Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

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COMPTON, California – 

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida –  Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

This past Friday, a new city ordinance in Fort Lauderdale took effect, causing the public handouts of food to homeless to become a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

No sooner had the ordinance become law than city police found it compulsory to cite three men for handing out food to the homeless, including 2 church pastors. All three men, including a 90-year-old Arnold Abbot – who has been feeding the homeless for over 20 years – could face fines of up to $500 each, and 60 days in jail.

“They don’t understand why this law was created, and why we’re just trying to do our jobs,” said Officer Joe Goldsmith of the Fort Lauderdale Police Department. “See, we have a severe homeless population here, and when you feed them, they just keep coming back. Homeless people aren’t any different from feral cats. Once you give them food, more come around, and they never leave. We’ve got to nip that problem in the bud.”

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Fort Lauderdale officials say that they created the ordinance specifically to eradicate the homeless problem ‘plaguing’ their city.

“It’s disgusting. I hate homeless people,” said one city council member. “I mean, my God – get a job for crying out loud. The fact that we have so many homeless people here, it’s just mind-boggling. This new ordinance is perfect. Once we start fining these damn do-gooder types who feed the homeless, they’ll stop helping. Once the homeless can’t get food, they’ll either move on to other towns, or they’ll just die off. Either way, problem solved.”

“These people are just down on their luck, and they need a bite to eat and a friendly face,” said Mark Stuart, a resident of Fort Lauderdale who has often brought food to homeless shelters around the city. “This ordinance spits in the face of what everyone knows is right, and that’s helping your fellow-man. No one wants these people, who just need some help, to die.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we want to happen,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, come on, they’re homeless. A lot of them even have mental illnesses or diseases, for crying out loud. We don’t need that kind of shit ‘uglying up’ our city. Let’s get rid of them, and we can become a nice, happy place once more. This law will just bring more pain to the homeless, and they’ll suffer. It’s great!”

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