Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days


COMPTON, California – 

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

AMC Announces ‘Breaking Bad’ To Return For 6th Season; You Won’t Believe This Plot Twist

LOS ANGELES, California – AMC Announces 'Breaking Bad' Will Return For 6th Season; You Won't Believe This Plot Twist

If you were are fan of the hit AMC TV show Breaking Bad, then I hope you’re sitting down for this news. Vince Gilligan, the creator of the much-loved series, has announced that on top of working on creating spin-off series Better Call Saul, he and his writers have begun working on a sixth season for Breaking Bad.

“It’s true, we did decide to come back for another round with Walt,” said series creator Gilligan. “Better Call Saul is going to be able to stand on its own, but there is more to Walt’s story. He hasn’t died just yet.”

Gilligan says that the story he wanted to tell got wrapped up ‘too quickly,’ and that he, his producers, and AMC executives mutually decided that they needed to provide the fans with at least one more season.

“I was contacted by executives from AMC, the network which had been our home for five great seasons,” said Gilligan. “They told me, in no few words, that they couldn’t survive as a company on just the strength of The Walking Dead; as good as people think that show is for some reason, as many records as it might break, it doesn’t have the viewership or the type of rabid fans that Bad has. So yes, this is about continuing the story for our fans, but it’s also about AMC really, really not wanting to let go of a franchise that has made their channel a contender in the world of cable.”

Series star Bryan Cranston, who previously played the lovable, goofy father on Malcolm In The Middle, became famous as Walter White, teacher-turned-meth dealer, who fans couldn’t get enough of for 5 straight years.

“I knew the show would be huge,” said Cranston in an interview last May. “It was written too well, the ideas and characters so involved, it was a lot of fun working on the series, and I’m glad I got to be a part of it.”

Cranston said that he was approached almost immediately last month about continuing the series, and didn’t hesitate for a second once he was told a bit about where they wanted to go with his character, and with the series as a whole.

“I loved playing Walter, and I was glad to jump at the chance to do it one more time,” said Cranston. “We have a lot of things happening in this last season – not giving too much away, obviously Walter didn’t die. Jesse is on the run, and our relationship is strained. The DEA and FBI don’t know Walter is alive, so the meth still flows for a while. I already know that Walt ends up in jail at some point, there is a trial, but you can bet that won’t be how the series ends, either. Everyone will be in for a real treat in season 6, I can promise that. I haven’t seen the final ending script, so hell, maybe season 6 won’t even be the last, who knows?”

Breaking Bad, which was the recipient of 10 Emmy awards during its run, begins shooting season 6 in December. The entire original cast is expected to return.

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

LINDEN, Texas – Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As 'Performance Booster'

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.

It’s Official: ‘Breaking Bad’ Movie To Hit The Big Screen Next Summer

HOLLYWOOD, California – its official breaking bad movie to hit big screen next summer

One of the highest rated and most popular television shows in history is set to take make a return, but not in the way you may think. It has finally been announced that the hit show Breaking Bad will be jumping to the big screen next summer.

Breaking Bad was the hit AMC TV show about a struggling high school chemistry teacher who turns to a life of crime  selling methamphetamines after a diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer.

Rumors sparked left and right after actor Bryan Cranston had made a few comments about how the show ended. Fans online have talked about it happening, and everyone was hoping that it would come to fruition, but the studio and several people involved in the show initially denied the rumors.

“We were told to keep as quiet as possible about it,” said Cranston, who although known for TV shows like Malcolm in the Middle, shot to fame after Breaking Bad became a ratings smash. “The cat is out of the bag, as it were. We started shooting the movie about 2 weeks ago in Albuquerque.”

With news of the film breaking, movie theaters around the country have already begun to pre-sell tickets, the first time in history that a pre-sale has begun before the film has actually been completed. Normally, a theatre will pre-sell a week or two before an anticipated big movie is released. For Breaking Bad, they know they had to start now, almost a year in advance.

“We are talking about one of the biggest shows in the history of TV.” Said Regal Cinemas chairman Mark Landry. “As soon as it became confirmed that the movie had been green-lit, we gave the okay to our theatre managers to begin selling tickets.”

Filming is underway, but unfortunately it is a closed-set, and no other information – including the plot of the movie, timeline, or which characters will appear.

TMZ reporters questioned actor Aaron Paul, who played Jesse on the hit show, as he was leaving a Hollywood restaurant, and when asked about a Breaking Bad movie he seemed confused.

“The is the first I’ve heard of it,” said Paul. “Apparently I’ve got some phone calls to make.”

Production on the the Breaking Bad movie is scheduled to run through the end of October, with the film slated for a Memorial Day 2015 release.




Colorado Becomes First State To Legalize Crystal Meth

DENVER, Colorado – empire-news-colorado-becomes-first-state-to-legalize-crystal-meth

Colorado has been in the news all year for being the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use, and it looks as though the state is at it again, but this time with a different, and slightly more controversial, drug. The Colorado state legislature has decided to legalize the street drug crystal meth.

Crystal meth is a highly addictive drug that send millions to rehab or to their deaths each year. Meth has been around for years, but became extremely popular after the Showtime TV series Breaking Bad hit the air. While producers only cared about the show brining in huge ratings, everyone ignored the fact that it was also brining in thousands and thousands of new users to the drug. Local venders have been selling the drug for medical purposes in Colorado for a few days, and claim that it has plenty of medical benefits  when used the right way.

“If you are a lazy natured person, meth can give you that boost coffee can’t and you can get a lot done.” Said a local meth vender who wished to remain anonymous.

With the drug becoming legal in Colorado, some would ask how this may effect the sales of marijuana. Pot venders appear to be upset, while their customers couldn’t be happier about the move that the state made.

“Finally! I mean it was cool to smoke weed in the middle of the streets for about a week, but everyone knows weed is just a gateway, and I really needed them to legalize a better drug that will get me really high.” Said Boulder resident Mike Sherman.

It is unclear if this bill will stay in place for long, as opposing parties are already trying to tear it down. Politicians behind it are claiming it is simply a supply-and-demand issue.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States.” Said Colorado representative John Spector (D). “Marijuana, meth – what’s the difference? The revenue the state is bringing in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

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