Why You Need to STOP Cooking With Wooden Utensils IMMEDIATELY – This Can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

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woodenLOS ANGELES, California – 

A mother in Los Angeles and her two children, aged 7 and 4, are in critical condition after ingesting what doctors are saying was an “extreme amount” of mites, linked to wooden cooking utensils in the family’s kitchen.

Miranda Joseph and her children were admitted to St. Christine Hospital in Los Angeles after the three of them became severely ill after eating a dinner of macaroni with sauce on Monday evening. Originally thought to be a case of food poisoning, the diagnosis was ruled out after Joseph began vomiting tiny, black bugs.

“When we called authorities to enter Ms. Joseph’s home and obtain any remaining food from their dinner, they brought back the entire pot and utensils that were used for cooking, which happened to be wooden spoons,” said Dr. Carl Richards, an attending ER doctor. “As soon as I saw the wooden utensils, I knew what had happened.”

According to Richards, there has been an extreme amount of cases throughout California and Nevada of a new “superbug” that infests homes, and will lodge itself into anything wooden.

“These bugs, they’re like a much smaller termite, almost impossible to see until they are swarming in the millions,” said Dr. Richards. “They’ve become increasingly common in many West Coast homes, and will bore into anything wooden – your house itself, bureaus, TV stands, and yes, even wooden utensils. Unfortunately, they are also quite poisonous to the human body.”

Dr. Richards suggests that anyone who currently uses wooden utensils to throw them out immediately, and replace with stainless steel or plastic.

“You don’t want to end up dead because you like the look of wood spoons,” said Dr. Richards.

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

zen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

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“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – USDA Warning- Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”

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