‘Thanks, Obama!’: Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

HOUSTON, Texas –

Gas prices have dropped significantly throughout the United States over the last couple of months, thanks to more crude oil production in the U.S., lowering the price of to $60 a barrel, a trend National Energy Technologies CEO Robert McDaniel says will continue.

“The United States has officially become the world leader in oil production. I have every reason to believe, as should all American citizens, that gas and oil prices will continue to drop drastically. It is my educated and professional opinion that we could see gas prices drop to, or even below, $1.00 a gallon by late spring of 2015,” McDaniel told WEMP reporter Becky Hollensdale.

President Barrack Obama has also chimed in on the welcoming news, stating that his work is finally seeing results that all Americans are benefiting from.

“My administration has done a great deal of superb work that has previously gone unrecognized over the years. It is about time we are able to show the American people the love they so very well deserve.” President Obama said in his morning briefing. “Without me, this would have never happened. Does anybody even remember the last time gas prices dropped below $2.00 a gallon? How about less than $1.00 a gallon? I know my recollection is a bit fuzzy, because it was the 70s, and I was high as a kite somewhere, not caring about gas prices.”

While the Obama administration seems to be taking full credit for the drop of gas and oil prices, others claim that simply is not the case. Chairman of the United States Energy Resource Committee, Bill Farrell, says that it is the result of more digging and uprooting of forestry in the U.S., and that it has nothing to do with President Obama.

“Of course the President is going to take all the credit, as that is the one thing that all Presidents and government officials care about the most,” said Farrell. “The real reason prices have dropped, and American production has increased, is that the tree-hugging hippies and commies are fighting less and less to protect nature. Their ambivalence has allowed us to drill in more locations, uproot more trees, and get to the damn oil. I mean oil and gas makes the world go ’round. Who really gives a rat’s fart about the trees?”

At least ten states across the U.S. are already reporting gas prices under $2.00 a gallon, and most others can expect to see these prices soon as well.

“I’d just like to say that for quite a long while, I have seen many people across the internet say ‘Thanks, Obama!’ to things that I don’t feel I had any part in,” said the President. “But for lowering gas prices, I’d just like to wholeheartedly say to everyone – ‘You’re Welcome!'”

Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

On Black Friday, gas prices began to drop quite drastically compared to the upward trends the country has been seeing since the mid-2000’s. While various experts insist that prices will continue to drop, what they and most United States government officials aren’t telling you is, indeed, quite frightening.

Adam Sieminski, Chief Administrator of the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), announced today that it is his educated opinion after years of experience as an expert energy resource consultant, that gas prices will begin to rise very rapidly after the New Year, and continue throughout all of 2015. Sieminski says that prices of regular unleaded gasoline could very well reach $7.00 per-gallon by springtime.

“Don’t be fooled by the current production level of crude oil, which is seemingly leading the average American to believe that gas prices will continue to fall. What we have here, in my expert opinion, is the makings of a real shit-storm,” a shockingly candid Sieminski told reporter Wade Robertson from the KRAP news station in Los Angeles. “The constant disputing and clashing of political parties is to blame. They simply cannot agree as to the cost of anything. If they can’t even decide on a standard price for bubble gum, how can we entrust them to price our fuel supply?”

“The wool is being pulled over the peering eyes of the American public by the government, with all these low gas prices during the holiday season,” said Mark Rupert, an economic advisor at the EIA. “It is simply a decoy to fool the great hard-working citizens of this incredible country into spending more money than they normally would on other products because they’re finally saving on gasoline. All the while, they’re portraying the temporary illusion of a steadily improving national economy. Don’t be fooled!”

In a recent interview with CBS News, John Kingston, director of news at Platts, a provider of global energy, petrochemicals, metals, and agriculture information, said he sees no possible bad outcome of the current low gas prices. When asked if American businesses and consumers should just sit back and enjoy the ride as oil and gas prices continue to march downward, Kingston answered, “I just don’t see why they shouldn’t.”

The EIA clearly disagrees. “Gas, oil and other energies are the biggest business in the world. Of course they want you to believe everything is all fine and dandy, it should be a criminal offense to mislead the nation in this way, it is being done so that just when the average consumer gets comfortable, the shit will hit the fan, and they will be pawning the rims right off their cars just so that they can afford to put gas in them,” Sieminski concluded.

“In the end, who cares about gas prices?” said Jeb Smith, a grizzly, old gas station owner in Des Moines, Iowa. “Up, down, left, right. Gas been fluctuatin’ in price as long as I been alive. People buy the things they need, and they try and buy the things they want. It’s the nature of life, and no economy guy or science doofus is gonna tell me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on.”

JELL-O Deficiency Linked To Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

DEERFIELD, Illinois –

Workers at Kraft Foods, Inc. couldn’t be happier in these less than certain economic times. For them, the future looks bright and shiny.

Jack Pepper, production manager for Kraft Foods’ JELL-O Division said, “We just read a report from the National Council on Osteopathy, and they say gelatin helps relieve carpal tunnel syndrome! We couldn’t be happier!”

Carpal tunnel syndrome results when unnatural, repetitive pressure is placed on the median nerve located in the wrist. Symptoms include numbness, tingling, shooting pains into the hand, and compromised hand movement.

“Gelatin is a natural fleor,” said Dr. Ambrose Seelig, of Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Dr. Seelig coordinated a groundbreaking gelatin study after his dog, Joy, accidentally ate an entire JELL-O mold that he and his veterinarian wife had made for a pot-luck dinner.

“Joy’s not supposed to have table scraps, but she’s a tricky one. She’s 14, and starting to show signs of slowing down – the usual things that happen with a dog of a certain age,” said the doctor. “She was having a lot of trouble with her joints; they were stiffening, and her paw actually had what in humans would be diagnosed as carpal tunnel. She scratched at the door so much with repetitive paw movements, so her mobility became compromised.”

“Then, I had an ‘Oprah Moment,’” said Seelig. “Well, that’s what my wife called it.”

Two days after Joy ate the JELL-O mold, her mobility increased and even her coat looked shinier. “I thought I was imagining things,” said the doctor, “but my wife confirmed it!”

Joy’s paw was becoming more mobile.

“We kept feeding her JELL-O,” said Dr. Seelig. “She loves it! She thinks she’s getting a treat, but she’s actually involved in good, sound medical research!”

Dr. Seelig wondered if the JELL-O treatment could produce the same result for two-legged sufferers.

Human trials were arranged at a testing facility in Maryland. An ad was placed on craigslist asking for volunteers who suffered from the syndrome.

“We had personalized bowls of JELL-O lined up, ready and waiting for the volunteers,” said Seelig. Some of them were disappointed that they weren’t receiving experimental drugs. A few severe cases couldn’t even shake hands or hold a spoon when they walked in, but after a month, their symptoms had disappeared, or were greatly reduced.”

“Our division is working ’round the clock,” said Jack Pepper, as he supervised production from the busy JELL-O floor. “We’ve even had to hire a new midnight shift! It’s great! I look out here and all I see for miles and miles are happy employees pulling levers up and down, back and forth, again and again and again; boxing gelatin, hand-mixing flavors, sealing bags, over and over and over again — 24/7! Everyone’s thrilled!”

Vegan activists are hoping for an equivalent therapy, as most gelatin products are derived from the skin, bones, hooves, and connective tissue of animals, and therefore not fit for human consumption.

“Joy’s doing great!” says Dr. Seelig. “Except for her green tongue. She likes the melon flavor now, though,” he said.