Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

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Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Good news for concerned parents, and great news for fans of certain types of entertainment. The rate of school shootings are reportedly decreasing across the country, while sales of all forms of metal music, as well as violent video games, continue to rise. The data presents the most damning evidence to date that aggressive music and gameplay don’t have a thing to do with violence among youth.

“We noticed the greater intervals between tragic shootings, and decided to look for data which might correlate,” said head researcher Karen Heilbrun. “Of course, we checked video game sales and metal album charting first – what emerged is the report we’ve presented, and I believe it confirms what many teens already knew, and their parents couldn’t be bothered to listen about – violent forms of entertainment don’t harm anyone.”

The music and virtual gaming industries have quickly embraced the findings, releasing press statements and marketing campaigns promoting how ‘extra violent’ or ‘extra loud’ they may be.

“I’m kind of disappointed to find out that none of those school shootings they blamed me for had anything to do with me,” said shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. “I mean, I certainly didn’t set out to cause anyone any harm, I’m just a performer. But once you start hearing something enough, you get to believing it. Turns out that music has nothing to do with kids killing other kids.”

While authorities are gathering to discuss what steps – if any – to take in response to the report, steadfast fans of the affected genres have vowed to remain loyal.

“We will stand for the cause of heavy metal until the end,” shouted Garth Sality, leader of fan group Heavy Metal Loves Us on Facebook. “Even if we have to die for it! Metal and video games go together like peas and carrots, and it has never been more apparent that those things are just entertainment, and nothing more.”

Members of the National Rifle Association have been especially vocal in their anger at these findings.

“Guns don’t kill people, heavy metal kills people!” said modern-day Moses, Christian Bale. “These findings will only make it more difficult for people to buy guns. With heavy metal and video games as scapegoats for gun crimes, there was someone to blame. Now they’ll go back to blaming the guns themselves. My God, they’ll probably even start blaming the person doing the shooting!”

Online Comments Spark Feud Between Sam Smith, Pantera

Online Comments Spar Feud Between Sam Smith, Pantera

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Comments written by fans on YouTube have stirred up an unlikely feud between singer-songwriter Sam Smith and heavy metal band Pantera. The conflict started when commenter biebersuckscock wrote in the comments of Stay With Me, “all u ppl who lik dis shit dont no wat reel music is pantera kills sam smith!!!1”

Smith fan manginamonologue responded on Pantera’s classic Revolution is my Name, “Do you term this racket music? I call it unidentifiable, expletive-laden filth, that holds no status among momentous artists of Sam’s ilk.”

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Fans of both artists then entered unrelentingly into the online furor, eventually leading to Sam Smith himself speaking out.

“Pantera can suck my dick!” shouted Smith, under layers of black make-up at a recent concert. “Who gives a f*** about them anymore? They’s nobodies. All hail the devil of the music underground, Sam Smith!”

Pantera uploaded a video in response, including all three remaining members of the now defunct band standing solemnly with their arms around each other.

“We’re all quite devastated with Sam’s unfair attack on us,” drummer Vinnie Paul says in the understated recording. “We’ve all been fans of his since he was still an amateur singing on YouTube, and we’ve even been experimenting as a Sam Smith cover band – we need to make money somehow.”

Lead vocalist Phil Anselmo then states, “All we want is an apology. This fighting has hurt us to the core, and we are sure it is just a misunderstanding. We know that Sammy is mature enough to acknowledge the unintended pain caused by his actions, and we can all put this behind us.”

Smith has been quoted, unofficially, as saying, “Oh my God, they’re such pussies. ‘Ooooh, we’re so sad, he hurt our feeeelings.’ They must just wash the sand out of their vaginas and go back to jacking each other off in parking lots.”

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby’s Hair Growth

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby's Hair Growth

 

STANFORD, California –

A group of prominent geneticists and musicologists from Stanford University recently released the results of a research project entitiled Prenatal Music Exposure. Scientists checked how different music genres affect the pregnancy, and what is their influence on baby’s growth after birth. Some of the results were shocking.

A small group of the researchers focused specifically on rock and metal music, wherein they asked 100 women to exclusively listen to nothing but Pantera, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. Each day they were required to spend at least 2 hours exposed to the music. Scientists monitored the babies from their time in utero until the time they were 5-years-old, in order to see how the children would grow based on music.

“There were some experiments done in the past that proved music affects brain’s development, but nobody ever noticed such an obvious, physical evidence,” says Dr. Karen Ash from Stanford University. “We noted increased hair growth among children whose mothers listened to heavy metal during pregnancy. Compering to children who were exposed to other genres, the Metal Kids, as we called them, grew their head hair twice as fast. While an average hair of a non-metal child grew approximately one quarter inch monthly, a metal kid’s hair became up to half an inch longer. Several of the children, who are now 5, have hair past their knees.”

Scientists assume it is an example of genetic adaptation. The children grew long hair so they could effectively headbang to the rhythm of heavy metal.

“My daughter has long, black hair and she constantly refuses to have it tied. When she hears metal, she immediately starts moving her head rhythmically, back and forward, just like those guys during concerts,” says Mary Curtis, one of the mothers who participated in the experiment. “It’s kind of cute, but to be honest, I’ve been listening to nothing but heavy metal for almost 6 years now. She won’t let me listen to anything else. It’s really getting to be tiring.”

Scientists are not sure whether all genres can influence the human body in such apparent ways, or if it is restricted to just metal. They are also checking punk music, classical, rap, and opera. The rap babies are the only ones showing any signs of real change in any sort of physical behavior, as they all constantly pull their diaper down below their waste, letting the diaper hang low. Researchers are not sure if this was caused by the music, or just happenstance.

 

Creed Vocalist Scott Stapp Confesses Recent Crazy Acts All An Elaborate Publicity Stunt To Promote New Band

TAMPA BAY, Florida – Creed Vocalist Scott Stapp Confesses Recent Crazy Acts All An 'Elaborate Hoax', Publicity Stunt For New Band

Just when you thought his conduct could not get any more bizarre, former Creed vocalist Scott Stapp, who has been in the news the last several weeks for what was believed to be the result of mental illness and/or massive drug and alcohol abuse, has confessed to his antics all being an elaborate hoax.

Today in a press conference in a downtown Tampa Holiday Inn, the singer announced that the crazy series of events were all made up to promote the debut of his new band, The Pig Head Conspiracy.

“I’m here to announce to you today that all the terrible news about me, my family, and my financial ruin was all a huge lie. Somehow we were convinced it would help put my name out there again, and would lead to a spike in album sales once my new band released our album,” said Stapp.  “I really just assumed that people had forgotten about me, and that this would bring me back into the spotlight. Nobody has bought a Creed album since 1999.”

“That dude sounds crazy as shit,” said Mark Calloway, a 14-year-old ‘metal head’ from Fresno, California. “I mean, I saw his name trending on Facebook, and that’s where I get all my news, so I was looking him up on Wikipedia. I had no idea who Creed was, so I gave them a listen on Spotify. Turns out they suck, so I guess this dude probably did the right thing trying to make himself look like a psycho to sell his new band. It actually makes me want to download his new CD when it comes out. I mean, like, not pay for it, but download it, you know?”

“We fired our promotions manager yesterday,” said band member Aaron Silver. “I’m sorry that we made it seem like Scott had a mental illness or whatever just to promote a band. I mean, he’s definitely off a bit, but he’s not that crazy. Not really. Well, I mean, sort of. But does it matter? He was famous in the 90s, so even if he was completely out of his goddamned mind, the public would forgive him. We always forgive second-rate celebrities, right? I mean shit, Vince Neil killed a guy, and we all still love Motley Crue!”

According to Stapp, the new band, named The Pig Head Conspiracy, is a metal band with its primary theme being politics, unmonitored corruption of the government by way of Satan, and the greed of the Catholic church – a far cry from his former band Creed, which was very pro-biblical.

“The new self-titled album comes out in February, and a national tour is currently being constructed,” said Stapp. “At least a small stint of the tour will be in support of Slipknot. It’s going to be really fun.”

 

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