‘Lip Synch Battle’ Show Proves People Will Watch Anything, Regardless of Entertainment Value

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Lip Synch Battle, the new series on SpikeTV that pits two celebs against each other in a lip synch competition has been heating up in the ratings, as each week two new megastars pretend to have talent to the cheers of a live audience.

“We knew when Jimmy Fallon started doing this bit on his show and the clips were going viral that we could base a whole series around it,” said SpikeTV CEO Ross Doucheman. “Now, each week we get new celebs who may or may not be talented in their own field to come out and pretend to have musical dance and singing talent. It’s really a stupid idea, but hey, people are watching it.”

Doucheman says that the ratings for the series have skyrocketed since the first episode, which featured Fallon facing off against action star Dwayne Johnson.

“Basically, we got two people out on stage who are mediocre at what they do, and they pretended to be great at singing. It was a good show,” said Doucheman. “Now, we’re doing it every single week, and all sorts of people are watching. Really, I think we could film celebs taking a shit for 30 minutes and air that, and people would watch. It doesn’t even matter anymore, we’re definitely not ‘trying’ or anything. But, either way, I’m still rolling around in a brand new Tesla 300, so keep watching, people!”

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It’s To A Human

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.

Madonna Exposes Deviant Sex Acts No One Wants to Know Any More

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Madonna has once again exposed details of her deviant sexual acts, this time with no prompting or interest from the general public. The powerful superstar has released lude details of her private life over the course of her incredibly long career, usually to great excitement from Christian men in particular. This time, critics are saying she’s too old to be anything but repulsive to most sexually active persons.

“Madonna still retains her high level of significance,” said Bishop John Kemp. “But these sex books and tapes and interviews she keeps doing – well, they’re getting a bit much. The first time she did it was exciting. The first ever woman to be impregnated by God. Now it’s gotten old, along with her wrinkled skin and decomposing nose.”

The latest revelations were released in a detailed interview with Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower publication. They described her and God doing it in a number of never before seen ways – positions and actions that are impossible for most mortal beings.

“Her loyalty to the deity is remarkable,” said theologian Mark Walters. “Over the past two millennia, she’s remained the Virgin Mary, keeping all her sexual activity on a higher plane. It’s an inspiration to us all in this time of free love and rampant divorce. However, in my experience Christian leaders do not take well to hearing about the sexual deviance of their God.”

And the response from priests and ministers around the world has proved his sentiments to not be unfounded.

“I’m quickly losing respect for Mother Mary,” said one cardinal of the Catholic Church. “She’s our martyr and, although her initial encounters with the Lord Above gave us inspiration and hope, now she’s just undermining his name. I don’t want to know that he likes to create a vagina for himself out of nothing and let her stick her hand inside. No one needs to know that information.”

The deity however stood up for his long term lover, stating that His virility should be something that mortals can aspire to, and that the Virgin Mary should be acknowledged for her sexual prowess.

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

Posted on February 19, 2015 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

After losing Best Album at this year’s Grammy’s, Beyoncé has announced she intends to quit music.

As stated to EntertainUs News, “Everyone is gonna think it’s because that honkey Beck stole my Grammy. I couldn’t care less. I’ve been planning to leave music for a while now. I had really wanted to end my career on a high note, and when I won the award I planned to make the announcement, but I guess my album just wasn’t good enough.”

When asked if she appreciated Kanye’s show of support, her answer was surprising. “That whole bunch is two-faced. After the show, Kim [Kardashian] gave me a nasty look and told me to stay away from her man. Like I wanted that fool to jump onstage on my behalf?! I think she’s threatened because my booty is all natural. Enough with the drama, though. I don’t need Kanye defending me at every turn anymore. It’s time to just back away. Between Kanye West, the Illuminati rumors, and all the memes of my face looking like Tina Turner on crack, it’s time to just take a break. A permanent break.”

What’s next for the star? “Jay wants me to be home more, bake apple pies, that kinda thing. I hate to disappoint my fans, but I’m looking forward to some long overdue rest and relaxation, with my face out of the tabloids. Maybe in a few years I’ll see what Mike Myers is up to, and we can have a go at another Austin Powers movie or something.”

D’Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

CINCINNATI, Ohio –

In the midst of his world tour to promote his newest album, Black Messiah, performer D’Angelo has faced a surprising backlash from some fans. During his tour, the singer/songwriter has worn mesh tops, social-political messages scrawled across t-shirts, and ruffled tops. But the on thing he has not done is gone shirtless, and this has seemed to upset some of his most loyal fans.

“I didn’t come to a show for music alone,” Says Raykeesha Johnson of Cincinnati, Ohio. “I’ve been waiting a long time for D’Angelo to come back around. I was fixen to throw my unmentionables the moment he took his shirt off. But he went the whole show with a top on!”

D’Angelo made waves with his music video “Untitled (How Does it Feel)” off his album Voodoo in 2000. The video had D’Angelo standing naked with an all-black background, singing his song. The video was an unbridled success, but came with a price. From that point on, D’Angelo felt he was an object of desire, and his music came second.

“My songs started being drown out by women screaming for me to take my clothes off. After a while I started to just stand on stage with no shirt just to get it out of the way. That didn’t help either. They always wanted more.”

The artist then went into hiding for over a decade after Voodoo, working on producing music for others rather than make his own. In late 2014, D’Angelo reemerged and released Black Messiah. The album has been a successful return to form for the artist, but the struggles on stage have returned just as quickly.

“I just want some of that gorgeous man,” said enthused fan, Regina Hamilton. “I became a woman to Voodoo. And now I’m ready to get my groove back with Black Messiah, child. I can’t have him wearing no shirts on stage. I paid good money to see that man’s body. If I don’t get it, I’m going to sue the hell out of his entertainment company, producer, booker – anyone I can until I see that him without his clothes.”

“I was hoping a little weight gain and time would have removed their interest,” said D’Angelo. Who has already had to stop three shows short due to fan interruptions. One show included a shower of boos and jeers until he took his shirt and scarf. “But ticket sales are down because fans are warning I’m not performing shirtless. I guess there’s just no running from it. We’re looking to change some of the dynamics of the show to fit fans’ needs.”

The dynamics D’Angelo mentioned include a two-story picture of him standing naked, as well as a hologram that will strip on stage during his shows. There is also an industrial size vacuum being used to collect undergarments thrown on stage by fans.

Mariah Carey Says She Is Pregnant With Michael Jackson’s Baby Thanks To Artificial Insemination

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TRIBECA, New York –

Mariah Carey has issued a shocking announcement this morning via her publicist Antoinette Peterson. “Mariah would like all of her fans and friends know that she is in fact pregnant after successfully being artificially inseminated by the sperm of the legendary Michael Jackson,” Peterson said in an email sent out to various media outlets.

In the years since Jackson’s death in June of 2009, there had been rumors and speculation amongst peers of the music industry that Jackson had routinely had his semen stored and frozen in a secret location. Just recently, his ex-wife Debbie Rowe stated in an interview that she, in fact, knew that Jackson had a dream of creating a ‘super group’ consisting of his unborn children with famous female singers.

“He would always talk about it, and commissioned a firm to collect and store his semen, so he could ‘hire’ his favorite female singers to be inseminated with it,” Rowe said.

It is believed that Carey was asked by Jackson in 2005 to be the mother of his child. Peterson said that Carey was paid a lofty sum by Jackson at an undisclosed time before his death to mother the child before the year 2017, as was agreed upon within the terms of the contract.

Rowe said that she believes there is a lot more of Jackson’s sperm available, and that now that the first mother-to-be has come to surface, that others should begin to come forward as well. “He wanted to re-create his own version of the Jackson 5, but he wanted them to be perfect and to have the right pedigree,” Rowe said. “It would not surprise me if Ms. Carey was signed on for more of these children, as Michael was a huge fan.”

Rumors speculate that other singers Jackson wanted to have father his children include Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and curiously, Janet Jackson.

Lady Gaga Announces Retirement From Music, Plans To Join Religious Commune

Posted on February 11, 2015 by katy_rev

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lady Gaga announced this morning that she has plans to completely quit musical career, and focus on a career that is “more in line” with who she says she really is as a person.

“I have recently experienced a massive spiritual awakening, and the time has come for me to give up this industry, and focus on myself for awhile,” said Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. “I have decided that I am going to leave music so that I may join a religious group.”

According to reporters, the community Gaga has chosen is called Children of The Rising Suns. The Children live on a small island in the Pacific Ocean. A millionaire named Robert Smith bought the island three years ago.

“I saw the sunbeams, I saw them everywhere, I understood there are thousands of suns in the galaxy, and all of them are gods. After this realization all my life has changed,” said Smith. Doctors suspected the sunbeams Smith saw actually indicated a severe form of brain damage. Despite of his family’s efforts though, Smith refused hospitalization and medical examinations. Instead, he spent a great part of his fortune to purchase the island and build a religious commune, one he seeks to fill with as many people as possible.

Gaga confessed that, after reading an article about the community, she felt that was the path she had to follow. “I know this is what I need to do. I am the daughter of the Sun. I don’t want a career anymore, no more pop shows, fake people, lights and latex. I will not stop singing, but from now on, each sound that comes out of me will be devoted to the Gods of Light. There is a chorus in the commune, the Sunny Chorus, and I will sing along with them.”

Desperate fans wrote a petition asking Gaga to play a farewell concert before she leaves. The petition, which can be signed on www.onemoretimeale-alejandro.com, has already been supported by 2 million fans. Gaga has made no comment about a final performance before joining The Children.

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby’s Hair Growth

Posted on February 11, 2015 by katy_rev

STANFORD, California –

A group of prominent geneticists and musicologists from Stanford University recently released the results of a research project entitiled Prenatal Music Exposure. Scientists checked how different music genres affect the pregnancy, and what is their influence on baby’s growth after birth. Some of the results were shocking.

A small group of the researchers focused specifically on rock and metal music, wherein they asked 100 women to exclusively listen to nothing but Pantera, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. Each day they were required to spend at least 2 hours exposed to the music. Scientists monitored the babies from their time in utero until the time they were 5-years-old, in order to see how the children would grow based on music.

“There were some experiments done in the past that proved music affects brain’s development, but nobody ever noticed such an obvious, physical evidence,” says Dr. Karen Ash from Stanford University. “We noted increased hair growth among children whose mothers listened to heavy metal during pregnancy. Compering to children who were exposed to other genres, the Metal Kids, as we called them, grew their head hair twice as fast. While an average hair of a non-metal child grew approximately one quarter inch monthly, a metal kid’s hair became up to half an inch longer. Several of the children, who are now 5, have hair past their knees.”

Scientists assume it is an example of genetic adaptation. The children grew long hair so they could effectively headbang to the rhythm of heavy metal.

“My daughter has long, black hair and she constantly refuses to have it tied. When she hears metal, she immediately starts moving her head rhythmically, back and forward, just like those guys during concerts,” says Mary Curtis, one of the mothers who participated in the experiment. “It’s kind of cute, but to be honest, I’ve been listening to nothing but heavy metal for almost 6 years now. She won’t let me listen to anything else. It’s really getting to be tiring.”

Scientists are not sure whether all genres can influence the human body in such apparent ways, or if it is restricted to just metal. They are also checking punk music, classical, rap, and opera. The rap babies are the only ones showing any signs of real change in any sort of physical behavior, as they all constantly pull their diaper down below their waste, letting the diaper hang low. Researchers are not sure if this was caused by the music, or just happenstance.

Shock-Rocker Marilyn Manson Reveals He Was Adopted, Says Nicolas Cage Is Biological Brother

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During a shockingly candid fact-filled interview on WEMP-FM radio in Smithdale, Caifornia, 46-year-old shock-rock superstar and part-time actor Marilyn Manson, aka Brian Hugh Warner, revealed to host Metal Mike Monroe that he was adopted at the age of two from August and Joy Coppola, who are the parents of actor Nicolas Cage (born Nicolas Coppola) also making him the nephew of legendary movie director Francis Ford Coppola.

Manson shared personal and intimate details behind the adoption.

“There was just too much talent in the family. August Ford Coppola, my biological father, was a professor of literature, and my biological mother, Joy, was a highly regarded and respected dancer and choreographer. Nick was five years older than me, and already was showing the ability and talent of a gifted actor by the time I was born,” Manson explained.

Nicolas Cage changed his last name from Coppola to Cage at an early age to avoid the appearance of nepotism, being that his uncle Francis Ford Coppola was already a legend in the Hollywood circuit.

Manson said that he became an uncontrollably evil, girl-crazed hellion when he was in his terrible-twos, and the Coppolas simply could not contain his wild streak.

“The day I turned two-years-old, my parents threw a party for me and I had got into the fridge and got one of August’s beers, and before anyone noticed, I drank the whole thing, then ran around the house ripping the diapers off of all the other toddlers at the party. All the other the parents watched the scene in shocked horror,” Manson stated. “So eventually I was adopted by the Warner family, and kept away from society most of my childhood due to my inappropriate youthful behavior – which I never grew out of by the way.”