WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Good news for concerned parents, and great news for fans of certain types of entertainment. The rate of school shootings are reportedly decreasing across the country, while sales of all forms of metal music, as well as violent video games, continue to rise. The data presents the most damning evidence to date that aggressive music and gameplay don’t have a thing to do with violence among youth.
“We noticed the greater intervals between tragic shootings, and decided to look for data which might correlate,” said head researcher Karen Heilbrun. “Of course, we checked video game sales and metal album charting first – what emerged is the report we’ve presented, and I believe it confirms what many teens already knew, and their parents couldn’t be bothered to listen about – violent forms of entertainment don’t harm anyone.”
The music and virtual gaming industries have quickly embraced the findings, releasing press statements and marketing campaigns promoting how ‘extra violent’ or ‘extra loud’ they may be.
“I’m kind of disappointed to find out that none of those school shootings they blamed me for had anything to do with me,” said shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. “I mean, I certainly didn’t set out to cause anyone any harm, I’m just a performer. But once you start hearing something enough, you get to believing it. Turns out that music has nothing to do with kids killing other kids.”
While authorities are gathering to discuss what steps – if any – to take in response to the report, steadfast fans of the affected genres have vowed to remain loyal.
“We will stand for the cause of heavy metal until the end,” shouted Garth Sality, leader of fan group Heavy Metal Loves Us on Facebook. “Even if we have to die for it! Metal and video games go together like peas and carrots, and it has never been more apparent that those things are just entertainment, and nothing more.”
Members of the National Rifle Association have been especially vocal in their anger at these findings.
“Guns don’t kill people, heavy metal kills people!” said modern-day Moses, Christian Bale. “These findings will only make it more difficult for people to buy guns. With heavy metal and video games as scapegoats for gun crimes, there was someone to blame. Now they’ll go back to blaming the guns themselves. My God, they’ll probably even start blaming the person doing the shooting!”