High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

Posted on March 21, 2015 by JP

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin–

Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.

Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.

“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.

The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.

“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”

NHL: Anaheim Ducks Court Emilio Estevez As New Head Coach

Posted on October 24, 2014 by skullman

ANAHEIM, California –

In an announcement this morning from the Anaheim Ducks’ general manager Bob Murray, the team has decided to part ways with current head coach Bruce Boudreau, and is seeking to replace him with a curious choice – actor Emilio Estevez.

The Anaheim Ducks started as a franchise in 1993, then known as the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, after being founded by the Walt Disney corporation. Disney, who later sold the team, based their club around their 1993 children’s hockey film The Mighty Ducks. In the film, Estevez plays a drunken lawyer who is (curiously) forced to perform community service as a pee-wee hockey coach after being arrested for DUI. Like most Disney sports movies, the rag-tag group of kids all eventually come together to win The Big Game in the end. Estevez, of course, learns the value of sportsmanship, and the credits roll.

Apparently Estevez acting as a hockey coach makes him the perfect candidate to coach the real Ducks now.

“Over 20 years ago, Emilio Estevez showed the world that he could be an amazing hockey coach when he played Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks series. He turned a bunch of misfit kids into a team, and that team went on to beat their rivals and win the championship. Then he did it again the following year when the movie version of the Ducks took on teams from all over the world,” Said Anaheim owner Henry Samueli. ”We want Mr. Estevez to come on board as the coach of our real Ducks now, and take them all the way to a Stanley Cup championship.”

Estevez, who is a lifelong hockey fan, has no real experience coaching a team, professional or otherwise. In response to the offer, Estevez did say he would ‘consider the job.’

“I have never coached in my life,” Said Estevez in a statement released to the Associated Press. “I played a coach a few times. I’ve played a lot of things, from cops to criminals, to coaches, to a buns-taping jock in the Breakfast Club. As far as I recall, this is the first time anyone has ever offered me a job based on a role I once played. I would be a fool not to consider it.”

As part of the change, the Ducks are also going to be altering their name, reverting back to The Mighty Ducks, which they are now saying should never have been changed in the first place.

“We miss the name, we miss the ‘mighty.’ We definitely miss winning games. It’s been a few years now, so we’d like to have that happen again,” Said Ryan Getziaf, current team captain. “If Emilo Estevez wants to give up his long-forgotten Hollywood career to come and coach us, then that’s fantastic. I’ve always wanted to learn the triple-deke.”

Fans of the Anaheim Ducks had no comment, because no member of the press could find anyone admitting to caring about the team.

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LINDEN, Texas –

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.