t never seen a mother get beaten down with a uke before. Crazy shit, yo. Crazy shit.”

“We are so proud to have this punk named Wolfman as part of our community,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith, speaking to reporters while wearing a leather jacket and ripped jeans. “I am so thankful that he saved my beautiful daughter from harm. He is a hero, and should be a welcome part of this, or any, city. Punk’s not dead!”


Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island – Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

Play-Doh is preparing to send thousands of customers replacement “extruder tools” after an onslaught of customer complaints. According to their Facebook page, future sets will include a different tool, although the company did not specifically say what is wrong with the current design.

Many parents are outraged that the Play-Doh Cake Mountain play set was even released, including Cliff Jorgenson of Ogunquit, Maine who says, “You think somewhere along the line, someone would say, this looks a little too much like a huge veiny cock. Let’s find a better design. It isn’t just phallic, it’s a cock.”

Although many were disturbed or amused, at least one family had a much more traumatic experience. A parent, who would like to remain anonymous, said that their daughter was ‘so shaken’ on Christmas morning when she opened her play set and pulled the tool out of the box.

“My daughter loves to bake. We thought she would be so excited when she opened her Play-Doh set on Christmas morning, but she immediately started wailing and became inconsolable. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, and we didn’t see the play set pieces at first” said the mother, whose daughter is 7. “Later we found the frosting tool in the trash, and my husband and I were shocked at the resemblance. It looked just like a giant wang. When we asked our daughter about it, she became hysterical again, and we knew something was wrong. A child psychiatrist eventually got her to describe a previous molestation episode, and the shape and orientation of the toy gave her PTSD flashbacks.”

Other details about the case are being kept confidential, as police investigate the alleged assault.

The girl’s father says they are not planning to sue. “It’s not [Play-Doh’s] fault people necessarily. People are sick. I do wish that they’d put a little bit of thought into the design of their product before releasing it though. We’re just happy that we found out when we did, because I also was able to quickly throw out our VHS copy of The Little Mermaid and hide her Mr. Bucket game, because his balls pop out of his mouth. Now on to kill the bastard who hurt my little girl!”

Woman Murdered After Sending Repeated FarmVille Invitations Via Facebook

CRANTSTON, Rhode Island – Woman Murdered After Sending Repeated FarmVille Invitations Via Facebook

Maria Boyland, Age 48, was found dead in her home early this past Monday morning. A local to Cranston, Rhode Island, Boyland lived there her entire life, but neighbors claim she didn’t have many friends.

Boyland was found when a mailman happened to look through the window of her home as he delivered mail, and noticed she was lying on the floor covered with blood. Police arrived on the scene and discovered her body had been stabbed over 18 times, with most of the knife wounds to the stomach and back.

As Boyland was not know to leave her apartment often, and had few contacts outside her family, the trail to find the killer was almost immediately cold, until police were able to get onto Boyland’s Facebook page and review her notifications and messages. As is common with most people her age, police noticed that she mainly had notifications for playing Facebook games, namely Candy Crush, Farmville, and Bejeweled.

When officers reviewed her messages, the case almost began to solve itself. A message was sent to Boyland three days before her murder from a man who lived approximately 14 hours away from in Virginia. The messages were extremely violent and disturbing in nature, including the one that said “Send me one more game invite to FarmVille and I’ll stab you 18 times, b—-!”

Apparently, Boyland didn’t take the warning seriously, and police assume that either Boyland purposely sent, or Farmville automatically sent, the man another game request. His final message simply said “Now you’ve done it.”

After trying to reach the suspect via internet and coming up short, police eventually called a local Sheriff’s Office in his area and had the man arrested. When asked why he drove 14 hours to kill Boyland he responded “I warned her, and having her blow up my Facebook with game invites was annoying.” When told he could have simply blocked the game invites, the anonymous man simply said “Oh. Yeah, I suppose that would have worked, too.”

The arresting officer, patrolman Joe Goldsmith, said that this is the kind of case he never thought he would see in his career.

“I can understand how annoying it is when people send game requests, being a Facebook user myself. But, I urge anyone that gets annoyed by stupid game invites and requests that you simply un-friend the person sending them, because it is a lot easier, faster, and much less illegal than murder.”


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