Hot Dogs Being Reevaluated by FDA As Possible Unsafe Food Item

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Multiple studies have determined that consumption of hot dogs can be a risk factor for childhood cancer, and now Dr. Roger Peters, head of food safety and science at UCLA is working with the FDA to determine whether or not hot dogs are safe for any consumption.

Peters studied the relationship between the intake of certain foods and the risk of leukemia in children from birth to age 10 in Los Angeles County between 1980 and 1987. The study found that children who ate more than twelve hot dogs per month had nine times the normal risk of developing childhood leukemia.

When he continued the study into adulthood, he found that nearly every single person that he tested had eaten a hot dog at least once in their life, and also had cancer.

“I believe that hot dogs are dangerous. They’re disgusting to taste, horrible to cook, and if you saw how they were made, you’d know never to eat them,” said Peters. “The fact that they cause cancer makes them even worse.”

Peters’ study will be published later this year in the Diary of Modern Medicine. 

Red Pistachios Making Comeback After Disappearing From Market Decades Ago

redpistachios

AUSTIN, Texas – 

Red pistachio nuts were extremely common back in the day, when most pistachios were grown in Iran, and dyed to avoid showing defects and dirt in the nuts to consumers. When pistachios began being grown in the United States, and import levels dropped, new standards made it irrelevant to dye the nuts, as they were easily cleaned as less damaged shipping domestically.

All that is changing, though, as a slew of people began clamoring for red pistachios once more. A petition on change.org was signed by over 2 million people, all of whom were desperately looking for that pistachio nostalgia factor.

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“Red pistachios were the best pistachios. They left your hands filthy, red dye and shit all over your hands and clothes,” said Roy Lamar, who claims to ‘absolutely love nuts.’ “Man, there was nothing like them. I signed the petition as soon as I saw it. You can take your regular-colored pistachios and stick up your ass.”

America’s pistachio growers say that they don’t at all care what people do to the nuts after they’re harvested, but they refuse to dye them themselves.

“No way are we going to start dying them again,” said Mike Handle, who has been growing pistachios on his farm for nearly 20 years. “That dye was hazardous, nasty, and it completely changed the flavor of the nut. No thanks.”

A small company in Texas, NutBusters, has said that they will purchase large quantities of the nut, and begin dyeing them red once more. They say they expect to have the red pistachios for sale on their website, nutbusters.com, by the beginning of summer.

Trix Bunny To Be Replaced With New Rabbit That Survived Animal Testing

trix

DETROIT, Michigan –

Few people know that the cartoon Trix rabbit, designed by Joe Harris, was actually based of an actual lab rabbit. After eating Trix cereal, the rabbit went crazy for more as if the cereal was crack. Even though he was hopelessly addicted to cereal, he did not suffer any health consequences.

“We’ve had the Trix bunny as the spokesanimal for so long, that people have forgotten the story,” said Galdwell. “But now it’s time to teach the world that there’s a new bunny in town, and he’s survived, too.”

The Trix rabbit will temporarily be replaced by Cinnabun, the lucky rabbit who survived when he was fed a new version of Trix cereal. To meet changing consumer demand, cereal giant General Mills has had to change their recipes, favoring all-natural ingredients.

Malcolm Galdwell, who worked on the new recipe says, “General Mills cares about children, so they test out all their new cereals on lab animals. The cereals must pass a rat test first. Then if the recipe makes it through that round, then it goes to the rabbit round. After that, it is considered safe for children. Changing the recipe to more natural products, while making it just as addictive, was quite difficult. Cinnabun nearly died, but was able to pull through at the last minute.”

 

Food Study Shows Papa John’s Pizza Crust, Boxes Have Identical Ingredients

Food Study Shows Papa John's Pizza Crust, Boxes Have Identical Ingredients

 

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Papa John’s is known for its fast, cheap, and convenient pizza, and it’s obnoxious commercials that always prominently feature owner and founder John Schnatter. The company has been all over the media in recent years, facing controversy over poor wages and their stance on healthcare for employees.

Although the media scrutiny has worn off in the last several months, it looks as though it’s set to rise again. After a recent food study, performed by world-renowned doctors and scientists, it was discovered that Papa John’s pizza and take-out boxes are made from the same ingredients.

During a test on their sauces, cheese, and dough, scientists found that the company has been cutting corners by using recycled pizza boxes as a base for their product. The scientists were initially hired by Papa John’s, working with the company to help create a new pizza dough recipe.

Dr. Tom Matosaus claims that when bringing up the problem to CEO John Schnatter, he denied all claims. “He’s in some serious denial, I tell you. He went on and on about how their company had the best pizza crust in the entire nation, and if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be worth over half a billion dollars. He talked a lot about money, actually. Way more than he talked about pizza.”

“To be honest, it’s not going to hurt you to eat their pizza,” said scientist Dr. Moe Zarella. “Just because the founder is a little on the annoying side, and just because their pizza is made out of the same things as their carryout boxes, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good slice once in awhile!”

Neither Schnatter nor any company representatives have yet to comment on the controversy, but they are urging customers to try their new pizza deal.

“Only 11.99 for a large specialty pizza, delivered right to your door!” said Schnatter. “Ignore the naysayers. You love our pizza. Just listen to your Papa. Mmmm, it’s delicious!”

 

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap.  It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!  I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product.  Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case.  He recognized them from the commercial.  He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout.  Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped!  I was embarrassed.  I went through the express line just as fast as I could.  I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama.  In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets.  My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation.  Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents.  “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet.  The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange!  The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth!  And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™  “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up!  We’re positive kids will love them!”

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