BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A woman in Boston, Massachusetts says that she stole her boyfriend’s sperm after the couple had been having issues and she discovered he was cheating on her. She kept it, but not to get herself pregnant, as one might suspect.

Jessica Hedley and Colin Cross from Boston were a couple for three years. “I was so deeply in love all this time! But then I started noticing some things…Colin would come back home late, smelling of cheap perfumes,” said Hedley, 27. “Finally, I found a picture of some tramp showing off her cooter on his phone – some 18-year old bimbo wearing too much make up and not much else.”

The woman decided to take a revenge. She suspected Cross was actually not planning to get involved with the girl, but was just keeping what the internet refers to as a “side bitch.”

“I noticed he didn’t love her – I checked his phone when he wasn’t looking, I could see what he was saying. I even followed them out one time. She’s hot, but she was so terribly stupid. It was definitely all about sex,” said Hedley. “But this bitch seemed to have infatuated with my Colin. I followed her a few times, when she was by herself. I saw her shitty apartment in the ghetto. I figured she might be dreaming of a sudden change.”

Hedley says she first broke up with Colin, and then arranged a meeting with the other girl.

“She was surprised I wanted to meet. I told her Colin wanted to have a baby, but that I had fertility problems, and had just found out there was absolutely no chance of getting pregnant, and that he had dumped me because of it. Then I gave her some of his sperm that I’d been keeping on ice. I handed it to that skank, and told her to get it to the clinic and use it to get pregnant as soon as possible – because this is what Colin has been dreaming of for a long time. That dumb bitch believed every word, and went and turkey-basted herself into getting knocked up.”

Hedley says that she just wanted to make sure that Colin’s life was ruined forever.

“I thought of pretending to kill myself, and getting it blamed on him, like in Gone Girl,” said Hedley. “To be honest, no woman has that much time on her hands. Instead, I just got him strapped to some piece of ass he never even liked. Seems like a way more dirty thing to do, anyway.”