Government Forces Company To Remove The Term ‘Diet’ From All Foods

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.

“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”

“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”

This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.

 

Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

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COMPTON, California – 

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

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Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

Loni Jane Anthony Plans On Having A Second Baby, Keeping It On Extreme Diet

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Loni Jane Anthony, the woman who was criticized for her extreme 80/10/10 vegan diet, says she plans to have another child to replace her first born, who has developed a taste for meat.

After living a life filled with booze and bad food choices, Anderson adapted a “healthy diet,” created by Dr. Douglas Graham, of 80% fruits and vegetables, 10% protein, and 10% fat. She received criticism from many on the internet who said she did not eat enough fat and protein during her first pregnancy. Thankfully, her growing baby sucked all the minerals and fats it needed from her brain and bones, and little Rowdy came out happy and healthy.

Anthony, who said at first she would raise her baby as vegan, and respect the choices he made later in life, has now reportedly gone back on her word. She announced on her Twitter page that she is planning on having another baby to replace ‘the bad apple,’ who is now three years old.

“Rowdy begs and cries for Happy Meals, T-bone steaks, and bison burgers. I am not raising my child on meat!” said Anthony. “It was bad enough he insisted on so much breast milk as a baby. Breast milk is dairy! Dairy is fat! We made him so many delicious smoothies, and all he wanted was milk. Now that he’s older, he wants cheeseburgers! I won’t have it. I’m disowning him, and starting over. I plan to create a baby race of healthy dieters.”

Many followers of Anthony claim that she is probably only doing this for the publicity, as her Instagram and Twitter shots have been sluggish and boring, and getting less likes and shares lately.

“She’s losing steam, I tell you, and the diet clearly isn’t working as well, if you know what I mean,” said Instagram user FollowMeForLikes. “She’s just drumming up interest in her stupid diet again. If you ask me, that 10% fat is going straight to her ass.”

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

New Diet Trend Has People Swallowing Maggots To Lose Weight Quickly

New Diet Trend Has People Eating Maggots To Lose Weight Fast

 

LOS ANGELES, California – 

There’s some big news in the world of trend diets that you’re bound to see on The Dr. Oz Show anytime now. Health nuts say that if you’re serious about losing weight, you have to try swallowing live maggots!

Housewife Jenny Smith says, “No diet ever worked for me. I just couldn’t seem to stick with them. When my best friend told me her secret, I couldn’t believe it. I’m glad I listened to her. I’ve lost two dress sizes in a week!”

Not only are fly larvae inexpensive, they’re chock full of protein and other nutrients. The real benefit is in the effect it has on the stomach. Preliminary studies show that eating a half cup of maggots in the morning can cut a person’s calorie intake in half.

Health guru Natasha Sanipas explains, “The secret to losing weight is eating less. This is the best appetite suppressant money can buy. I recommend mealworms, personally. They sort of taste like bread, so they satisfy my craving, but are gluten and carb free! Basically, whatever I eat after swallowing them, the mealworms eat half of. It’s way more safe than the old tapeworm diet, too, because those things were super deadly. These mealworms, I usually just pass them through in a day or two!”

Advocates advise to always consult a physician before beginning a new diet, and to never pick maggots directly out of the trash. Sanipas advises to only order insect larvae from certified dealers. “If you do want to raise your own maggots, I recommend putting some rank meat in a Mason jar and covering the top with cheese cloth. Then let nature work its magic. Tempted to raid the fridge? Swallow a few of those little squirmers, and I guarantee your craving will be gone. Just remember – swallow, don’t chew! They can’t help you out if you’ve chomped them all to death!”

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

 

SANTA FE, New Mexico – 

It has been commonly repeated that white bread is unhealthy, non-nutritious and caloric, but according to a recent study performed by food scientists at the prestigious Merda Science Center in New Mexico, new, controversial discoveries have been made in regards to the nutritional value of white bread.

According to nutritionists and dietitians, white bread can actually make us thinner. “We noticed that bread contains some nutrients which, when eaten regularly, compound with digestive acids and speed up digestion,” says Dr. Clara Watson from the Science Center. “White bread can affect our bodies in extremely positive ways, but only if it’s eaten regularly. Scientists recommend eating it at least three times a day, every day, with no exceptions. The minimum daily dose is 600 grams. The bigger the amount, the greater the chance of weight loss.”

The Institute for Healthy Diet in Massachusetts also recently experimented with white bread and weight loss. Their study included 100 volunteers, very diverse, which included both males and females of different ages. The participants ate different amounts of white bread, every day, for three months. As a result, 90% of them lost weight. Those who ate more, lost more weight. Only volunteers who consumed less than 600 grams a day didn’t reduce weight. 80% of participants noticed their general physical condition got better, and 65% said they felt happier, lighter, and more emotionally stable than before.

“I will never eat whole grains again. White bread saved my life. I was overweight, my wife left me, and I used to spend all day watching TV. Then I joined the experiment and the Healthy Diet center, and within three months I became happy, fit, and healthy. I’m a different person now,” says Matthew Jones, one of participants. “The only real change is how often I use the bathroom. I used to be a once-a-day kind of man. Generally now, it’s 12 or 13 times a day. But, better to be shitting than feel like shit, am I right?”

Nutritionists have been trying to find the key to safe and easy weight loss for decades, and now believe that the answer was right in front of them in the form of Wonder Bread. “These findings are life-changing, and will be so for many people,” said Dr. Watson. “It’s truly a miracle of weight loss.”

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