New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food


SANTA FE, New Mexico – 

It has been commonly repeated that white bread is unhealthy, non-nutritious and caloric, but according to a recent study performed by food scientists at the prestigious Merda Science Center in New Mexico, new, controversial discoveries have been made in regards to the nutritional value of white bread.

According to nutritionists and dietitians, white bread can actually make us thinner. “We noticed that bread contains some nutrients which, when eaten regularly, compound with digestive acids and speed up digestion,” says Dr. Clara Watson from the Science Center. “White bread can affect our bodies in extremely positive ways, but only if it’s eaten regularly. Scientists recommend eating it at least three times a day, every day, with no exceptions. The minimum daily dose is 600 grams. The bigger the amount, the greater the chance of weight loss.”

The Institute for Healthy Diet in Massachusetts also recently experimented with white bread and weight loss. Their study included 100 volunteers, very diverse, which included both males and females of different ages. The participants ate different amounts of white bread, every day, for three months. As a result, 90% of them lost weight. Those who ate more, lost more weight. Only volunteers who consumed less than 600 grams a day didn’t reduce weight. 80% of participants noticed their general physical condition got better, and 65% said they felt happier, lighter, and more emotionally stable than before.

“I will never eat whole grains again. White bread saved my life. I was overweight, my wife left me, and I used to spend all day watching TV. Then I joined the experiment and the Healthy Diet center, and within three months I became happy, fit, and healthy. I’m a different person now,” says Matthew Jones, one of participants. “The only real change is how often I use the bathroom. I used to be a once-a-day kind of man. Generally now, it’s 12 or 13 times a day. But, better to be shitting than feel like shit, am I right?”

Nutritionists have been trying to find the key to safe and easy weight loss for decades, and now believe that the answer was right in front of them in the form of Wonder Bread. “These findings are life-changing, and will be so for many people,” said Dr. Watson. “It’s truly a miracle of weight loss.”

USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

WASHINGTON, D.C. – USDA Approves Commercial Distribution Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.





Nutritional Study Reveals That Drinking Apple Juice Increases Penis Size

BOSTON, Massachusetts – Nutritional Study Reveals That Drinking Apple Juice Increases Penis Size

In an extensive two-year scientific nutritional study conducted at Boston University, a group of experts in nutritionally based health improvement breakthroughs, known internationally for their past nutritional scientific discoveries and award-winning accomplishments, claim that their research has proved conclusively that drinking a half-gallon or more of apple juice a day, will, surprisingly increase penile size over time.

Health experts and dietitians say that the precise, detail-oriented, and incredibly well orchestrated study, which had over 30 medical professionals working diligently to monitor the process of natural male enhancement and measuring the results meticulously in a very ‘hands-on’ manner, may very well be the most significant nutritionally based study conducted in the past twenty years worldwide, and for obvious reasons.

Nutritional Science and Engineering professor, Dr. Ismael Untobo, along with his team, constructed the detailed article titled ‘Apple Juice and The Secret of The Male Sexual Organ’ in the October issue of the prestigious North American Nutritional  Journal Monthly. Their research revealed that consuming large amounts of 100% real, natural apple juice several times daily is the only proven way  known to date, excluding surgery, that is likely to significantly increase penis size.

According to Dr. Untobo’s extensive report, 50 male subjects were monitored on a daily basis during the entire two-year study, and each participant consumed at least a half-gallon of natural apple juice. Once a month, members of the research team gently massaged the men’s private areas with oil until fully erect. This was done to gain the most efficient and scientifically dependable measurements of both length and girth. The results have proven to be quite explosive for the average sized male desperately wanting to offer their sex partners a little something extra.

“No specific nutrient in the apple generates the increases, it is the coexistence and the chemistry of how the nutrients are uniquely constructed within one another’s supplemental DNA, if you will,” Untobo explained. “We tried all different types of juices over the full 10-year study, but it was only within the last 2 years that we discovered that apple juice was the key. Even I’ve taken to drinking several glasses a day. My wife is very happy.”

Within the first six months, Dr. Untobo says his research team at Boston University began to see astounding results in not only penile length, but also in girth as well.

“Six months into the study the average erect penile length of our group increased from 5.75 inches to 6.25 inches, while erect penile circumference increased from 3.8 inches to 5.3 inches. Production of semen increased slightly as well, but intensity of orgasm went off the charts during monthly evaluations,” said Untobo. “It became overwhelmingly obvious that semen production increased very rapidly along with leg-shaking, intense, full-body orgasms. Obviously our test subjects were very pleased with their personal growth and newly discovered, unprecedented orgasms. I guess one could say, the juice gives you more juice, and more juice keeps a smile on your face,” said Dr. Untobo.

Dr. Untobo added that the makers of 100% real apple juice should significantly improve in worldwide sales over the course of the next couple years. “As the results and proof of these studies spread, I would be surprised if the supplement companies do not cash in by converting apples into a pill form. It can be done, and to the best of my educated knowledge, such a supplement is not currently sold over the counter, but they will be,” Dr. Untobo concluded.

According to Untobo, now that he has finished his study with the hopes that his research will help many men gain the confidence they were looking for when it comes to the size of their members, he has begun leading a team of female colleagues and participants in a study to determine whether or not the size really matters, anyway.

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap.  It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!  I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product.  Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case.  He recognized them from the commercial.  He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout.  Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped!  I was embarrassed.  I went through the express line just as fast as I could.  I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama.  In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets.  My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation.  Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents.  “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet.  The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange!  The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth!  And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™  “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up!  We’re positive kids will love them!”

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