Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

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Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

 

SPRINGFIELD, Arizona – 

Christopher Hollins, 29, who was missing for nearly 10 years, returned to his home in Springfield three days ago. The man was found naked in the backyard of his home. According to Hollins, he was being used as an object of medical experiments.

Hollins says that 10 years ago, while walking from his house to a shop, he was stopped by a mysterious person in a long coat. The person spoke with a mesmerizing voice, handed him a small pill, and persuaded to swallow it. Next thing Hollins remembers is waking up in an empty room with lots of lights.

“I spent ten years in this room, almost never getting out,” he says. “I was listening, though. Sometimes they thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did. They were designing robotic humans with artificial intelligence and they used me as a model. The whole of humankind is in danger!” Hollins thinks that he was kidnapped by a governmental organization, although he is not able to indicate the exact place where he was kept, but thinks it was for sure somewhere in Washington.

Hollins’ mother confessed her son used to be a great fan of science-fiction shows, especially Battlestar Galactica. He only watched one season of BSG and then disappeared, but doctors say it’s possible he got inspired by the series and believed people were really trying to create cylons – intelligent robots looking just like humans.

“It was a good show, yeah, and very convincing. For some time he thought I was a cylon,” said Mary Hollins, Christopher’s mother. “He definitely got really into it. I’m not going to lie – we looked for him went he went missing, but he was 19. Police didn’t care much about an ‘adult runaway.’ After a few weeks, we stopped looking. It was easier to pretend we had no son than it was to think we had a son who was a huge nerd.”

Doctors checked Hollins’s medical state, and concluded that he is generally fine, but believe that his entire story is completely fictional.

“From what we can tell, he was never out of the backyard at all, which is weird, because police would have normally checked there first,” said Dr. Honus Wagner. “At any rate, there is a small shed in the backyard of the Hollins’ home, and we think that Christopher probably just got himself locked in there, and survived by eating small rodents and neighborhood animals that wandered in. To be quite honest, it’s not as uncommon of a thing as you might think.”

“I’m just glad to be home,” said Christopher. “Is Battlestar Galactica still on?”

Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

WASHINGTON, D.C – Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring 2015 According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

On Black Friday, gas prices began to drop quite drastically compared to the upward trends the country has been seeing since the mid-2000’s. While various experts insist that prices will continue to drop, what they and most United States government officials aren’t telling you is, indeed, quite frightening.

Adam Sieminski, Chief Administrator of the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), announced today that it is his educated opinion after years of experience as an expert energy resource consultant, that gas prices will begin to rise very rapidly after the New Year, and continue throughout all of 2015. Sieminski says that prices of regular unleaded gasoline could very well reach $7.00 per-gallon by springtime.

“Don’t be fooled by the current production level of crude oil, which is seemingly leading the average American to believe that gas prices will continue to fall. What we have here, in my expert opinion, is the makings of a real shit-storm,” a shockingly candid Sieminski told reporter Wade Robertson from the KRAP news station in Los Angeles. “The constant disputing and clashing of political parties is to blame. They simply cannot agree as to the cost of anything. If they can’t even decide on a standard price for bubble gum, how can we entrust them to price our fuel supply?”

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“The wool is being pulled over the peering eyes of the American public by the government, with all these low gas prices during the holiday season,” said Mark Rupert, an economic advisor at the EIA. “It is simply a decoy to fool the great hard-working citizens of this incredible country into spending more money than they normally would on other products because they’re finally saving on gasoline. All the while, they’re portraying the temporary illusion of a steadily improving national economy. Don’t be fooled!”

In a recent interview with CBS News, John Kingston, director of news at Platts, a provider of global energy, petrochemicals, metals, and agriculture information, said he sees no possible bad outcome of the current low gas prices. When asked if American businesses and consumers should just sit back and enjoy the ride as oil and gas prices continue to march downward, Kingston answered, “I just don’t see why they shouldn’t.”

The EIA clearly disagrees. “Gas, oil and other energies are the biggest business in the world. Of course they want you to believe everything is all fine and dandy, it should be a criminal offense to mislead the nation in this way, it is being done so that just when the average consumer gets comfortable, the shit will hit the fan, and they will be pawning the rims right off their cars just so that they can afford to put gas in them,” Sieminski concluded.

“In the end, who cares about gas prices?” said Jeb Smith, a grizzly, old gas station owner in Des Moines, Iowa. “Up, down, left, right. Gas been fluctuatin’ in price as long as I been alive. People buy the things they need, and they try and buy the things they want. It’s the nature of life, and no economy guy or science doofus is gonna tell me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on.”

 

 

Alien Life-Form Discovered In Pennsylvania

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania- Alien-Life-Form-Discovered-Found-in-Pennsylvania

Over the weekend of June 7th, an interesting discovery was made by Pittsburgh native Devon Shaffer, 28. Mr. Shaffer was emptying out the trash during his shift at the Pasta Too Restaurant in North Side Pittsburgh when he found something in the leftover pierogi grease that has put the scientific community on its head.

“Well, it was ‘round ’bout 8 o’clock, and I was taking the trash out for Jimmy on account of his bum knee. I tossed the bag up in da dumpster and awnest ta God I ’bout crapped myself when I seen it. There was like one of dem coral things like what you find over at Myrtle Beach or something, just layin’ there in some of dat old pierogi oil!”

Excited over the oddity, Devon took the object into the restaurant to share with his co-workers.

“I was like, yuz guys ain’t gonna believe this. Jimmy took one look at it an’ was all ‘You need ta take that ova to Marty at the aquarium!’ so I did.”

Shaffer took his discover to Dr. Martin Steinbeck at the PPG Aquarium in Pittsburgh. Over the course of the weekend, Dr. Steinbeck ran tests on the specimen to figure out what the object was, and hopefully discover its mystery.

“This is not a piece of coral, at least not as we know it.” Said Dr. Steinbeck. “Regular, everyday coral exists in the ocean as a living organism, it’s this hard coral that we see most often. They have a ‘skeleton’ or shell made out of calcium carbonate, and some softer corals don’t form a skeleton at all. The piece that Mr. Shaffer brought me looks very much like a regular hard coral, but there is an absence of that calcium carbonate in its make-up. After running tests on it, I discovered that his specimen was building its skeleton out of the peanut oil used to fry the perogies at Pasta Too. This means that not only is this a new species, but the fact that it can react with proteins in oil this means that its DNA is fundamentally different, alien from anything we’ve ever encountered on Earth.”

The news has created a stir in the scientific communtiy, with several labs requesting samples of the specimen from both Dr. Steinbeck and Mr. Shaffer for further analysis.  Steinbeck has said he no longer has the specimen in his possession, as when news broke of the discovery government officials took ownership and brought it in for their own research.

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