Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

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Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood was all a buzz yesterday with the announcement that singers and friends Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have signed a deal for an upcoming motion picture. The film Crooner And Legs will be a buddy cop movie, and filming will begin in late spring. 

“I’m very excited, I love buddy cop movies,” said Tony Bennett, 88. ”I can’t give too much away about the script but I play a Detective one week away from retirement, trying to solve one last big case. It’s going to be great working with Gaga, she’s a great friend and a great talent. Whenever I work with Gaga, I feel 70 years younger. She’s truly a special person.”

 “Tony and I are like soul mates,” said Lady Gaga, age 29. ”In the movie I play an ex-Rockette turned cop. Except for the special effects, stunt doubles, and shoot outs, the movie will be like real life, Tony and I singing to each other. This movie will be magical. Tony at the end of a long successful career and me at the start of one.

”The script was written for Kanye West and Paul McCarthy,” said Ira Goldstein, Executive Producer. “Kanye was insisting on an Oscar before he signed a contract. I tried explaining to him that’s not how it works, but he called me a racist and backed out of the deal. I’m happy we were able to Tony and Gaga, their on screen chemistry will make this movie a hit.”

“ He’s old as all hell and half the time I’m not sure she’s even a woman,” said film critic Carmine Classi. ”This movie has train wreck written all over it.”

 

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It’s To A Human

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It's To A Human

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

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Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.

Lady Gaga Announces Retirement From Music, Plans To Join Religious Commune

Lady Gaga Announces Retirement From Music, Plans To Join Religious Commune

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Lady Gaga announced this morning that she has plans to completely quit musical career, and focus on a career that is “more in line” with who she says she really is as a person.

“I have recently experienced a massive spiritual awakening, and the time has come for me to give up this industry, and focus on myself for awhile,” said Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. “I have decided that I am going to leave music so that I may join a religious group.”

According to reporters, the community Gaga has chosen is called Children of The Rising Suns. The Children live on a small island in the Pacific Ocean. A millionaire named Robert Smith bought the island three years ago.

“I saw the sunbeams, I saw them everywhere, I understood there are thousands of suns in the galaxy, and all of them are gods. After this realization all my life has changed,” said Smith. Doctors suspected the sunbeams Smith saw actually indicated a severe form of brain damage. Despite of his family’s efforts though, Smith refused hospitalization and medical examinations. Instead, he spent a great part of his fortune to purchase the island and build a religious commune, one he seeks to fill with as many people as possible.

Gaga confessed that, after reading an article about the community, she felt that was the path she had to follow. “I know this is what I need to do. I am the daughter of the Sun. I don’t want a career anymore, no more pop shows, fake people, lights and latex. I will not stop singing, but from now on, each sound that comes out of me will be devoted to the Gods of Light. There is a chorus in the commune, the Sunny Chorus, and I will sing along with them.”

Desperate fans wrote a petition asking Gaga to play a farewell concert before she leaves. The petition, which can be signed on www.onemoretimeale-alejandro.com, has already been supported by 2 million fans. Gaga has made no comment about a final performance before joining The Children.

‘Westboro Baptist Church’ Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

TOPEKA, Kansas – 'Westboro Baptist Church' Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Westboro Baptist Church, known more for its theatrical, attention-getting demonstrations than for its spreading of the gospel, finally admitted what many have suspected all along – it’s all been a colossal prank.

“It started in the church basement,” said former member and amateur performer Keith Lindsay. “We were losing members and money, so I formed an improv group called Winging It. We dressed up as angels and did lighthearted skits based on good deeds.”

The improvised good deeds changed depending on the audience, as Lindsay explained. “Sometimes we’d be at the mall and some woman would walk by wearing the most disastrously put together, wretched outfit, so we’d re-style her! I’d reach into my big bag and give her a makeover right on the spot! I have a talent for that,” he added.

The small-scale improv wasn’t giving the church the exposure they wanted, so Lindsay decided to “take things up a notch” in in effort to recruit more members. The troupe began acting out the most dramatic scenes from the Bible.

“We were stoning this woman at the mall once,” said Lindsay, “when a mother with her little boy said we should stop because it was too violent for her son to see. Well I was exhausted from being up all night practicing my improv and making all those paper mache rocks, and I lost my temper, but I stayed in character which is an improv comedy rule.”

Lindsay’s ‘ah-ha’ moment came when he criticized the young mother for dressing her young son in a pink shirt. “I said, ‘God hates the pink shirts and your son looks like a ‘you-know-what.’ She clearly didn’t know what I meant, and because I was still ‘in the moment’ I suddenly blurted out, ‘GOD HATES FAGS!’ and that’s how the whole thing started! The moment was so electric! I was trembling!” said Lindsay.

From that point forward, the church found themselves flooded with new members, all volunteering to make signs, protest funerals, and picket every event they could possibly think of.

“So that’s the story,” said Lindsay. “It was all just an act. The idea started as an improv comedy bit that we thought could get us some attention and new members, and it just blew up from there! I’m so relieved to finally come out and tell the truth,” he said. “‘Pastor’ Fred Phelps was a genius, and he took my blow-up at that woman in the mall to new heights. Once he got his daughter Shirley in front of a crowd, with her empty gaze and haggard looks, the entire thing became more believable than ever. I credit Fred and Shirley in making these little bits we had into a work of comedic excellence.”

Lindsay left the church when founder Fred Phelps passed away in March 2014, and is now focusing on a solo performing career.

“It was time to move on,” said the actor, but right now I’m writing my own one-man show, so just move over Liza Minnelli! Step aside Lada Gaga! I’m getting my act together and taking it on the road!”

Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga Announce Music Collaboration, Wedding Plans

NEW YORK, New York – Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga Announce Music Collaboration, Wedding Plans

Legendary crooner Tony Bennett and pop sensation Lady Gaga shocked fans and industry types alike when they announced their engagement during a press conference promoting their upcoming album of jazz duets.

“She makes me feel so young!” gushed Bennett, 87.  Gaga, 28, appeared smitten during the press conference and said “Tony has been the biggest surprise in my life so far. And by biggest – well, I think you know what I mean.”

Both artists expressed genuine surprise that their mutual admiration grew into something more profound.  The two began collaborating on the new project earlier this year, and are currently taping an upcoming television concert special which will coincide with a fall wedding.

“One afternoon we were sitting in the studio listening to a playback,” remarked Gaga, “and out of the blue, Tony turned to me and asked if I’d like to go for an early bird special at one of his favorite restaurants, or “joints,” as he put it.  From then on, things just blossomed.”

“That’s how it was, yes siree, that’s just how it was,” remarked Bennett, smiling and tapping his foot for emphasis.  “She’s quite a gal, yes siree, that’s what she is all right, quite a gal.  It’s like Bogie and Bacall all over again, and I was friends with both of those two.  Yes siree, that’s how it was.”

“That’s what it’s really all about, I mean the things we have in common.  I love Bogart and Bacall movies, too,” said Gaga.  “That’s just one example of things we share together.  There are so many other things too, and it just seems like this amazing thing was written in the stars for both of us.”

“Hey!” interjected Bennett, “We should sing that song on our new album, due out in the fall – Written In The Stars, an old Harold Arlen tune that I enjoy and I hope you’ll enjoy too!”  Bennett tapped his foot for emphasis.

I think the old standards are the best,” added Gaga, “but don’t worry — I’m not getting too far away from my current roots that my Little Monsters have come to know me for!”

“I thought you told me you didn’t have any kids!” joked Bennett, sending the room of assembled journalists into hearty laughter.

“That’s another thing,” said Gaga.  “His sense of humor is so, so unpredictable!”

When pressed for details about dates and details for the upcoming wedding, Bennett remarked “Hold your horses, kids, this crazy scene is all new to us.  Yes siree, that’s what it is all right, crazy scene.  All new.”

The couple waved good-bye and walked hand-in-hand to attend an awaiting reception in their honor, hosted by television and recording executives.

Lady Gaga Joins Cast of HBO Hit Series ‘True Detective’ For Season 2

LOS ANGELES, California –lady gaga joins cast of true detective season 2

Lady Gaga has officially joined the season two cast of the critically acclaimed HBO television series True Detective,  according to show creator and writer Nic Pizzolatto.

The first season of the television series was an instant hit for HBO, and featured tremendous acting performances by Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. For the  66th Primetime Emmy Awards, the series is nominated for Outstanding Drama Series. Harrelson and McConaughey (who will not return to the show) are both nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. 

Acting in the series will be a new endeavor for Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. Gaga says she was influenced by her boyfriend, actor Taylor Kinney, who plays Lt. Kelly Severide on the popular TV show Chicago Fire.

“We are very excited to work with Lady Gaga. She passed a screen test with flying colors and has proven that she is a true performer and clearly this will put her on the map as an acting sensation,” said Pizzolatto in a telephone interview. “She is undergoing rigorous training from some of the most highly respected acting coaches in the industry at New York’s Actors Studio. She will be playing the role of Sarah Kemilosky, one of our newly added three main characters for season two.”

It was recently announced that True Detective season two is expected to include eight episodes, and will take place in California, a change from the Louisiana backdrop of season one.

Lady Gaga has not been reachable for comment since the announcement, but her boyfriend Taylor Kinney is very happy that Gaga will be joining him in the ‘world of acting.’

“She is very excited. It is something we joked about in the past, her getting into acting, but the more I thought about it, the more I tried to convince her to give it a try. I know she has exactly what it takes to make it in the industry, she definitely has the chops for acting. This opportunity will most certainly put her on the map as a legitimate actress.”

Season two of True Detective is scheduled to begin filming late 2014.

 

 

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