Dehydrated Human Finger Found In Bag Of Jerky

AUSTIN, Texas –

A Texas man says that while eating a bag of Johnny Frank’s Jerky yesterday, he got more than he bargained for when he bit into what he says is a dehydrated human finger.

“It was pretty damn nasty, not gonna lie for a minute,” said Texas rancher Billy Bob Jones. “I didn’t notice how it looked at first, but damnit, when I bit into that finger, I knew something wasn’t right. Someone at the Johnny Frank’s is gonna pay.”

“We at JF’s Jerky pride ourselves on delivering a reputable, delicious product, and it would be very difficult, based on the way we manufacture our jerky, for a human finger to end up inside a bag,” said Johnny Frank spokesman Carl Lewis. “We are taking Mr. Jones’ statements very seriously, and are beginning an investigation into the matter.”

In the meantime, Lewis says that they will be offering Jones a replacement bag of jerky at no cost.

LOS ANGELES, California –

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.