Woman Dies After Overdosing On Gluten

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AURORA, Colorado – Woman Dies After Overdosing On Gluten

Beth Riens, 32, of Aurora, Colorado, died Sunday morning from what doctors are saying is the first case of a gluten overdose.

According to family and friends, Riens lived a very healthy life. She frequently ran, did yoga, and stayed to a specific diet. Friends of Reins tell Empire News that she recently began to eat gluten products again after almost a year of staying away from them.

“She was a very healthy person and I can’t believe she is gone. Beth had been gluten-free for about a year now, until we continued to rib her, because she didn’t have a gluten allergy or sensitivity,” said Riens’ best friend, Jennifer Robbins. “She just got hooked on stupid fad diets, and for some reason thought that ‘going gluten free’ would make her healthier. Turns out, in her case, it was better for her.”

“I’ve been eating gluten products all of my life and I feel completely normal, like most people,” said Reins’ sister-in-law, Carla Reins. “I wish I hadn’t been part of the group to tease her into eat foods with gluten again. I feel somewhat responsible for this, to be perfectly honest. Of course, I may have gotten her back on the stuff, but I didn’t hand her the loaf of whole grain bread that ended it for her, either.”

After examining the body, doctors confirmed that Reins was taking in way too much gluten. Since her body wasn’t used to the amount of intake, it slowly began to shut down, forcing her into cardiac arrest and shortly after, death. According to friends, Reins was eating entire boxes of pasta, cereals, and multiple loaves of bread in a day.

“Beth never did anything half-assed,” said Robbins. “She cut out gluten cold-turkey one day last year, and then last week just decided to get off that stupid wagon, and join us smart people again. Of course, she did it by buying out entire shelves of J.J. Nissen pastries and Wonderbread, but like I said – she never went in half-assed.”

 

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – USDA Warning- Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

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“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”

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