USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

WASHINGTON, D.C. – USDA Approves Commercial Distribution Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.





FDA Recalls Imported Honey Made From High Fructose Corn Syrup and Epoxy

WASHINGTON, D.C. – FDA Recalls Imported Honey Made From High Fructose Corn Syrup and Epoxy

The Food and Drug Administration issued an immediate recall for a large shipment of honey imported from Mainland China that claims to contain ‘100% pure, delicious and natural honey,’ but is actually a mixture of high fructose corn syrup, petroleum-based solvents, resin, and artificial coloring and flavorings.

Marketed under the brand Tasty Swarm Honey, the product is said to cause immediate stomach distress and discomfort, with several people who’ve sampled the product saying they instantly felt sick. At least one person was hospitalized with food poisoning after consuming the honey.

Adding sweeteners to honey is an FDA-approved manufacturing process. Any honey product that is not labeled ‘100% Pure’ is allowed to contain additives, sweeteners, and extenders.  Due to questions concerning possible adverse health effects, high fructose corn syrup, or HFCS, has come under increased scrutiny and examination over the years.  Derived from converted cornstarch and cheaper to produce than refined sugar, it has dominated the worldwide sweetener market in recent years.

“With this particular product, it’s not a question of the quantity or quality of the artificial ingredients that were added,” said FDA Quality Control Officer Barbara Temple, “because the entire composition is artificial.  There’s absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Consuming this product could result in severe illness. In fact, there’s no way anyone could have possibly eaten this without having gotten violently ill. You’d be better off literally eating granulated sugar straight out of the bag by the spoon full.”

A routine FDA inquiry examining purity and quality standards of imported food items prompted an investigation and detailed analysis into the manufacturer’s products and practices.

“Recently,” said Temple, “we were informed that the Tasty Swarm company also manufactures epoxy, bathroom grout, industrial lubricants, glue, nail polish remover, and fabric softener, so our inspections were significantly stepped up after that discovery.  We actually used their honey to repair a broken ceramic tile in our company bathroom, and it’s holding on strong. I wouldn’t advise eating it, or adding it to your morning tea.”

“Curiously, the company also manufactures cheese and canned soup,” continued Temple. “When we tested those products for contaminants, they were found to be top-notch – and completely delicious. It’s just this honey that they’re really getting wrong. It’s a sticky mess for Tasty Swarm, that’s for sure.”

“I ate most of the jar before I really started feeling sick,” said Joe Goldsmith, who was hospitalized with symptoms of food poisoning after eating Tasty Swarm. “I like to take honey and just pour it into a glass and sort of slurp it down with a straw. I got the honey at a local closeout discount store, but it was still in date, so I figured it would be okay. Actually, now that I think about it, the date said it didn’t expire until sometime in 2035.”

Retail store chains recalling the product from shelves include Albertson’s, Big M, Food City, and Publix. Tasty Swarm could not be reached for further comment, but a statement from a company representative said they would be “really surprised” if there were any problems with the honey, and that even Winnie The Pooh himself would be ecstatic to get stuck in a jar of their product.

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