Red Pistachios Making Comeback After Disappearing From Market Decades Ago

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AUSTIN, Texas – 

Red pistachio nuts were extremely common back in the day, when most pistachios were grown in Iran, and dyed to avoid showing defects and dirt in the nuts to consumers. When pistachios began being grown in the United States, and import levels dropped, new standards made it irrelevant to dye the nuts, as they were easily cleaned as less damaged shipping domestically.

All that is changing, though, as a slew of people began clamoring for red pistachios once more. A petition on change.org was signed by over 2 million people, all of whom were desperately looking for that pistachio nostalgia factor.

“Red pistachios were the best pistachios. They left your hands filthy, red dye and shit all over your hands and clothes,” said Roy Lamar, who claims to ‘absolutely love nuts.’ “Man, there was nothing like them. I signed the petition as soon as I saw it. You can take your regular-colored pistachios and stick up your ass.”

America’s pistachio growers say that they don’t at all care what people do to the nuts after they’re harvested, but they refuse to dye them themselves.

“No way are we going to start dying them again,” said Mike Handle, who has been growing pistachios on his farm for nearly 20 years. “That dye was hazardous, nasty, and it completely changed the flavor of the nut. No thanks.”

A small company in Texas, NutBusters, has said that they will purchase large quantities of the nut, and begin dyeing them red once more. They say they expect to have the red pistachios for sale on their website, nutbusters.com, by the beginning of summer.

US Government To Allow Three-Toed Sloth As Pets

sloth

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The internet’s second most loved animal after the cat, the sloth is an animal loved by many, although actually seen – in real life, anyway – by very few people. That will all change starting January 1st, as the US government plans to lift its ban on certain exotic animals, including the furry three-toed sloth.

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“The world loves sloths almost as much as they love cute, furry kittens,” said USDA wildlife spokesman Gerard Bole. “After an online petition to allow sloths as pets was signed over 350,000 times on the change.org website, the USDA decided to work with the other branches of the government to establish laws that would allow three-toed sloths to be imported as pets for private citizens.”

In the past, only zoos and animal treatment and research facilities were allowed to import sloths, which reside mostly in central and south America. The new laws will allow anyone to import the sloth to keep as a pet in their own home.

Toys ‘R’ Us To Pull All Toys From Shelves, Doesn’t Want To Risk Offending Anyone

WAYNE, New Jersey – Toys 'R' US To Pull All Toys From Shelves, Doesn't Want To Risk Offending Anyone

Last week, a Florida mother petitioned big box retailer Toys ‘R’ Us to remove a line of action figures based around popular TV show Breaking Bad. The Fort Myers, Florida mother, Susan Schrivjer, started a petition on the website change.org, encouraging people to sign, hoping to get the retailer to remove the toys that she deemed were inappropriate for children.

This morning, Toys ‘R’ Us announced that, unbelievably, Schrivjer has won her battle, and the company will be removing the toys from their shelves immediately. “Let’s just say, the action figures have taken an indefinite sabbatical,” Toys R Us said in a written statement to the press. The retailer had maintained that the figures were sold in limited quantities in the adult-action-figure area of its stores, an area that every TRU store has.

Unfortunately, it looks as the retail giant will not stop with just the Breaking Bad figures, called out for their realism and adult-oriented accessories, including guns and bags of meth. Toys ‘R’ Us has officially announced that they will be pulling every toy from the shelves, lest anyone get offended.

“We know that to most people, toys, action figures, video games, and the like, are extremely mundane, and meant for fun – nothing to get offended over,” said Geoffrey Giraffe, the president of Toys ‘R’ Us. “There is that small sub-sect of people out there, though, that seek out things to be offended by, and then they start their complaints and their petitions, and it’s a media headache, and we just don’t want to deal with it, frankly.”

The company said that normally they’d be rushing to get the latest hot toys and games onto the shelves in preparation for a giant fourth-quarter and holiday season, but instead they are beginning to empty their shelves.

“Sadly, one bad egg has spoiled it for everyone. We deal with millions of customers a year, we want to make sure we listen to every single one of them. If even one is not happy, then we’re not doing our jobs. If they have a complaint, we put our tail between our legs and give in; that’s loyalty and customer dedication. Personally, I only wish we had the resolve of a company like Ben & Jerry’s,” said Giraffe, referencing that company’s announcement last week that they would not give into unnecessary and stupid customer complaint, and would continue use of the name of their ice cream ‘Hazed and Confused.’

“I think the mother who started the petition sounds like a meddling, obnoxious, do-gooder, pain in the ass,” said Robert Thomas, a customer of Toys ‘R’ Us. “I can’t believe that they’re pulling the figures. Seriously, they have Nightmare on Elm Street figures with Freddy Kruger who has knives for fingers. They have Barbies with unattainably-sized tiny hips and fat asses. They have creepy dolls that you feed and then they actually shit their diapers. Yet action figures, that no child should even be familiar with unless their parents let them watch the show in the first place, are offensive? Get a damn life, woman.”

“It’s a sad day for the world of toys and consumer choice, it really is,” said Giraffe. The company plans to remain open, despite not having any product to sell. “We may keep the candy, on the shelves, I suppose. I just hope we don’t offend any diabetics or anything.”

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