BREAKING: Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg Kidnapped While Vacationing in Belize

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BELMOPAN, Belize – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been kidnapped by Belize terrorists while vacationing with his family in the capital city of Belmopan. Police in Belize have received a single correspondence from the kidnappers, demanding $2 billion dollars in cash for his safe return.

Zuckerberg, who has a net worth of $70 billion, was visiting Belmopan with his family for a month-long vacation, and was reportedly taken by several men in masks who threw him into a van. His wife, who was with him at the time, was unharmed, and phoned police.

At this time, police are uncertain if Zuckerberg is alive, but remain hopeful that the kidnappers plan to abide by their word, and release him upon payment. Zuckerberg’s wife, Priscilla Chan, has said that they will pay the ransom immediately, as “$2 billion is really nothing when you have $68 billion more to play with.”

She says that once he is safely returned, they will continue their vacation.

Uber To Begin Offering ‘Rape Free’ Rides For Customers Who Pay Upcharge

CLEVELAND, Ohio – 

After the recent conviction of a former Uber driver who kidnapped and raped a young woman, the “personal taxi” service has announced that they will now be offering a guaranteed “no rape” ride, offering passengers who opt to use their service to get to their destination without the “hassle” of being raped by the driver.

“We know that there are a lot of incidents out there of rape, kidnapping, and other nasty or sexual crimes,” said Uber spokesperson Jeff Glum. “We at Uber do not want any of our customers to get raped, because we know that rape is bad for business. So we have initiated an intense screening process to choose only those drivers who have less than a 1% chance of rape, and started our new “no rape” ride plans.”

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According to Glum, the rape-less rides will cost a bit more, but that they will personally guarantee your safety.

“It will be a flat fee of an extra $30 per person, per ride, to enjoy our no-rape rides, but we feel that amount is a pittance to pay in comparison to your own, personal safety,” said Glum. “We want to stop the rapes before they become something more, like deaths. $30 to save your life? You’d be foolish not to take advantage of it.”

Glum says that Uber will begin the rape-free rides on November 1st. The app will be updated to indicate who is nearby that will not rape you.

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

 

SPRINGFIELD, Arizona – 

Christopher Hollins, 29, who was missing for nearly 10 years, returned to his home in Springfield three days ago. The man was found naked in the backyard of his home. According to Hollins, he was being used as an object of medical experiments.

Hollins says that 10 years ago, while walking from his house to a shop, he was stopped by a mysterious person in a long coat. The person spoke with a mesmerizing voice, handed him a small pill, and persuaded to swallow it. Next thing Hollins remembers is waking up in an empty room with lots of lights.

“I spent ten years in this room, almost never getting out,” he says. “I was listening, though. Sometimes they thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did. They were designing robotic humans with artificial intelligence and they used me as a model. The whole of humankind is in danger!” Hollins thinks that he was kidnapped by a governmental organization, although he is not able to indicate the exact place where he was kept, but thinks it was for sure somewhere in Washington.

Hollins’ mother confessed her son used to be a great fan of science-fiction shows, especially Battlestar Galactica. He only watched one season of BSG and then disappeared, but doctors say it’s possible he got inspired by the series and believed people were really trying to create cylons – intelligent robots looking just like humans.

“It was a good show, yeah, and very convincing. For some time he thought I was a cylon,” said Mary Hollins, Christopher’s mother. “He definitely got really into it. I’m not going to lie – we looked for him went he went missing, but he was 19. Police didn’t care much about an ‘adult runaway.’ After a few weeks, we stopped looking. It was easier to pretend we had no son than it was to think we had a son who was a huge nerd.”

Doctors checked Hollins’s medical state, and concluded that he is generally fine, but believe that his entire story is completely fictional.

“From what we can tell, he was never out of the backyard at all, which is weird, because police would have normally checked there first,” said Dr. Honus Wagner. “At any rate, there is a small shed in the backyard of the Hollins’ home, and we think that Christopher probably just got himself locked in there, and survived by eating small rodents and neighborhood animals that wandered in. To be quite honest, it’s not as uncommon of a thing as you might think.”

“I’m just glad to be home,” said Christopher. “Is Battlestar Galactica still on?”

Porcelain Dolls Resembling Abducted Children Appearing On Doorsteps Of Parents

SAN CLEMENTE, California – Porcelain Dolls Resembling Abducted Children Appearing On Doorsteps Of Parents

Over the last several weeks, parents of children who have been abducted and yet-to-be found have been coming home to a disturbing sight; porcelain dolls resembling their children are tucked into baskets and left on their doorsteps. So far, 8 families have come home to a doll being placed at their door.

“It was extremely unnerving and frightening,” said Kathleen Davidson, the mother of a young girl, Natalie, who was abducted from their home last Easter. “We never found our daughter. The case is still open, but police more or less gave up. We came home last Monday and there was something in front of our door. When I got closer, I noticed it was a doll. I thought perhaps a neighbor’s child had been playing in our yard and left it, but when I picked it up, it gave me such a jolt to discover it looked identical to Natalie. It was even wearing an Easter dress just like the one she was wearing when she was taken.”

Davidson says that she called the police, but initially they ‘weren’t interested.’

“They sent an officer out, and he didn’t really have anything to say about it. They basically just assumed it was a coincidence,” said Davidson.

Over the next several days, other families of abducted children began to receive dolls at their homes as well. Police had already begun a full-scale investigation by the time the fourth call came in.

“We are embarrassed by the fact that we didn’t begin an investigation into the matter sooner,” said Captain Michael Lambert. “We started receiving numerous calls from families who had a doll left at their home. All the families have children that have been abducted, and none of those children have been found. The cases of the missing children range from the late 1980s until the present. One of the families had their child taken only a few short months ago. We are investigating the situation of the dolls to see if they have any connection to the person or persons who may be involved in the abductions.”

So far, police have no new leads on any of the open abduction cases, and are asking anyone with information to call their local police department.

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