J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

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J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

LONDON, England – 

J.K. Rowling informed her fans she was working on the 8th part of ‘Harry Potter’ saga. She first announced it on her Facebook page early Friday morning, and then confirmed the information in a few interviews with local media.

When asked what is the next part going to be about, Rowling said it would describe the eternal fight between good and evil. This answer didn’t satisfy either journalists or her fans, so she had to add some details.

“In summary, Harry Potter leads a peaceful, lovely life with his wife and children, until one day his scar hurts again, and burns like fire. In this moment Harry understands: it’s Voldemort rising from the dead,” said Rowling. “The malicious wizard is back, stronger and more dangerous than ever before. The battle for life begins, or rather reactivates. One more time Harry has to save his loved ones and the whole world.”

Rowling said her decision was dictated by an inner need to bring back Harry Potter, mostly because she is flat broke.

“She, at one point, was one of the wealthiest people in the world, and the wealthiest woman in England,” said financial analyst Mark Cummings of the New York Weekly. “Sadly, the sales of her post-Potter books are just dreadful. Bringing Harry back is the only way that Rowling would be able to maintain her current lifestyle, or else she’d end up back on the streets, homeless once again and scrawling notes on diner napkins.”

Rowling was reportedly recently seen in a London bank, asking for a loan of £1000 ($1550 USD), which was refused. An anonymous friend of Rowling’s has hinted that the writer may have severe gambling problems. “It’s true – she lost most of her fortune betting on real-life Quidditch matches. It’s just so strange, and so sad. Did you even know that Quidditch was a real game? My mind was totally blown.”

Rowling said the book should be ready within three months. Some Harry Potter fans say it can not be a success, yet plenty of them are looking forward to the publication. The preparation has already started. Readers and avid fans are already buying magical gadgets, such as hats, capes and wands, to use while dressing up during book launches around the world.

 

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

 

SPRINGFIELD, Arizona – 

Christopher Hollins, 29, who was missing for nearly 10 years, returned to his home in Springfield three days ago. The man was found naked in the backyard of his home. According to Hollins, he was being used as an object of medical experiments.

Hollins says that 10 years ago, while walking from his house to a shop, he was stopped by a mysterious person in a long coat. The person spoke with a mesmerizing voice, handed him a small pill, and persuaded to swallow it. Next thing Hollins remembers is waking up in an empty room with lots of lights.

“I spent ten years in this room, almost never getting out,” he says. “I was listening, though. Sometimes they thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did. They were designing robotic humans with artificial intelligence and they used me as a model. The whole of humankind is in danger!” Hollins thinks that he was kidnapped by a governmental organization, although he is not able to indicate the exact place where he was kept, but thinks it was for sure somewhere in Washington.

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Hollins’ mother confessed her son used to be a great fan of science-fiction shows, especially Battlestar Galactica. He only watched one season of BSG and then disappeared, but doctors say it’s possible he got inspired by the series and believed people were really trying to create cylons – intelligent robots looking just like humans.

“It was a good show, yeah, and very convincing. For some time he thought I was a cylon,” said Mary Hollins, Christopher’s mother. “He definitely got really into it. I’m not going to lie – we looked for him went he went missing, but he was 19. Police didn’t care much about an ‘adult runaway.’ After a few weeks, we stopped looking. It was easier to pretend we had no son than it was to think we had a son who was a huge nerd.”

Doctors checked Hollins’s medical state, and concluded that he is generally fine, but believe that his entire story is completely fictional.

“From what we can tell, he was never out of the backyard at all, which is weird, because police would have normally checked there first,” said Dr. Honus Wagner. “At any rate, there is a small shed in the backyard of the Hollins’ home, and we think that Christopher probably just got himself locked in there, and survived by eating small rodents and neighborhood animals that wandered in. To be quite honest, it’s not as uncommon of a thing as you might think.”

“I’m just glad to be home,” said Christopher. “Is Battlestar Galactica still on?”

Girl Steals Ex-Boyfriend’s Sperm In Cheating Revenge Plot

Girl Steals Ex-Boyfriend's Sperm - You Won't Believe Why!

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A woman in Boston, Massachusetts says that she stole her boyfriend’s sperm after the couple had been having issues and she discovered he was cheating on her. She kept it, but not to get herself pregnant, as one might suspect.

Jessica Hedley and Colin Cross from Boston were a couple for three years. “I was so deeply in love all this time! But then I started noticing some things…Colin would come back home late, smelling of cheap perfumes,” said Hedley, 27. “Finally, I found a picture of some tramp showing off her cooter on his phone – some 18-year old bimbo wearing too much make up and not much else.”

The woman decided to take a revenge. She suspected Cross was actually not planning to get involved with the girl, but was just keeping what the internet refers to as a “side bitch.”

“I noticed he didn’t love her – I checked his phone when he wasn’t looking, I could see what he was saying. I even followed them out one time. She’s hot, but she was so terribly stupid. It was definitely all about sex,” said Hedley. “But this bitch seemed to have infatuated with my Colin. I followed her a few times, when she was by herself. I saw her shitty apartment in the ghetto. I figured she might be dreaming of a sudden change.”

Hedley says she first broke up with Colin, and then arranged a meeting with the other girl.

“She was surprised I wanted to meet. I told her Colin wanted to have a baby, but that I had fertility problems, and had just found out there was absolutely no chance of getting pregnant, and that he had dumped me because of it. Then I gave her some of his sperm that I’d been keeping on ice. I handed it to that skank, and told her to get it to the clinic and use it to get pregnant as soon as possible – because this is what Colin has been dreaming of for a long time. That dumb bitch believed every word, and went and turkey-basted herself into getting knocked up.”

Hedley says that she just wanted to make sure that Colin’s life was ruined forever.

“I thought of pretending to kill myself, and getting it blamed on him, like in Gone Girl,” said Hedley. “To be honest, no woman has that much time on her hands. Instead, I just got him strapped to some piece of ass he never even liked. Seems like a way more dirty thing to do, anyway.”

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With ‘Brain Worms’ After Eating Common Food Item

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With 'Brain Worms' After Eating Common Food Item

 

MIAMI, Florida – 

Three days ago the University of Miami Hospital received a patient with unusual symptoms. After conducting a series of medical examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with a unique form of ‘brain worms,’ similar in nature to that of a tapeworm that can be contracted from certain foods. Since that diagnosis, over one hundred more people have been  hospitalized.

Peter Forney, a 44-year-old resident of Miami, began experiencing strong headaches last Wednesday. Both he and his family first suspected it was just a migraine, but within a few days, Peter’s behavior drastically changed.

“He started acting like an idiot. Peter is a clever man, but all his intelligence was gone. He was speaking with no sense, making bad jokes all the time. I thought he was taking drugs or something, but this constant headache was strange,” says Laura Forney, Peter’s wife. She called an ambulance after her husband peed on the carpet in their living room while laughing maniacally.

“A few hours after Mr Forney arrived to the hospital, we received many more patients with similar symptoms. All of them became more and more stupid as time went on, as if their brains were being eaten away,” said Dr. Robert Gacy of the Miami General Teaching Hospital. “After running a battery of tests we managed to make a diagnosis – the patients have live, tissue-eating worms inside of their brains. It seems the worms feed themselves with gray matter and damage the nervous system, causing violent outbursts, unstable behavior, and decreased intelligence.”

“The biggest problem right now is the risk of epidemic. More and more people are getting sick,” said CDC spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We believe the worms are come from common food. Our patients live in different towns all around Florida. They didn’t dine in the same places, but clearly there is a link to their lifestyle. It has to be something popular and commonly available. We will find out. We can’t let our society get even dumber than it already is.”

Panic is spreading among residents of Florida and neighboring states, so much so that they are afraid to eat. Doctors say that they are able to remove and kill the worms if they are caught early on, but brain damage is not reversible. They warn people to not starve themselves totally, and that it would not be possible for the worms to come from things like candy or soda.

“If you’re going to eat, just eat a lot of unhealthy foods. These types of worms, they couldn’t come from jelly beans or Coca-Cola or potato chips or anything, so just enjoy those things until we find out what could be causing this,” said Goldsmith.

Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia – 

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

Google+ was recently attacked by a group of hackers who call themselves The GorillaGods, and the site was reportedly down for almost a week. The case is being investigated by internal Google programmers and federal authorities, but reportedly is not considered a “high priority.”

After 7 days one user, Billy Johnson, eventually noticed Google+ was missing. “I logged into my Gmail account, as I normally do every day, but after checking emails, I needed to take a look at Google Maps, so I clicked on the Apps. I accidentally chose Google+ instead of maps, though, and was taken to an empty website with random graffiti-style tags all over it,” said Johnson. “Normally I wouldn’t have bothered doing anything about it, but I couldn’t get back to my emails, nor move forward to the maps. That’s why I informed the Google people. I’d never used Google+ before. Shit, I didn’t even know it existed.”

Programmers from Google brought the website back very quickly after Johnson informed them of the attack. Reportedly, a few clicks were enough to bring the site back.

“As it turned out, the hackers didn’t get deeply into the structure of Google+; Our programmers suspect their aim was attacking another website, but they shut down Google+ by a mistake,” said Google spokesperson Amanda Fuller. “We didn’t even notice ourselves, to be honest. I know I didn’t. I mean, I have a G+ account, but it’s not really useful, since I have Facebook.”

“We still don’t know who attacked Google+,” says Patrick Murphy, one of the federal agents assigned to the investigation. “The main theory claims it was Google that staged the hack in order to make a fuss and gain some popularity, because no one even remembers that Google+ is even a thing. Clearly, if it wasn’t Google, then someone attacked them by accident, because no self-respecting hacker group would bother with such a waste of a website.”

The website is back up and fully-functioning, although at the time of this writing, it still appeared very desolate and unused.

Lady Gaga Announces Retirement From Music, Plans To Join Religious Commune

Lady Gaga Announces Retirement From Music, Plans To Join Religious Commune

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Lady Gaga announced this morning that she has plans to completely quit musical career, and focus on a career that is “more in line” with who she says she really is as a person.

“I have recently experienced a massive spiritual awakening, and the time has come for me to give up this industry, and focus on myself for awhile,” said Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. “I have decided that I am going to leave music so that I may join a religious group.”

According to reporters, the community Gaga has chosen is called Children of The Rising Suns. The Children live on a small island in the Pacific Ocean. A millionaire named Robert Smith bought the island three years ago.

“I saw the sunbeams, I saw them everywhere, I understood there are thousands of suns in the galaxy, and all of them are gods. After this realization all my life has changed,” said Smith. Doctors suspected the sunbeams Smith saw actually indicated a severe form of brain damage. Despite of his family’s efforts though, Smith refused hospitalization and medical examinations. Instead, he spent a great part of his fortune to purchase the island and build a religious commune, one he seeks to fill with as many people as possible.

Gaga confessed that, after reading an article about the community, she felt that was the path she had to follow. “I know this is what I need to do. I am the daughter of the Sun. I don’t want a career anymore, no more pop shows, fake people, lights and latex. I will not stop singing, but from now on, each sound that comes out of me will be devoted to the Gods of Light. There is a chorus in the commune, the Sunny Chorus, and I will sing along with them.”

Desperate fans wrote a petition asking Gaga to play a farewell concert before she leaves. The petition, which can be signed on www.onemoretimeale-alejandro.com, has already been supported by 2 million fans. Gaga has made no comment about a final performance before joining The Children.

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby’s Hair Growth

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby's Hair Growth

 

STANFORD, California –

A group of prominent geneticists and musicologists from Stanford University recently released the results of a research project entitiled Prenatal Music Exposure. Scientists checked how different music genres affect the pregnancy, and what is their influence on baby’s growth after birth. Some of the results were shocking.

A small group of the researchers focused specifically on rock and metal music, wherein they asked 100 women to exclusively listen to nothing but Pantera, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. Each day they were required to spend at least 2 hours exposed to the music. Scientists monitored the babies from their time in utero until the time they were 5-years-old, in order to see how the children would grow based on music.

“There were some experiments done in the past that proved music affects brain’s development, but nobody ever noticed such an obvious, physical evidence,” says Dr. Karen Ash from Stanford University. “We noted increased hair growth among children whose mothers listened to heavy metal during pregnancy. Compering to children who were exposed to other genres, the Metal Kids, as we called them, grew their head hair twice as fast. While an average hair of a non-metal child grew approximately one quarter inch monthly, a metal kid’s hair became up to half an inch longer. Several of the children, who are now 5, have hair past their knees.”

Scientists assume it is an example of genetic adaptation. The children grew long hair so they could effectively headbang to the rhythm of heavy metal.

“My daughter has long, black hair and she constantly refuses to have it tied. When she hears metal, she immediately starts moving her head rhythmically, back and forward, just like those guys during concerts,” says Mary Curtis, one of the mothers who participated in the experiment. “It’s kind of cute, but to be honest, I’ve been listening to nothing but heavy metal for almost 6 years now. She won’t let me listen to anything else. It’s really getting to be tiring.”

Scientists are not sure whether all genres can influence the human body in such apparent ways, or if it is restricted to just metal. They are also checking punk music, classical, rap, and opera. The rap babies are the only ones showing any signs of real change in any sort of physical behavior, as they all constantly pull their diaper down below their waste, letting the diaper hang low. Researchers are not sure if this was caused by the music, or just happenstance.

 

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

In the past week, residents of Chicago have found a total of 3 gym bags filled with money. The bags were placed in different spots around the city, and so far residents, as well as local officials, are at a loss for where the money is coming from.

The first bag, found by Charles Gordon, 28, contained over $35,000. It was simply left under a bench on a bus stop.

“Craziest thing that ever happened to me,” said Gordon, a fitness instructor. “Thing of it was, I never would have found it if my car hadn’t broken down that day. There I was, cursing my crappy life, and I find a bag with enough money to be a new car. Heck, two new cars if I wanted!”

The second bag, found hanging in a tree in a downtown-area park, contained over $80,000. The third, which contained an astounding $200,000 was found on a school playground.

“The bag was on the top of a slide, but the ladder was removed,” said the lucky finder, who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw the bag sitting up there when I was, uh, well. You know, I don’t really have a good explanation for why I was at an elementary school in the middle of the day. But screw you, I don’t need an explanation, now. I’m rich! It did take me almost an hour to climb up the slide from the wrong side, though. Damn, those things are slippery.”

Inside each bag is a short, hand-written note. All three have had the same message: ‘There will be more. Look for it. Be ready.’

Residents of Chicago are now on a wild scavenger hunt. People are running on the streets with shovels, ladders, and binoculars. Sadly, many area also carrying knifes, baseball bats, lead pipes, and other weapons. Some incidents of violence have already occurred, including yesterday when two men and a woman got into a fight after they all noticed a bag in front of a supermarket. It turned out the bag belonged to a tourist who wanted to buy beers in the shop and left his luggage outside. All 3 were taken to local hospitals and treated for minor injuries, and later arrested for assault.

Now, it also seems that fake bags are being placed around the city as gags. “I found a gym bag yesterday and I was so happy, but then I opened it and found a little, creepy clown toy inside of it, not money,” says Sara Moore, a resident of Chicago. “It seems that someone is trying to trick us. I just wanted some money, damnit!” Other residents have reported that they have found bags containing monopoly money, discarded porno magazines, used underwear, and human hair.

Authorities are asking residents to remain reasonable when seeking out these large sums of cash, and to please take care of each other’s safety. 

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

 

SANTA FE, New Mexico – 

It has been commonly repeated that white bread is unhealthy, non-nutritious and caloric, but according to a recent study performed by food scientists at the prestigious Merda Science Center in New Mexico, new, controversial discoveries have been made in regards to the nutritional value of white bread.

According to nutritionists and dietitians, white bread can actually make us thinner. “We noticed that bread contains some nutrients which, when eaten regularly, compound with digestive acids and speed up digestion,” says Dr. Clara Watson from the Science Center. “White bread can affect our bodies in extremely positive ways, but only if it’s eaten regularly. Scientists recommend eating it at least three times a day, every day, with no exceptions. The minimum daily dose is 600 grams. The bigger the amount, the greater the chance of weight loss.”

The Institute for Healthy Diet in Massachusetts also recently experimented with white bread and weight loss. Their study included 100 volunteers, very diverse, which included both males and females of different ages. The participants ate different amounts of white bread, every day, for three months. As a result, 90% of them lost weight. Those who ate more, lost more weight. Only volunteers who consumed less than 600 grams a day didn’t reduce weight. 80% of participants noticed their general physical condition got better, and 65% said they felt happier, lighter, and more emotionally stable than before.

“I will never eat whole grains again. White bread saved my life. I was overweight, my wife left me, and I used to spend all day watching TV. Then I joined the experiment and the Healthy Diet center, and within three months I became happy, fit, and healthy. I’m a different person now,” says Matthew Jones, one of participants. “The only real change is how often I use the bathroom. I used to be a once-a-day kind of man. Generally now, it’s 12 or 13 times a day. But, better to be shitting than feel like shit, am I right?”

Nutritionists have been trying to find the key to safe and easy weight loss for decades, and now believe that the answer was right in front of them in the form of Wonder Bread. “These findings are life-changing, and will be so for many people,” said Dr. Watson. “It’s truly a miracle of weight loss.”

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